He sees boundaries as demands?

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm baffled by this one, and hope it's not me doing something wrong. Right now, I feel like I have kicked puppy syndrome, and I second guess myself on way too much.

I told BPDh that I'd make the sloppy joes for him to take to his Dad's birthday party tomorrow, but I'd rather not go. I listed the reasons why: I recently found out BPDh had told a lot of lies about me to his family, his family prefers BPDh's ex who stabbed him repeatedly(talk about lack of boundaries and dysfunction), and I feel barely tolerated there. I'd rather not go, and feel I'm setting a boundary around how I want to feel and be treated.

I also told BPDh why I didn't go with him last night to his cousin's football party: My son(you know, they one BPDh refused to live with) was over visiting me and that's so important to me, I also know BPDh talked crap about me to these cousins, and BPDh has been threatening divorce all week and didn't want to be around me or spend any time with me, but what, wanted to "keep up appearances" by having me go?

I feel I've done enough things that make me feel bad, just so he can have what he wants. BPDh can't control how his family acts, but he sure as heck could at least validate why I feel left out. I know sure as anything he's learned that in DBT. In fact I think it's been the focus for a while now.

He told me that I'm making DEMANDS. How is setting a boundary around what I will and won't do, perceived as a demand? I'm just lost. I didn't tell him anything HE had to do, which could be perceived as a demand, I only told him what I would and would not do anymore.

I even reassured him I'll still be attending some of his family functions, but that I'm just feeling hurt right now. BPDh is demanding I get a job, because paying his Dad's bills is running US short. I do resent that, but I'm working on getting over it. So yeah, I don't feel like going and celebrating a bday of a man who squanders money, and his kids have to bail him out, and lets not forget he prefers the physical abuser ex wife over ME.

I feel like his family should be on the Jerry Springer show. Seriously, there was one classy person in the family, and BPDh's brother divorced her.

Am I wrong to set a boundary around going? His reactions make me feel like I'm going to be painted black if I don't go.

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[Cat Familiar]

You have every right to choose where you will go. He's losing control of you and he's trying to manipulate you. You've chosen him over yourself for so long, you've forgotten you have rights to your own happiness and peace of mind. Be prepared for things to get worse (extinction bursts) but if you back down now, you will show him that upping the demands will get you to fold.

[MaroonLiquid]

You have every right to choose where you will go. He's losing control of you and he's trying to manipulate you. You've chosen him over yourself for so long, you've forgotten you have rights to your own happiness and peace of mind. Be prepared for things to get worse (extinction bursts) but if you back down now, you will show him that upping the demands will get you to fold.

This is where I feel like I am with my wife CB.  She is trying to manipulate me through the "divorce" because I am now living my life without her in a lot of ways.