Ending a relationship the right way.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

My partner and I have experienced a rough ride for almost two years. There have been many instances where situations have become volatile (although not violent) and have escalated to break ups. Reading through the splash page, before registering to seek some advice, it very accurately describes our relationship. I understand & have understood that the healthiest decision for the over-all well-being of she & I is to finally let each other go and try to do that under compassionate and caring  terms. Any advice I can receive to help facilitate this I would be very grateful for. I really don't want to feel hurt or that I am hurting her anymore. Thank you.

[Caley]

Hello,

My partner and I have experienced a rough ride for almost two years. There have been many instances where situations have become volatile (although not violent) and have escalated to break ups. Reading through the splash page, before registering to seek some advice, it very accurately describes our relationship. I understand & have understood that the healthiest decision for the over-all well-being of she & I is to finally let each other go and try to do that under compassionate and caring  terms. Any advice I can receive to help facilitate this I would be very grateful for. I really don't want to feel hurt or that I am hurting her anymore. Thank you.

[Surg_Bear]

Welcome to the Leaving Board.

I'm sorry you've had life circumstance to end up here, but this is a good place to be.  There are not so good places on the internet filled with hatred.

I really don't want to feel hurt or that I am hurting her anymore. Thank you.

There is no easy way to say this... .  Your expectations of finding a painless way to detach from a person with BPD are not realistic.  You can find tools and tactics to LESSEN pain, but you are, after all, dealing with BPD.  This in itself is a painful experience.

Read as much as you can.  Spend as much time here as you can.  Do NOT tell your partner you think they have a personality disorder, if it has not been professionally diagnosed.  Learn all you can about what to expect from pwBPD when you break up.  Ensure you have a safe and secure exit plan.  Cut Bait.  Get out. Do NOT ever go back.

Then, experience the hurt.

Good luck.  We have all been there.

Surg_Bear

[joeramabeme]

Hello,

My partner and I have experienced a rough ride for almost two years. There have been many instances where situations have become volatile (although not violent) and have escalated to break ups. Reading through the splash page, before registering to seek some advice, it very accurately describes our relationship. I understand & have understood that the healthiest decision for the over-all well-being of she & I is to finally let each other go and try to do that under compassionate and caring  terms. Any advice I can receive to help facilitate this I would be very grateful for. I really don't want to feel hurt or that I am hurting her anymore. Thank you.

Caley, welcome to your new family!  Agreed with SurgBear's response, said very well.  It takes a lot of courage to register and post.   This is the beginning of becoming free from what is most likely a toxic relationship for you.  We have all experienced joy, pain, sadness, hope and then discovery of BPD and the healing from the same. 

What has happened that brought you to the board?  Was it a specific incident or more a general sense that "something was not right"?

[lovenature]

Hi Caley,

I empathize with you, and recommend telling her you don't want any more hurt for either of you, ask her not to contact you because you both need to heal.

Be prepared for her not to accept the end of the relationship. Read, post and learn about BPD, you will find so many similarities from others and their experiences will help you for what is to come. Process your feelings and work through them as best you can, don't bury them. I hope things go as good as possible for you.  

[gameover]

So you've been painted black.  Nothing's worse than being devalued by the person who once loved you (especially when they attempt to ruin your reputation).  Over and over again I've seen people on these boards agonize over what their BPD exes think about them--are you split black? white? what are they telling your friends? do they want to recycle?

Even though you know they're mentally ill, you still don't want them to think badly about you.

All of her other exes were horrible, horrible people (right?  ), and now you've joined their ranks.  Even though you went above and beyond and did everything you could.  But what did all of these horrible, horrible people have in common (besides dating her)? They probably reacted poorly (or naturally, from a NON perspective) to the cheating/sudden break up--they tried to defend themselves, using reality  , and tried to convince their BPD partner that they were making a mistake. They tried to hold the BPD accountable.

In short, they didn't respect the BPDness of the BPD.  But what if you could out-BPD the BPD and use their tactics (devaluation, projection, idealization, etc.) to reverse the situation and make the breakup a positive, validating experience for the BPD?

