Are the good times worth the bad?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all

Feels great to finally reach out , thanks to who ever reads this.

I'm at my wits end, i'm in love with an amazing women and we do have a wonderful thoughtful relationship but truth is i spend so much time miserable, depressed because i just don't know what the next trigger will be.

We have come along way in the last year, we work alot on ourselves and thankfully in a good moment she aknowledged that all the signs point to BPD. She has always chose to work on her self with various self help courses like anthony robins and such. Though she says she has made huge personal gains from these course i think there's more of a tendency just to repeat buzz words like compassion, peace, integrity rather than actually teach these things as a mindstate.

To be honest i'm just sick of these cycles. A couple months of intense, thoughtful love and then a slow build up over the next couple months where gradually every single thing becomes a problem and it's all my fault. Eventually i crack and then after breaking down over anything amd everything herself, she'll accuse me of being over sensitive. Then i we usually have proper breakdown, she has a massive realisation, she'll see everything she's done and apologise and swear she'll be different. I am always loving and supporting, i try to be strong and not react when she is being abusive but it's hard after a while. Start cycle, end cycle, repeat.

After a period where i have had to save her from a rent she couldn't afford and than about 8 months of me working my balls off up to 80hrs at work and then every other thing she wanted me to do on too, now the table are turned. She has gone back to work and i've been hit by a car and can't work. It's now apparrent how little she is prepared to do for me and i feel like there is just nothing i can ever do other than be perfect( not possiblle because she too often wants contridictory things!). I don't ever ask anythjng of her, other than the whole, 'please don't ubuse me' thing. But she has so many demands and constant expectations that it's clear what ever lip service she pays to my hard work, it counts for nothing because it's never enough for her.

I just don't know how to go forward. I love her but her ability to turn every tiny situation into turture is toomuch and i don't want a misserable life. But at the same time i believe we will have the happiest life together if we can deal with this disorder.

She is putting up various degrees of resistance to seeing a psycologist from full agreement to full reaction and accusations of just being judgemental. It's to the point where i feel an ultimatum is my only course of action but i don't like this as it feels like emotional blackmail and i don't think she'd then approach it with the right mindset.

Where do i startt?

Thanks so much if you read this far lar

Sam

Sorry qbout the essay... .Had a bit to get out

[Samuelis]

Hi all

Feels great to finally reach out , thanks to who ever reads this.

I'm at my wits end, i'm in love with an amazing women and we do have a wonderful thoughtful relationship but truth is i spend so much time miserable, depressed because i just don't know what the next trigger will be.

We have come along way in the last year, we work alot on ourselves and thankfully in a good moment she aknowledged that all the signs point to BPD. She has always chose to work on her self with various self help courses like anthony robins and such. Though she says she has made huge personal gains from these course i think there's more of a tendency just to repeat buzz words like compassion, peace, integrity rather than actually teach these things as a mindstate.

To be honest i'm just sick of these cycles. A couple months of intense, thoughtful love and then a slow build up over the next couple months where gradually every single thing becomes a problem and it's all my fault. Eventually i crack and then after breaking down over anything amd everything herself, she'll accuse me of being over sensitive. Then i we usually have proper breakdown, she has a massive realisation, she'll see everything she's done and apologise and swear she'll be different. I am always loving and supporting, i try to be strong and not react when she is being abusive but it's hard after a while. Start cycle, end cycle, repeat.

After a period where i have had to save her from a rent she couldn't afford and than about 8 months of me working my balls off up to 80hrs at work and then every other thing she wanted me to do on too, now the table are turned. She has gone back to work and i've been hit by a car and can't work. It's now apparrent how little she is prepared to do for me and i feel like there is just nothing i can ever do other than be perfect( not possiblle because she too often wants contridictory things!). I don't ever ask anythjng of her, other than the whole, 'please don't ubuse me' thing. But she has so many demands and constant expectations that it's clear what ever lip service she pays to my hard work, it counts for nothing because it's never enough for her.

I just don't know how to go forward. I love her but her ability to turn every tiny situation into turture is toomuch and i don't want a misserable life. But at the same time i believe we will have the happiest life together if we can deal with this disorder.

She is putting up various degrees of resistance to seeing a psycologist from full agreement to full reaction and accusations of just being judgemental. It's to the point where i feel an ultimatum is my only course of action but i don't like this as it feels like emotional blackmail and i don't think she'd then approach it with the right mindset.

