My loss, my gain

[Woolspinner2000]

Today is one of those days when I need to pop online to my family here and post that my father passed away just last week on August 24th.  :'( It is my great loss and that of my family as well. It was unexpected as he was doing so well with his chemo treatment for non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, even declared cancer free on August 10th. Now both my nonBPDf and uBPDm are gone.

I must say that the pot of relationships was certainly stirred during the week of his death and the visitations and funeral. While my dad's siblings were not a part of the dysfunction within my own FOO, my uBPDm spread her influence to them nonetheless. Throughout these recent days, my siblings and I interacted with the family that my uBPDm ostracized us from and forbade us to see. My brother, sister and I often stopped to mention that we still had voices in our heads saying, "What are you doing? You are betraying me!" yet at the same time we suddenly found that we actually have really cool relatives! They were enjoyable to interact with and fun for us to get to know. While we enjoyed them, we had to compare notes with each other to be sure it was actually okay and that we wouldn't get in trouble for it. The doubt and uncertainty are still quite present with us.

There were those bittersweet moments when we recognized that we had missed so much, and our extended family had missed it too. My cousin said he knew he had a cousin his own age but she wasn't allowed to ever play with him. How sad for us all.

The end of July when I went to visit with my dad for 2 days, he looked at me and said something that I've longed to hear all my life:  "Your mother was sick. Just sick." I turned to him and thanked him, telling him how much I needed to hear him say that. I'm so glad he did, especially now that he is gone. It was so validating to me. How thankful I am that I have been on this journey to healing from my uBPDm and also been able to face the dysfunction of my dad so that I could receive the gift of better relationship towards the end of his life.

So the loss of my dad is truly a loss (he was my champion in these later years of his life), and the gain is that we are beginning to be accepted and dearly loved by this family we hardly knew.

Thanks for listening. I am quite tired and brain foggy these days.

Wools

[Kwamina]

Hi Wools

Your dad was your champion and I am very sorry that he has passed away. Especially tough to have this happen so soon after he had been declared cancer free. I offer you my sincere condolences.

The end of July when I went to visit with my dad for 2 days, he looked at me and said something that I've longed to hear all my life:  "Your mother was sick. Just sick." I turned to him and thanked him, telling him how much I needed to hear him say that. I'm so glad he did, especially now that he is gone. It was so validating to me. How thankful I am that I have been on this journey to healing from my uBPDm and also been able to face the dysfunction of my dad so that I could receive the gift of better relationship towards the end of his life.

I am very glad that you got to spend this time with your dad. To hear him say this about your mother is very validating of your experiences.

Great to hear that you are now rediscovering this part of your family that your mother held away from you.

Take care as your mourn this loss  

[HappyChappy]

My deepest condolences at your loss at what must be a very difficult time. It’s admiral that you can see a gain with other relatives. Admirable that your farther acknowledged your mom was sick and gave you validation. 

[Harri]

Hello Wools.  I was so sad to read your post this morning.  Good for you for reaching out and posting during this difficult time. 

My brother, sister and I often stopped to mention that we still had voices in our heads saying, "What are you doing? You are betraying me!" yet at the same time we suddenly found that we actually have really cool relatives! They were enjoyable to interact with and fun for us to get to know. While we enjoyed them, we had to compare notes with each other to be sure it was actually okay and that we wouldn't get in trouble for it. The doubt and uncertainty are still quite present with us.

Congrats on breaking through the decades of brainwashing Wools.  I remember times of feeling like I was betraying my mother both when she was alive and for sure after she died.  I am quite impressed that you were able to recognize what was going on *and* were able to respond in a different way especially at a time where emotions are at an all time high.

The end of July when I went to visit with my dad for 2 days, he looked at me and said something that I've longed to hear all my life:  "Your mother was sick. Just sick."

What a wonderful gift his words were.  And what a wonderful gift it was to be able to get to know him outside of the context of your mother. 

Rest and write when you can.  Sometimes fog can be beautiful though I hope it clears soon.   

[Woolspinner2000]

To Happy and Kwamina and Harri,

Thank you for your kind words. Your encouragement as well, so much appreciated and the   too. To note as you mention that I was able to see through the brainwashing is cheering!  It's remarkable to me that this time around with the experience of losing my other parent, well, it's quite different than when my uBPDm passed 3 years ago. Actually it is remarkably different. Of course there's the fact that they were different people, but there's much more than that.