Depending on several factors--where you are in the breakup process, whether you're still in contact, if your BPD has any level of respect for you, etc.--this guide may not work for you.  But basically, here are the things I did that allowed me to become my BPDexgf's first 'Split-White Ex' and saved my reputation.  

1. You're gonna be the bad guy.  Embrace it.  When the breakup happens, devalue yourself faster than she can devalue you.  Validate her decision.  :)on't try to defend yourself.  It'll catch her off guard, and may cause her to recant some of her attacks and reverse her opinions.

BPDexgf:  All we do is fight.

gamover:  You're right.  We've done nothing but fight the past month.

BPDexgf:  But we really haven't--

gamover:  You're making the right decision--I'm a terrible boyfriend.  I tried, but you gave me all the love you had and I didn't know how to give it back.  I'm bad for you, BPDexgf.  I don't know how you put up with me for so long.  I admire you for having the strength to walk away.

BPDexgf:  [crying] But it was perfect.

2.  Project her issues back onto yourself.  She's gonna do it anyway; beat her to it.  Make her think you're just like her (except don't pretend you lied or cheated  ).  Think of it as mirroring a reverse projection.

gameover:  I tried to control you.  That was wrong.  I don't know why I did it--I tried to... .absorb you, make you part of myself.  Of everything, I'm sorry for robbing you of your independence.

BPDexgf:  I was controlling.

gameover:  I tried to be the perfect man for you.  I wanted to--but the truth is, I'm like an eight year-old stuck inside an adult's body... .I probably sound crazy.

BPDexgf:  [looking guilty] You're overthinking everything... .

3.  Validate her and idealize the relationship.  Tell her how much you have valued your time together (because for a lot of that time you did).  Let her know she's been a wonderful girlfriend (because a lot of the time she was).  Let her keep the fantasy--that was the part she wanted you to value, anyway.  

gameover:  God, it feels like our relationship was a movie.

BPDexgf:  What do you mean?

gameover:  It just felt so magical--like too good to be true.

BPDexgf:  [thinking for a moment] We just had a really long honeymoon.

4.  :)on't try to hold her accountable.  You can't.  :)on't bother.  She'll never accept it.  She already blames herself.  I know after she broke up with me (but we were still supposed to be sexually exclusive  ) my BPDexgf hooked up with her ex and didn't tell me.  Game over, for me.  Part of her knows I know--all of the sudden I refuse to sleep with her and am no longer willing to work on a relationship.  But she doesn't know I know for sure--because I haven't reacted emotionally.  I haven't accused her or tried to make her feel guilty; I haven't even mentioned it.  It keeps her on her toes.  She's waiting for me to blow up on her and make her feel worthless, so she can paint me black.  I don't need to do that.  And she's my ex anyway.

5.  :)on't engage her attacks.  If she gets off base, don't give her a reaction.  That includes defending yourself.  If she gets emotional, let her.

Things I ignored:

"You never really cared about me."

"Why won't you fight for me?"

"I'll never trust you again."

"I thought you were the man I was going to marry."

Occasionally, I'd give her a "Wamp, wamp."  She didn't pursue any of these further.

6.  :)amage control.  My ex and I have a ton of mutual friends and acquaintances.  :)o you know what I've told all of them about the breakup?  

"I take full responsibility.  If you feel the need to take sides, take her side.  She needs friends right now."

Even if she does try a smear campaign (though after steps 1-5, she is neutral/idealizing towards me) I've already shown these people that I'm bigger than the blame game.  If they try to dig for juicy info, I just repeat myself.  When/if she talks to them, they're already predisposed to think highly of me and if she tries to blame things on me, it makes her look suspect.

I know this all sounds like a pain in the butt. And it might not feel honest to you.  But the truth is, in her eyes, this is the truth.  And chances are you were controlling, you were pretending to be perfect, you were trying to absorb her, you were failing to recognize her independence, you were acting out from your inner child.  Mostly you were trying to project your reality onto her.  Am I right? NON reality is like gaslighting to a BPD.  Same thing.  Her reality is her reality.  As the "mentally healthy" person you might as well own your part in the dysfunctional relationship.

Closure: Using these principles, I was able to get my BPDexgf to admit:

"It's not you--I do this in all my relationships.  Even my close friends.  I don't know why... ."

