pwBPD inability to learn from experiences..?

[LonelyChild]

I'm curious about this. Can you relate? I'll give my latest example (one of hundreds).

So, my uBPDxgf has no life. No home (special needs living place), NO (zero) friends, FOO abandoned her (they don't have the energy anymore), no income (social welfare), no education, no driver's license, etc.

In my country, we have a site similar to eBay which she likes. She's (her SSN) is banned from there. So she asked to use my account. She said because she just wanted something to do - just look at interesting items as a pastime. I told her that she may, but she ABSOLUTELY must not bid on anything. What does she do? Starts bidding. And I'm the one who has to pay. So I changed my password immediately, called her up and told her (100% calm, I wasn't aggressive at all). I asked her (again, absolutely calm) "why do you do this? we agreed that you couldn't do it, why can't you learn? I do not mean this in any demeaning way, but genuinely, I want to understand why this happens over and over." She just cried and cried and said now that I changed the password, she has nothing left. I tried to stay in the convo and ask her about it. Why does this happen over and over. I told her I wasn't upset, I wasn't angry, I just needed to understand so that I could figure out how to manage it. Later that night, she had cut herself and there was blood everywhere. Called her dad and told him how horrible I was.

Now, if this had been 1-2 years ago, I would have responded with aggression. Screaming at her, scolding her, etc, etc. But I don't anymore. So EVEN THOUGH I'm not mad or anything (but of course had to change password to protect myself) she just cried and hurt herself.

This has happened hundreds of times during our r/s. What is this inability to learn? What do you think? Those of you who are still in a r/s with a pwBPD, how do you manage this?

[Pretty Woman]

Lonely,

   They don't possess a sense of self.

I recently met another woman and we've been talking about a month. I know more about this woman than I did my ex... .and we were together three years.

The BPD lives THROUGH you and your interests. They are lost children seeking excitement through their "fantasy". As soon as you prove to be HUMAN and have FAULTS that distorts their FANTASY and you start to be devalued.

I was devalued for keeping tissues on the night stand to blow my nose in the morning

I was devalued for running a social group with 400 people... .mind you, that's how she met me

I was devalued for spending too much time with friends (our friends we met together)

I was devalued for having any other feeling but joy and happiness. I was dumped when my father was in the hospital and I was stressed, I was dumped when a friend and I had a falling out and I was down.

I was not allowed to possess ANY emotion. I could not be myself in this relationship. No matter what I did it was wrong... .by her standards.

THAT is abuse. It is psychological and emotional abuse. The more we allowed it the more we conditioned ourselves AND conditioned them to know it was OK to abuse us. OK to manipulate. OK to leave whenever you want and return when you NEED us again.

Your ex crying over a changed password is like taking a candy bar away from a child who has indulged in too much candy. She didn't respect your wishes when you asked her not to bid on anything. You enforced a boundary by taking away the password and she is acting like a 3yo.

These are NOT healthy, adult relationships. That's why they get so weird by the end and we feel so numb and confused. A normal, healthy person does not act this way... .and we know this deep down.

We need to trust our gut instincts and stop second guessing ourselves 

PW

[FannyB]

LC

Your gf is an extreme example of someone with BPD, and for many of us who dated more 'mainstream' versions it's pretty hard to comprehend how far a person can fall into a self-destructive pit of despair. 

You mention that she has pretty much lost everything - every outlet that distracts her from the pain of being her. PwBPD are known to be extremely impulsive and live in the moment. Even though you laid down a pre-condition of use, you essentially gave her an opportunity to self-soothe - and she took it with both hands. 

I suppose it's like leaving cocaine on the table, and telling a drug addict not to touch it before going out the door. The inevitable happens.

Fanny

[js friend]

pwBPD are impulsive and do not have the executive function to think things through so this was bound to happen whether she had money in her account or not. It made her feel good in that moment and she wasnt thinking about the consequences.

My dd is the same. She has an online shopping addiction and buys something everyday. Her excuse is that they are only little things,... .yet little things add up. She is running out of space to put this stuff now and is trying to find alternative storage, yet it doesnt seem to have even crossed her mind to just stop buying!  

[lovenature]

Our emotions are based on what we experience in reality, a pwBPD has an emotion and creates a reality based on it. They have core shame and lack a sense of self, they can't truly admit fault and learn from mistakes because the pain would be too great.

My uexBPDgf constantly questioned my fidelity over and over again for no logical reason, in reality she was the one who lied to me about a relationship with another man, I forgave her and continued to show my faithfulness (had no idea about BPD at the time). She never trusted me.