My BPDw's double standards

[Samuel S.]

Last year, my BPDw suggested I get a flu shot nearby where we live, and I did so. Afterward, she and the pharmacist who gave me the flu shot talked on the phone with him jokingly saying that I was with "another woman" which was absolutely false, and I have never cheated on my BPDw, even with all of her issues. Then, my BPDw jokingly said that I might as well be with another woman, because she is so busy. When she told me this, I was extremely hurt, but I felt so suffocated by her comment that I didn't respond. About a week or so later, I called him up, but being very polite, saying that what he said was totally horrible and totally unprofessional. At first, he said he didn't remember, but called me a day or so later saying that he apologized for saying what he did.

I recently found the courage to tell her how I felt. Yeah, I know. I have FOG big time!

Today, she and he worked at the same pharmacy. She said that I should get another flu shot there. I said no, considering he is there. After work, she tried to persuade me to think that he is not as bad as all that. In turn, she started berating a manager for saying something. She tried to convince me how the one who gave me the shot last year was "better" than the other manager.

So, my BPDw can berate someone while I am supposed to forget someone else's harsh words. Well, I just let her talk, but her double standards are not convincing.

[Ceruleanblue]

Personally, I'd let the other manager give me the shot, even if it left a crater in my arm, rather than have the person who'd made so much trouble for me do it. I'm sure he didn't know that your wife would believe him or misinterpret what he said, so personally, I'd choose to accept his apology, but that's just me. Sadly, these people who are around those with BPD don't always know the way our lives are with them. Most people would have likely taken what he said as a total joke.

I hate, hate, hate the double standards too, but it's just a way of life with mine. He's always telling me to let things go, and forgive, but I HAVE, and I'm the only one who has(he himself, and his grown kids don't forgive, and they hold huge grudges). It's projection. It still bothers me sometimes, but I can't change it. I wonder if most double standards are a form of projection?

[enlighten me]

Try not to think of it as double standards. PWBPD can fluctuate. Something that didn't seem bad one day can be seen as bad the next. This doesn't mean they have double standards. Their standards could be seen as being constant because at the time it didn't upset them but the next time it happened their feelings had changed so how they reacted had changed. They were actually being true to their standards.

I don't think I put that across very well. Its difficult for me to put into words how feelings equal facts so depending on how they feel the facts change.

Im sure if someone can decipher that they would be able to put it across more eloquently.

[Samuel S.]

Ceruleanblue, I will never allow the joking pharmacist give me a shot again due to his immaturity and insensitivity. Had he not said anything, my BPDw would not have taken as far as to make the additional comments of me supposedly being with "another woman". He had to learn his lesson, and he did. Had he just made the joke and had she just laughed it off knowing how faithful I am, then, I wouldn't have taken offense and would have gotten flu shots from him probably. Nevertheless, he chose to say what he did which was totally unprofessional and inexcusable, and that's a direct quote from my T.

Enlighten me, whether you wish to call it double standards or anything else, people can be cruel, and BPDs are cruel. They can change their opinion as quickly as they walk based on what they want to rationalize and to get away with. As far as the time between my BPDw changing her mind, it was a matter of 20 minutes, not days. Their being true to their standards means they can change when they want to, and we nonBPDs are supposedly going to change with their illogic.

I know she is a person with a horrible past who has been wounded, and like a wounded animal will react to anything and to anyone, no matter if that person is right or wrong. On the other hand, whether we are BPDs or nonBPDs, we all deserve to be treated decently and humanely with no abuse. When it is continuously happening, it is like nonBPDs being nailed farther and farther into the wood. You can rationalize why they are and how they treat you; however, when it gets to the point that BPDs manipulate, are abusive, and anything else toxic but not to the outside the world, then, it becomes very debilitating.

[Samuel S.]

I forgot to mention that my T said that she is obligated by law to report any form of abuse to the authorities. Had I said that the abuse was going on or if it is ongoing, this is something that she legally has to do. So, while my BPDw's has not been going on lately and if I were to even complain about it to my T, then, she would get me out of here. I don't look for it, nor do I want it, but if and when it happens again, I will report it. Enough is enough already!

[OnceConfused]

Samuel:

in my case, it was a definite case of double standards with the xBPDgf.  She complained to me about what her xh did to her, and then she would do it to me exactly . For example, she told me her xh complained that she left the faucet running while brushing her teeth, and yet she turned around and scolded me for slurping my soup. She talked about having no money and yet her basement room was full of clothes  (about 50 linear ft of clothing racks) with tags still on them.

Trying to understand that kind of double standards is like trying to understand why some good people die young and bad people live for a long time. You cannot.

My conclusion was that they were who they were (like what do you get when you squeeze an orange - of courser orange juice)

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex had a thing about counting things or "keeping score."  If I "kept score" to show that he wasn't holding up his end of the relationship, then I was being "childish."  But he counted things and kept score in almost every aspect of his life, even with people other than me.

[Ceruleanblue]

I totally agree that the pharmacist was unprofessional making the joke, my point was just that, I think most people probably have no idea that our partners get triggered so easily. Most people have no idea that my husband is BPD, APD, or whatever he is. He changes masks to suit who he's with. Some people he's great to, and some he chooses to show his true, ugly self.

I totally support you not getting immunized from him. When I said most people would have taken what he said as a total joke(and it was unprofessional), I was referring to your wife, not YOU. If she wasn't BPD, she likely would have known it was a joke, and she should know how seriously you take being faithful. I too have paid a high price at times from BPD for things other people innocently say, in fact BPDh has even quoted things the shrink we share has said. Of course, I KNOW this has been twisted through the BPD filter, so I take in with a grain of salt.

Hope you are hanging in there, and managing to find some good times for yourself amongst the chaos.