"I'm sorry I'm crazy."

"We've had so much fun."

"It's both of our faults."

"I'm so glad you're not angry at me."

"I'll always care about you."  (She knows love is off the table).

Basically, she's super comfortable with me now.  She knows I'm not a threat.  She knows we can be friends from a distance, but that I have to "save myself" (God's honest truth!).  She knows I'm not going to judge her.  She knows that I value our memories--because I do.  She knows I value myself too much to try to hurt her.  And that I respect myself too much to try to recycle.  And deep down, she knows I understand her issue.  And if she ever asks, I'll point her towards DBT.

Bonus:  Other lines that got a positive response:  

"I'm gonna be that Drake-type ex--always calling your phone late at night and getting emotional." (Humor is a big plus! Leave the emotions/anger to her.)

"Just because something doesn't last, doesn't mean they wasn't perfect."  (Admit it, they were perfect for a while.)

"I'm really jealous of your ability not to judge other people.  And to really connect to other people.   I wish I could be more like that."  (The most admirable quality of BPD's IMO).

Hope this helps!

This is how I handled things, and things have mostly been pretty smooth.  Of course, every pwBPD is different and will react differently.  All the best.

[Caley]

Many thanks for your replies ... and thank you for the welcome too. I realise I haven't given too much information about my perspective of the relationship history ... and I'm a little reticent about making a judgement or a self diagnosis about whether or not this is a case of BPD. Whilst my partner may have her issues ... I am sure I may have my own which have contributed to this sad outcome. Although, after reading through a great deal of the site, and that there does seem to be as many flavours to BPD as there are people who suffer from it; it does appear to be a very close explanation as to what is going on here.

@Surg_Bear ... .thank you for the reality check ... yes, you're right ... nothing has felt very real in terms of expecting any reasonability on behalf of the interactions with my partner ... conversations about resolving our differences have mostly left me feeling like I'm having a circular conversation that doesn't ever make sense or end ... let alone find a resolution. And any 'changing' in order to better get along with each other has felt incumbent upon me with little display of change from Emma. In retrospect, perhaps, the 'topic title' of this thread should be re-written ... .asking more about damage limitation as opposed to ending 'the right way'?

'Cut Bait ... And never go back' is the goal ... however 'Getting out' is the sticky bit as we both share a financial obligation to a rental property and there are practicalities to address before being able to go completely no contact.

@joeramabeme ... thank you for your words.

The was an undercurrent of an uneasy feeling right from the beginning of the relationship for me ... but not something I could easily put my finger on. Relationship started off great in my opinion but quickly began to hit some turbulence three to four weeks after sexual contact (I had courted her for 3 months prior to her suddenly throwing herself at me one evening in a pub ... which was very complimentary but a little surprising at the same time ... I was 49 at the time and she was 35 (nearly two years ago) ... I put it down to the generation gap and that this, perhaps, was the way the modern generation of free spiritedness operated). I did get a sense of idealisation, devaluation and discarding behaviour ... but whenever I backed off she came right back and the idealisation phase would ensue again ... these phases, admittedly began to get shorter and shorter ... and we broke it off when she went to art college for 10 months after 9 months of on and off interaction ... which put 400 miles between us. Three months later on her visit back home for Christmas I received a text that felt quite phoney but implied she missed me and wanted to see me again ... which, of course ... happened ... and what followed was another honeymoon period that lasted until she returned to college in the January. I had said that if we weren't able to give to each other what we each wanted then we should leave each other alone. I received a text message after she had gone back to college that said she thought I made sense but that she didn't want us to leave each other alone.

At Easter she returned home again to family and we spent some quality time together ... she brought up the subject ... should she decide to come back home after finishing her college course ... that we might consider finding a place to live together? I said that that would be a possible consideration and a natural move if we still held strong feelings for each other. A few weeks prior to her finishing her course she requested that we Skype ... she seemed anxious ... so I agreed. She recalled a time when I had gone for lunch with a female acquaintance some months before and asked if there was anything ‘going on’ between us. I reassured her that it was just a loose friendship and that I had no romantic feelings for my friend ... only that her field of research and mine overlapped and we sometimes discussed the overlap. Emma said that my friend was a neuro-scientist ... I felt she was eluding to her feelings of perhaps being beneath my friend in intellect ... I explained that there was more to someone’s attractiveness than intellect and that I thought she was more intellectual than she gave herself credit for ... and that she had no reason to be worried. She remarked that she was fearful that I might be keeping ‘my options’ open … which, incidentally, I had felt that this was exactly what she had been doing since the turbulence began in the relationship but didn’t voice it.

