Crazy Day: found out new info about my ex and then ran into her brother and mom

[SGraham]

So this may sound a bit soap operaish but that's because i live in a really small town where word gets around quickly. Anyways, i was giving a female friend a ride to her soccer practise (she's on the same team as my ex) and she asks "so S, is A gay?" And i said "well she's bi so... " Then my friend says "well i thought so but she tells the girls on the soccer team that she's a lesbian". I know i shouldn't take that personally but it kinda hard not to. I kinda feel like she is saying that to try and negate the fact we were together. Either that or i was such a lousy male it made her change her mind *joking*. So i don't really know how to feel about that.

But! The story doesn't end there. I go to this farmers market type event and see her little brother who im friendly with so i talk to him a bit. I gave him like eight bucks to get some food. He tells me that he is pretty sure his mom doesnt know my ex and i are split. I think What the heck how is that possible? A few minutes later his mom walks by so i figured i would test his statement i say " Hi T how are you?" She is very friendly and asks me how ive been and what not she then says "yeah i havent seen you in a while, i was thinking about you the other day". I am absolutely stunned, i wasn't really sure if it would be appropriate to say "oh yeah A and i aren't together anymore" so i didn't say anything. 

Haha then latter her brother calls me and is like "S im sorry i took your money" turns out his mom made him call me but i explained to her that it was fine and i gave him the money. I guess its nice to know her family respects me so much, its almost comical how involved i am with her family without talking to her herself.

[SGraham]

Sorry, i didnt explain, A is my ex.

[enlighten me]

I wouldn't take her saying she is a lesbian personally. My exwife hated football. Her new boyfriend is football mad and all of a sudden she loved it. She knew all the players and could even go on about different matches. Now she hates it again. Its an attachment thing. An unstable self can lead to them trying on a wide range of roles. I think my exgf saw a woman after we broke up as she kept on going on about her and was going to introduce the kids to her. She has a boyfriend now so if she did it was only a passing phase. Maybe she thought she would give it a go as men didn't seem to work out for her. Maybe it was just a friend who she become attached to.

[LostGhost]

I wouldn't take her saying she is a lesbian personally. My exwife hated football. Her new boyfriend is football mad and all of a sudden she loved it. She knew all the players and could even go on about different matches. Now she hates it again. Its an attachment thing. An unstable self can lead to them trying on a wide range of roles. I think my exgf saw a woman after we broke up as she kept on going on about her and was going to introduce the kids to her. She has a boyfriend now so if she did it was only a passing phase. Maybe she thought she would give it a go as men didn't seem to work out for her. Maybe it was just a friend who she become attached to.

I can second all of this about my own ex. Her ex before me was a huge football fan. And she started to love it too, jerseys and all. Then when she dated me, she had zero interest in football. Didn't hate it or anything, but we didn't watch a single game together. This is part of their mirroring or chameleon I guess, to help give them a sense of identity.

And mine also stated many times she was lesbian or even asexual, usually as an excuse when we weren't having sex. Because the sex had been plentiful before that... .so I never really accepted that. I would bet money if she's with a replacement, it's another guy.

[Pretty Woman]

SGraham,

  Ok... .so my ex and I were in a lesbian relationship... .my first and most likely my last.

It is VERY common for BPD's to be bi-sexual or "Gay". Not all... .but sexual fluidity gives them more options... .more supply.

That's all it is... .more options, more people to destroy.

 

I am not being judgemental but a lot of lesbians have issues with their mothers so you are dealing with a lot of insecure women, co-dependents that are attracted to other co-dependents. It's very easy to get fully emeshed in these relationships. After being involved in this community for close to three years I can say from first hand experience there is a TON of drama... .and I've met several BPD's along the way. The BPD thrives on chaos so it's a perfect persona for them to take on, a group where they can get into a lot of drama, partner swaping and more which feeds them.

Again, I am not saying all lesbians are BPD but there is a high incidence of it in the community.

Don't take it personal, my friend. I am sure you were more than enough man for her. She just wasn't woman enough for you.


PW

[SGraham]

Thanks to all who replied and especial PW's last comment, that was very kind. I thought i should say, i don't want anyone to think i fall victim to overly masculine bs like "grumble, grumble my ex turned lez because she was with me" actually i think my ex originally liked me because of how accepting i am of the LGBT community. I myself am somewhat asexual. Like i said i was more joking when i said she went lesbian because of me. It hurts because my best intuition tells me she says that to try to negate the fact that we were even an entity.

[js friend]

I agree with the others. PwBPD sexual identity seems to have more to do with acceptance within a group or who is they are attracted to at that time rather than true sexual orientation.

... .And as a mother of a dd BPD I can honestly say that it wouldnt be uncommon for your ex not to tell her family that you are no longer together as pwBPD  have so many secrets and dont want to have to explain anything which is the same for my dd. She has only ever introduced me to 1 male "friend" which she always maintained was only a friend and never her b/f.  She said that he was kind and she just enjoyed his company... .yet they went on to have 2 children together! We were never fooled and never believed it for 1 minute anyway.

Now they have "broken-up" which  exbf is happy to talk about dd insists that she doesnt know  why he has gone. Yet exbf has revealed his reasons... .He cant cope with her behaviour, she is violent and has cheated on him several times while they were together.

[Pretty Woman]

Graham,

 I understand.  I know the feeling. I was told we were never a couple, just friends. Three years of bull crap.  Her parting words were: You are my best friend and I love you so much! Nothing is changing, we will always be here for each other. She actually downplayed our entire time together.

Crickets.

3mo. Crickets. I have heard NOTHING. Sounds like a fine example of a best friend, doesn't it? Yet she is talking to all our mutual friends on FB and trying to integrate the new GF into our social circle. Luckily these people know me better (I am a social coordinator for a large community group) and have been steering clear of her. But yes, it's like I never existed. That's the hard part. We bought a dog together a year ago. I am an animal lover... .we never co-habitated and I have two cats so the dog lives with her. When we bought it I said "Are you sure this is a good idea? You won't give her away or leave her will you"? And she promised me no.

Two of her exes have her cats she left behind... .luckily they love animals. It's just sad. Her new GF hates animals. I worry she will mirror this woman and dump the puppy. I fear as she is securing her new GF the puppy is getting neglected and ignored.  Sadly, I have to let all that go and move forward. I try to send the puppy good "juju" now and then in hopes all is well with her but I have to move forward.  I am finally realizing what I thought she was and what she really is are two completely different things. There is nothing good about my ex. I am not saying this from a place of bitterness. I am saying this based on her actions towards people. When someone knows something is wrong with them, admits it, but doesn't get help and then blames others.

My compassion goes out the window.

PW