Projecting ?

[cm3557]

My s/o was undiagnosed when we got together but based on our relationship I gently suggested that he may have BPD--- after a bad blow out I went no contact and he was showing up to my house/calling/yelling to my window/ -- when I finally agreed to speak with him he said he'd gone and got diagnosed and was seeing a borderline specialist.

Ever since his diagnosis and becoming "aware" of his behaviors and he now is taking things I've said and my experiences in the relationship and reversing them! He is literally quoting things I've said to him and throwing it back on me accusingly (ie: I can't do anything right for you, I'm constantly walking on eggshells)-- he will just start spewing it off to the point where I can't even get a word in. It's ridiculous!

Did he really just become aware that his behavior was awful and is just projecting it on me to cope? He's now making himself the victim in every situation and attributing his bad qualities to me.  I literally stand there thinking "WHAT? THATS WHAT IM GOING THROUGH- YOU ARE DOING THAT TO ME ! NOT YHE REVERSE!"

I'm so exhausted and it's infuriating. There's no reasoning. He will also just throw away discussions now and say "don't even bother responding you'll just get angry and blame it on BPD and storm out" ... .Constantly still being put in no- win situations.

Not sure how to handle this. How can he "love me so much" and think I'm so awful and attribute all this horrible qualities to me and make me out to be so hard to be around.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JQ]

Hello CM. 

I see you're new to the group so welcome ... .you've found a home with others who have been where you are ... .have experienced what you have ... .we've all rode the crazy train & have the signed t-shirt.  Here you'll find no judgement but a ear to listen to you vent, or a cyber hug ... .there are references to the right ====> and some at the top so be sure to explore those. Read all that you can about BPD, books like "Stop walking on eggshells, I love you I hate you don't leave me, The Human Magnet syndrome" just to mention a few all that you can find at your local library. 

I know it can be frustrating loving and caring for someone who has BPD, we've all been there. You have to know that this behavioral issue/illness happened long before you came into the picture. The 3 C's are YOU didn't Cause it!  YOU can't Control it! YOU can't Cure it!  My exBPDgf has been going to a therapist on and off for 25 years and knows that she'll have to probably go for the rest of her life. She knows why she is this way, what caused her BPD, but still finds it hard to deal with it day to day. She fights her demons in the dark places in her mind everyday. I can't begin to imagine what demons she holds at bay everyday ... .she's told me a small portion of her childhood and I wish I cold take all that away but reality is I can't. I just can be there to support her ... .

The behavior isn't going to make sense most of the time ... .they behave very much like a 3 year old. No one I know can figure out the logic of a 3 year old. SO it's going to be frustrating ... .it's going to be infuriating. They'e never really learned how to deal with the trauma they had ... .the absent parent ... .so they lash out, they rage. I've come to learn TRY and not take it personal. I learned that the more she told me the more she trust me, the more she let me into her world. When she does that she rages because she's never learned how to deal with certain things and it reflects in her behavior. I've had to learn that people with BPD need boundaries and learn the consequences if they push those boundaries. I've set a few boundaries and for the most part they're working ... .like all relationships we take a step or two backwards but we continue to move forward and continue to talk, text but there are limits.

Imagine if you were told that you had a severe mental/behavioral illness and that you'll need treatment for quite possibly the rest of your life. He's directing that anchor towards you, he's raging against you because you "gently suggested he might have BPD". This is where you talk about push / pull ... .you start to engulf them and they push you away. Then when you had enough of the roller coaster crazy train and decide to get off they pull you back to them because they fear severe abandonment.  It's not easy, it doesn't make sense ... .you have to ask yourself why do you love this person? Are they going to make a great partner in life? Is this the lifestyle you want 10 months from how much less 10 years from now. Will they make a great father/mother figure for your kids? Will they teach them how a good mutual respectful relationship is suppose to be with you? You'll need to ask yourself these questions in addition to a few others. No one can decide for you or point you in the right direction. All we can do is explain our experiences and how we felt and listen to you.

Now that you can come back here as much as needed to vent, find someone to listen to you ... .or read what others are posting.

JQ

[dacoming]

It is definitely infuriating and happens to me all the time.  It seems everything I'm thinking that she does she turns and says I'm that way.  It's seems impossible to deal with for me.  I wish you well.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, what you are describing is very typical of pwBPD. If you've ever said it to him, expect it to be parroted back at some time. I'm not even sure they are aware where they originally heard it from! In a weird sense, it sometimes feels like I gave BPDh the ammo to use against me, because he'd later accuse me of the very things I'd said were so not okay that he did. It's like things just become scrambled in their head. Or, like it's suddenly on their radar because we dared to mention an issue.

Lots of us have experienced this, and it continues to happen to me. I think the less attention or credence you give it, the better off you are. I mean, they can accuse us of anything they want to, but it doesn't make it reality. It is rather infuriating though, and can make you feel crazy. It used to really upset me, but now I just remind myself that this is just something he does. It's unpleasant, but I also know it's not true, and defending accomplished nothing, so why bother. Heck, I sometimes think he does it just to get me to argue. Best not to feed that fire.

[unicorn2014]

Really great advice here and I can relate too. Do like they said and start availing yourself of the information available in books. It really helps. I'm struggling with the projection issue myself.

[waverider]

Its one of the reasons diagnosis are often not openly discussed. They can take the label on and use it as an excuse, project it back to normalize their own behaviors (hey I am no different to you).

My wife wears it and will tell anyone who will listen. Pours lots of effort into it, execept towards structured commitments to get better.