Some weeks passed and she came home and very quickly wanted to look for a place to share together … which we did ... that was 8 weeks ago. Since moving in together the push/pull cycle has increased exponentially and in that time the relationship has been recycled on three occasions. On the last occasion ... which took place 4 weeks ago ... after I enquired why I hadn’t been invited to attend one of her friend’s wedding day and getting a confused and superficial explanation ... we agreed that we would try one last time to make things work ... and if we couldn’t we would agree to walk away from each other. In that period of ‘trying’ there were the same instances of her wanting to be close followed by longer very uncomfortable silences and distancing behaviour. At the end of the last episode I received a text message whilst at work which read verbatim:

“Hey, I’ll be home ltr this eve around 7.15 – 7.30ish … going to play badminton with a friend. Have a good day. x”.

She has adopted this approach before and I have felt she was trying to introduce suspicion/jealousy/insecurity to our relationship. I replied,

“Great, you’ll be all sweaty ... see you back at the ranch.x”

That evening she returned quite buoyant and playful. I was upstairs reading ... and she came into the bedroom ... laid beside me and was quite affectionate. I asked her if she’d had a good game of badminton and she said yes. I asked her which friend she played with and she replied, “David ***, y’know ... the photographer from Zimbabwe.” … I said I didn’t know of him or that he was a friend of hers ... to which she replied ... yes you do ... I told you about him ages ago … I have a vague recollection that she might have but I knew that he certainly wasn’t a friend and more of a business contact. I asked her when she had arranged to play badminton with him and she said, “yesterday afternoon, probably” ... I then asked why she hadn’t told me the night before ... to which she replied ... we were in different rooms doing different things. I said, that I felt pangs of jealousy to which she responded I had nothing to feel jealous about. At that point I said, “Em ... I’m done!” And, went downstairs. She followed me downstairs and said her arranging to play badminton with this chap was no different from me having lunch with the neuro-scientist (which took place well over a year ago). I said ... no it wasn’t ... but that wasn’t what was upsetting ... it was the way she had arranged it and done it. Again, I said I was done ... she said I’ll pack some things and go (to her Mother’s).

There was no communication between us until 6pm the next day when she texted to say that she was really tired with how we are. That she felt sad and it will hurt lots but in the long run she believed that separating was best for both of us. She then asked if I wanted to stay in and take sole responsibility of the house. I didn’t reply until the day after feeling again that I was being manipulated ... and when I did reply said only that it was a sad situation and that as she had keys to the house and was entitled to come and go as she pleased as the house was a shared responsibility.

She replied quickly and said that we needed to talk about the practicalities of separating ... I replied that I agreed and she said she would come in 30 mins to discuss them. When she got here she asked me what I wanted to do ... I had decided it might be beneficial to record the conversation ... and explained that it wasn’t about what I wanted to do ... she had made a decision to leave and it was now her responsibility to carry out her intentions without help from me. I intended to remain accountable for my side of the house rental agreement ... that, that was what I was going to do and didn’t feel it was my place to tell her what to do.  She got very cross ... but not overly. She said, “I don’t want your f@?#ing help ... I never have. You’re being obstinate, awkward and un-adult like. I asked her what she wanted and she said she wanted out of here, her name off the rental contract and to be gone. To which I didn’t respond. A few seconds of silence prevailed and she said that if she was going to still pay half of the rent that she was leaving her things here in storage ... and go and think about what she was going to do ... I said that I didn’t have a problem with that ... and she went upstairs to collect more of her clothes.

After she’d been packing for a while and loading her car with her clothes and other effects ... I could see she was a littler calmer ...

