I need help

[Family in distre]

I think my wife is borderline, I wouldn't  be the best husband in the best of circumstances. But, I know I love my wife.

I need to know the best way to help her. She recently left for 17 days. Since she's returned home she's been taking pills and and seems so unhappy. This isn't like her, she go's from being really loving to downright mean. I'm dedicated to helping her and failure isn't an option. Where do I begin?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ptilda]

First of all, I'm sorry for the difficult time you're going through. You'll find a lot of support here.

Secondly, you might want to reevaluate the idea that "failure isn't an option." First, define "failure." You cannot force your wife. You can only change you and you are only responsible for you. There is a point all of us "nons" have to go through where we realize that an ended relationship is not a "failure," but we can be assured that we did the best WE could do and that the decision made by the other individual is their choice. I know that's difficult to say, but that comes from me sitting in a place of a pending divorce with a similar determination. I do not want to darken your determination, just to make you aware that you are only responsible for you.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine last night about her husband who has anger issues. The two of them trigger each other. He does something childish, and she points it out, which undermines him and makes him feel disrespected, at which point he feels justified pulling out all the stops to "disrespect her back" as viciously as he can. You said, "I wouldn't be the best husband in the best of circumstances." This is a harsh reflection on yourself. If it is honest, I congratulate you on your honesty and say that is maybe where you can start. Realize what YOU are doing and one step at a time, work to fix it. But if you are simply absorbing blame, realize the difference. There is so much you can do, and then at a point it's out of your hands.

Please go through the lessons here, and maybe pick up a book or two recommended here. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" was one of the better ones I read.

Basically, my advice is, "begin with you."

And visit here often. You'll find lots of encouragement in this place.