Where do i startt?

Thanks so much if you read this far lar

Sam

Sorry qbout the essay... .Had a bit to get out

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Welcome!

You start with the Lessons on the right of this page. Read them, learn them, commit them to memory. It may take some tweaking to find out what works, because every person with BPD is not the same. When I do SET, I usually leave off the "truth" part because he doesn't want to hear my truth, he never takes it well. It's a trigger.

If you read around on here enough, you'll see that some people do make it better by making changes in themselves and how they react, or respond to their BPD partner. I've had somewhat mixed results, and I personally think that even with the Lessons, the degree of help you get somewhat varies on if your BPD is high functioning or low functioning.

The things you wrote and expressed, lots of them I could have written. Lots of us have the same sort of feelings. I've learned to validate, watch how I say things, read books, used the tools, but he still cycles and paints me black. My BPDH is even in DBT, and it was suggested by his psychiatrist. BPDh has twisted that to say that I suggested DBT to his psychiatrist, when that just IS NOT true. So many times, they'll deny reality, deny the diagnosis.

At least your partner is willing to work on herself, and has acknowledged that it could be BPD. I think that's huge. If she's open to learning, DBT would be great for her. Heck, I got a DBT book, just so I could learn it, and I think it has concepts that can help anyone. It's sort of the gold standard for DBT from what I've gathered. Created to treat BPD, but now also others are finding it beneficial. MY BPDh just got worse while he was in regular therapy. It was almost like talk, talk, talking about all his resentments and hurt, just magnified them. Plus, his T didn't push him, and he became dependent on her(four years of seeing her), with no progress, and he didn't listen to her good advice, he'd only take the advice that suited his selfish needs.

Only you'll know if after you've learned the tools, given some time to work them, and really see if she perhaps gets help, if you really want to stay. If the good does outweigh the bad. I've wanted to stay married to BPDh so badly, and make things work, but I can't take the constant threats, blame, and anger. Plus, he seems to want out, and I'm done begging. Why would I keep begging for more abuse. Like you, the only thing I really expect or wanted was for the outright abuse to stop.

Hang in there, and keep blogging and learning. This is a good place, and we're happy to have you.

[Samuelis]

Thanks so much for your reply. It does feel good to know others share my experiences. I want so much to love my abuser, to be strong for her but it's been hard with no support. She is def high functioning, which can be hard when i see her switch from b___ to fantastic in half a second.

We share most of our friends, talking to any of them about this would be more drama than it's worth, she hates herself for acting this way but then externalises everything and everything becomes the fault of everybody else or the universe. Thanks for the advice, i've just gone out and bought a few BPD related books and started a journal. I'm sure i can get her to do at least some dbt but as trust between therapist and patient is key, i'm not sure i'm the best person to do the work with her as imposter sha does not believe a word i say. She'll aknowledge that i never lie or do anything to intentionally hurt her, she knows she'll be apologising to me after whatever fight, she know's it litterally never happens the other way yet imposter wont listen, trust or believe me.

I feel like i'm fighting a lost cause. I have a deeper connection with her than anybody i've ever met, but i have to weigh my happiness and be fair to me. I'm no martyr, if i sacrifice my happiness so she can maintain her missery i don't think anybody wins.

After a bit of research i'm starting to feel like this is something that should have such a better public awareness. It affects so many people and one of the key characteristics seems to be denile and hiding the disorder from everybody except those who are being directly affected. So much missery could be averted if there was better recognition around this. Depressing really but then that's just one more under reported over stigmatised mental condition to add to the list... .

Wow i sound bitter, i'm not usually but it's hard to see the positive path around this one. At least i know i'm walking a fairly well travelled path. Thanks again x

[Jessica84]

You are so smart to keep a journal! I wish I had done that 6 years ago. The first few months were magical - the rest turned into one twisted psychological nightmare after the next... .Rages, breakups, suicidal threats, Jeckyl/Hyde personalities, accusations. There were good times sprinkled in here and there, but all and all, things were only getting worse.

When I learned about BPD about a year ago, I read everything I could, especially the workshops on this board. They help a lot, even when I screwed it all up in practice! I learned that everything I was dealing with was frighteningly common here so reading other people's experiences helped a lot, too.

Took me awhile to understand this disorder, and even longer to realize how I contributed to the dysfunction, but things have finally started to improve. So I'd say now that the good times are worth the bad... .but only because the bad are getting less severe, and less often.