@lovenature ... this is when I said to her that I didn’t want anymore hurt for either of us ... that emotions were still running high and that any decisions made now might be regretted later. I said I felt it would be in both our interests to just not be sharing the same space for a few days and after which we could talk about practicalities. She said that she thought that was a good idea. Before she left I asked her if she was OK ... to which she replied, yes. She then asked if I was OK and I had to say, “No, not really.” And then she left.

Later that night I received a text from her saying that she hated the thought that I was not OK and wanted to hug me ... that we’re both not going to be alright but we would be eventually ... she just couldn’t take us running each other into the ground anymore. I didn’t respond.

I got a text from her the next day asking if it was OK if she popped into the house that day to pick up a few bits … and to remind me that the TV licence had run out at the end of August ... all of which I was aware of. To which I also did not reply. I did notice she had been back to the house but for the life of me can’t see what else she has taken. I haven’t received anything else from her for a day or two and that she is now accepting we should not speak for a few days.

…. You have some information and I’m conscious that anymore information will put you to sleep.

Is there any advice as to what to expect next ... ? I noticed that even though I had requested we give each other a little space for a few days ... and that she agreed to it at the time ... she felt it appropriate to text message me a couple of times over the next two days before actually honouring what we agreed.

@gameover ... thanks for the advice. I’m glad for you that your approach worked for you & I can see some merit to it ... it feels a little like psychological game playing to me though ... and I’m way too tired at this point to adopt this strategy ... I believe that when two people are honest with each other then there is enough respect for each other to resist game playing.

Any advice on what to expect next would be gratefully received. Many thanks, Caley.

[lovenature]

If she does have BPD it is all about her needs all the time, a pwBPD feels emotions on a very high level and makes up their own reality to go with them. She might say/agree to something one minute and say something else the next.

I would caution you on her having access to your residence, I had a house key disappear (changed locks), mail stolen, my uBPDexgf will walk right into my house (separate residence) if my door is unlocked; if I say "what are doing, you are not welcome here", she just shrugs it off and says "don't say that", most pwBPD don't respect boundaries what so ever.

I have tried to talk to mine in different ways and get her to see we are hurting each other by continuing to have contact (can't reason with 3 yr. old emotional maturity); she refuses to accept the relationship is over and will not leave me alone. LC hasn't worked because one minute she wants to be friends, then FWB, then married (she will sign a prenup  )  , NC seems to be the only way.

[shatra]

Caley wrote

we broke it off when she went to art college for 10 months after 9 months of on and off interactions

-----Do u mean it was officially on and off (i.e.---breakups) or do u mean that you would see her one day, then not for awhile, then see her, then not see her for a few days, in other words not a daily get-together?

[Caley]

Thanks for your thoughts ...

@lovenature ... .it does seem that some people enjoy breaking social rules of respect for others ... and then watching the reaction. My partner's behaviour, in this way, has increased to a point where it just feels plain childlike and she is purposely intent on trying to rub me up the wrong way ... which I feel is a sign of her own anger at something she is unable to articulate in an emotionally honest way. It isn't appropriate that I request back the house keys because we share a tenancy agreement and she has her personal belongings here still. The last time she came to the house, after texting to ask if it was OK to do so to pick up some things, it didn't appear to me that she'd actually taken anything. Perhaps it was just to remind me of her presence ... I don't really know.

@shatra ... we decided to end the relationship of nine months after she went on a course to a University that was 400 miles away ... .there was a period of no contact for 2 months after which she got in touch to wish me a happy birthday. A week went by and I received another long distance text from her about something she thought I would be interested in. I thanked her but didn't escalate any further text communication. A month later ... after she had returned home to spend Christmas with her family ... (just down the road from me) ... I received a very late night text saying that she was missing me and implying she wanted contact again ... both verbal and physical.

... .I guess ... since I'm not in a position to go completely no contact ... I'm going to need to settle for lowest possible contact until such time as I can arrange to take on our house solely by myself and after she has moved all of her effects out.

What I'm mindful of is to not be vengeful or to invalidate her feelings and emotions ... which I believe is the root of her behaviour and why she becomes silently angry and acts in passive aggressive ways. I think it really is all about how they feel at any point in time regardless of the consequences of their behaviour. A little bit like a small child ... which, no matter how you try hasn't yet acquired the skills to regulate their emotions other than to have a little tantrum.