When my mom died, I had not been in T too long and had only begun to talk about her and my childhood. When my dad died, I'd marked 3 more years in T. But T alone didn't do the job. It is the work I've done in T and out of T that has made all the difference. I couldn't 'feel' when my mom died. I held all those emotions in, not having the foggiest clue how to grieve because I didn't know what feelings were. I was not able to recognize them and allow myself the freedom to experience them because we all know how well that worked as a child of a pwBPD.  With my dad however, the tears come and go, and surprisingly I am fine with it. I don't mind crying when talking with a friend, and I accept the fatigue and sadness that has come. Really I've come so far when I step back and look at the whole picture. Even my sister said that it is so different for her as well. The best comparison I could come up with is to say that when mom died it was as if she ripped and pulled our souls out with her to take to the grave because she was so emotionally enmeshed with us. None of us kids knew how to function without her. With our dad, he was at peace with himself and his parting gift to each of us kids was to remind us of and to extend his great love to us. How much changed he was.

One of the other huge differences for me is that I'm able to receive the kindness and support and love of my closest support group, those friends and co-workers that I've learned to open myself up to and begin to trust, only the safe ones mind you. To open myself to such vulnerability is more than I can put into words. When you've trained yourself to not trust anyone because no one is safe, it truly is a risk of major proportions to allow oneself to be loved for who you are, not for what I do anymore. This is the new amazing stuff of life for me. 

Lastly I look at the legacy my dad left. Dare I say that it is so much more than I could've imagined, after hearing all the degrading words which poured forth out of my mom's mouth all her life about him? Can I consider what I see with my eyes and hear with my ears to be true? While he was not perfect and made some major mistakes while raising us kids, was not much of his life redeemed as he chose to live differently once separated and divorced from her?  I'm not trying to gloss over the wrongs. They were wrong and were his choices. The end of his life he chose to be different. There are those times when I ask myself if I've worn the shield of defense long enough so that now I may lay it down and see him for who he was, honestly and fully, the entire man, and embrace that and be at peace.

Wools

[Kwamina]

Hi Wools

It sounds like you've done a lot of growing and healing these last 3 years. You've been able to access and identify your feelings which is a huge step forward

Even my sister said that it is so different for her as well. The best comparison I could come up with is to say that when mom died it was as if she ripped and pulled our souls out with her to take to the grave because she was so emotionally enmeshed with us. None of us kids knew how to function without her. With our dad, he was at peace with himself and his parting gift to each of us kids was to remind us of and to extend his great love to us. How much changed he was.

All of you have been through a lot. Your post makes clear though that both you and your sister and your dad did your best to move forward in a different way and try to heal yourselves.

To open myself to such vulnerability is more than I can put into words. When you've trained yourself to not trust anyone because no one is safe, it truly is a risk of major proportions to allow oneself to be loved for who you are, not for what I do anymore. This is the new amazing stuff of life for me. 

Learning to trust again or perhaps for the first time and allowing yourself to be vulnerable (with boundaries in place), is massive progress indeed. I am very happy for you!

Lastly I look at the legacy my dad left. Dare I say that it is so much more than I could've imagined, after hearing all the degrading words which poured forth out of my mom's mouth all her life about him? Can I consider what I see with my eyes and hear with my ears to be true? While he was not perfect and made some major mistakes while raising us kids, was not much of his life redeemed as he chose to live differently once separated and divorced from her?  I'm not trying to gloss over the wrongs. They were wrong and were his choices. The end of his life he chose to be different. There are those times when I ask myself if I've worn the shield of defense long enough so that now I may lay it down and see him for who he was, honestly and fully, the entire man, and embrace that and be at peace.

That shield of defense you've worn for so long can be a huge burden too. It's protective properties might not outweigh the isolation that wearing a shield can bring. After all this time you deserve to walk around more freely so perhaps this indeed is the time to lay that burden down. Your dad's words about your mother were a huge validation and I can imagine in many ways also a liberation for you. Your dad wasn't perfect, wasn't all-good but also not all-bad, he was just your dad and he strove to be the best dad he could be with the knowledge and capabilities he had. Both your parents are gone now and all you are left with are the memories of days gone by. I hope you indeed will embrace the beautiful memory of your dad as someone who kept growing and healing and who chose to walk a different path in the latter part of his life. Take care Wools

[Woolspinner2000]

Ah Kwamina,

Your words are so kind, so true. They touch the  .

Your dad wasn't perfect, wasn't all-good but also not all-bad, he was just your dad and he strove to be the best dad he could be with the knowledge and capabilities he had. Both your parents are gone now and all you are left with are the memories of days gone by. I hope you indeed will embrace the beautiful memory of your dad as someone who kept growing and healing and who chose to walk a different path in the latter part of his life.

It's a good spot to lay down the shield, don't you think?

Thank you. 

Wools