Your thoughts are welcome on this ... if my intuition serves me right she'll be in touch or want to come to the house when I'm in ... in the next few days ... either to feel that I'm not angry with her or to vent further frustration in some way.

[joeramabeme]

Caley, I know you are wondering about stating this is BPD.  I read your reply to what had happened and it sure sounds familiar with everything that i have read out here including my own story.

she had made a decision to leave and it was now her responsibility to carry out her intentions without help from me. I intended to remain accountable for my side of the house rental agreement ... that, that was what I was going to do and didn’t feel it was my place to tell her what to do.  She got very cross ... but not overly. She said, “I don’t want your f@?#ing help ... I never have. You’re being obstinate, awkward and un-adult like. I asked her what she wanted and she said she wanted out of here, her name off the rental contract and to be gone.

This really stood out.  This is classic, accusing you of the very same that she is doing. BTW, your response was very adult, kudos!

[Caley]

Thanks joeramabeme,

I can certainly identify some BPD traits but whether it is a full blown example of the disorder I'm not qualified to make. Often there is co-morbidity with other cluster B traits.

I awoke this morning to a text, she sent late last night just before midnight, requesting that she'd like us to discuss "what we think the options are with the house. Pls let me know if you want to do this in person or otherwise."

My experience has been that she has very little respect for agreements (legal or inter-relationship) or much empathy for anyone else's position but her own.

I am tempted to reply and arrange that we talk ... but only because I feel that it is the right thing to do ... .however, in retrospect, whenever I have wanted to discuss the relationship and why things were going wrong for us ... I've been given the spin around and non-sensical responses to a point where I've wanted to tear my hair out. In reality I guess ... there isn't much to discuss ... it's over ... she needs to sort out her end of the contract ... and she doesn't need me to do that.

Thanks again for your support joeramabeme ... I, being me ... don't need or have to do anything but stand my ground and ignore her text ... even though and despite the fact that I think doing so is disrespectful.

Best wishes.

[lovenature]

I understand your feeling of disrespect not replying, but how many times were you respectful in communications and how did they turn out? (want to pull your hair out; me too, many times)

Remember you are not dealing with an emotionally mature adult, you can't reason with them.

[Caley]

@lovenature ... .hahaha ... you made me laugh (pulling hair out) ... yes you're right ... not much respect returned when respect given.

I did reply to her text out of courtesy and probably because I feel what she is really trying to say is ... please don't hate me. She knows she can behave terribly & in my opinion she just can't help herself to resist saying & doing things that most people would be abhorrent of.


Her text ...

I'd like us to discuss what we both think the options are with the house.Pls let me know if you want to do this in person or otherwise.

This was my reply ...

Hi Em,

Thanks for your text ... it felt nice to hear from you and I hope you are OK. I hope too that your trip to NEC was productive.

Your suggestion to discuss options makes sense. However, like I said when we last spoke on Sunday evening, to begin to make things better ... first we meed to stop making things worse for us both ... and, any rash decisions taken now, could put us both in a whole heap of unnecessary trouble ... which I'm sure, like me, you would be keen to avoid.

I agree that we need to talk but I don't feel that now is the right time to do that. I suggest we allow a little more time to let the fog clear ... and get in contact at some point next week to arrange a time to discuss what would be the best outcome for us both.

Take care. KC. x

Her response ... .

Ok sure Kev.I'll be popping back for some bits before the wknd,let me know if you have a preference for when I pop by.

Just realised the rent is due tomorrow.I've done nothing about it,have you?x

My reply ...

"I have no objection to you popping to the house Em ... you've still got your keys I presume ... ?

I'll pay half the rent from my account today/this evening and we can discuss what is best going forward at some point next week. Have a good day ... it might not be appropriate but sending you a hug anyway.

Take care of yourself. x

Her response ... .SILENCE.

I noticed she'd been to the house when I got home from work ... but, again, she hadn't actually taken any more of her things/"bits" ... ?

[rotiroti]

I went a similar route that gameover posted - gave the ball to her court to end things. It does require work, but I can say it was a good way to end things. She apologized for her wrongs, I got to have my say, and we were on a weird friendly level until I went n/c.

It boils down to using effective communication and validating her emotions during the b/u.