Bursted Dam of Anger Floods my weekend

[joeramabeme]

Seems that some people here have no problem being angry and others of us run from it, count me in the later camp.  I have had every intellectual rationalization that a well educated person can muster.

It's Labor Day weekend, I am out and about trying to be "normal" 1 month after she left and enjoy the holiday.  Holiday's always puts me around families, units of people that appear to be having fun that share the same DNA.  That is a trigger for me because I did not have it as a kid, don't have one today and always wanted it and particularly thought I would have it with my uBPD #!@ but never got there.  Which for what it is worth is a god send in and of itself cause it would have never been what I wanted it to be.

Came back to take a walk and shake off the candy-land family blues only to find myself having the utmost clarity about the last 10 years of marriage.  The wall of denial crashed and for the first time authoring a scathing letter that accurately defines what a sick b1tch my wife was to be with.  No more buying the candy-ass apple of what did I do wrong and how could I kiss you arse to make it all better and soothe your twisted and demented reality.  I really want to send this letter to her via my attorney and let her know that she is in for a miserable life and how the r/s demise was HER FAULT and that she will never be happy.

Now that she is pretending to be all enlightened and away from the source of her negativity, namely yours truly, I also need to throw in some ancient wisdom for her to chew her cud with; No matter how you paint a pig, it is still a pig.

Freedom to be ticked off!  Should be Independence Day!

Happy Labor Day!   

[valet]

Hey joe, I have a difficult time getting angry with people sometimes too, even when I think I should. I don't think it's positive or negative, simply just a good barometer for our learned distress tolerance.

The feelings will come eventually though, as you're probably noticing now. Anger is good, in moderation. It helps us detach, but too much of it can be a bad thing, especially when we let it control how we treat others.

I know that you say you really want to send the letter. My instincts say that it isn't a good idea, and that you probably already know this. File it away. It might help you come to better terms with yourself and the demise of the relationship at a later date.

Happy Labor Day!

[disorderedsociety]

Seems that some people here have no problem being angry and others of us run from it, count me in the later camp.  I have had every intellectual rationalization that a well educated person can muster.

It's Labor Day weekend, I am out and about trying to be "normal" 1 month after she left and enjoy the holiday.  Holiday's always puts me around families, units of people that appear to be having fun that share the same DNA.  That is a trigger for me because I did not have it as a kid, don't have one today and always wanted it and particularly thought I would have it with my uBPD #!@ but never got there.  Which for what it is worth is a god send in and of itself cause it would have never been what I wanted it to be.

Came back to take a walk and shake off the candy-land family blues only to find myself having the utmost clarity about the last 10 years of marriage.  The wall of denial crashed and for the first time authoring a scathing letter that accurately defines what a sick b1tch my wife was to be with.  No more buying the candy-ass apple of what did I do wrong and how could I kiss you arse to make it all better and soothe your twisted and demented reality.  I really want to send this letter to her via my attorney and let her know that she is in for a miserable life and how the r/s demise was HER FAULT and that she will never be happy.

Now that she is pretending to be all enlightened and away from the source of her negativity, namely yours truly, I also need to throw in some ancient wisdom for her to chew her cud with; No matter how you paint a pig, it is still a pig.

Freedom to be ticked off!  Should be Independence Day!

Happy Labor Day!  

Its funny that I had a similar experience earlier and posted, later to find someone else had gone through something similar.

I too contemplated writing a letter to my "petulant ___" ex but I realized that would be unwise, because firstly it feeds their ego and either makes them feel more worthless or makes them laugh. Then I realized that simply visualizing writing it is probably sufficient enough, as a letter is really just a manifestation of the anger. Now we really don't want to manifest (make reality) anything based out of anger. Just be present with your feelings and it will pass. Probably already has, yeah? But you'll likely feel the anger in waves. I find myself cursing about her and the "replacement" while I'm on my motorcycle. No one can hear me under the helmet.

Keep on keeping on,

ds

[HappyNihilist]

joe, I understand, I sometimes have a hard time getting angry at people even if it seems 'justifiable.' It took me a long time for me to really feel angry at my exBPDbf.

Anger is an important part of the grieving and detaching process. Yes, you do have the freedom to get angry - it's healthy! It becomes unhealthy when we stay stuck there and let it control us.

I think writing an angry letter is a great idea. It sounds very cathartic! 

I do not, however, think that actually sending it to her is a good idea.

My advice would be to write everything you want to write - and then just let it sit for a while. You can decide later whether or not to send it.

Your anger is important and healthy because it's about you. You are detaching, your perspective is changing. You are focused on your self-care and healing. If you send a letter off to her while in the grips of your anger, you are pulling her into your detachment process. You deserve the chance to feel and process through your feelings in a safe place without her involvement. You are doing this for You and for your wellbeing and best interests.

I find myself cursing about her and the "replacement" while I'm on my motorcycle. No one can hear me under the helmet.

This is a great idea.

As for myself, I've spent a few hours of my life stomping around in my bedroom and saying vile, hateful things to the walls.

Happy Labor Day joe, I hope you have a good holiday weekend! Keep writing out those thoughts and feelings. 

[SGraham]

joe, I understand, I sometimes have a hard time getting angry at people even if it seems 'justifiable.'

I think im the opposite, i tend to get overly irritated by the smallest things. I feel kinda bad because lately i find myself getting worked up over small things and getting mad at my loved ones. I mean my family and friends know im going through a rough time because of the relationship i was in, but it still feels bad.

[valet]

joe, I understand, I sometimes have a hard time getting angry at people even if it seems 'justifiable.'

I think im the opposite, i tend to get overly irritated by the smallest things. I feel kinda bad because lately i find myself getting worked up over small things and getting mad at my loved ones. I mean my family and friends know im going through a rough time because of the relationship i was in, but it still feels bad.

What would you say that your stress levels are? When I am stressed, I know that I easily overreact, even it is an obvious dramatization that I recognize.

The self-conscious dramatization that I am sensing could be an internal struggle to act upon the realization of a behavioral pattern in yourself that you've never thought of or noticed before.

Is there a real way around this? I don't know, but being aware of the system working could benefit you're preferred style of reacting to uncomfortable events. It could be a better form of coping by an intelligent increase of your ability to stand things.

[michel71]

Holiday weekends are hard because they are long. Weekends in my world have been hard enough let alone adding one extra day. Then you top that with a holiday that typically involves a union of happy family and friends when we, ourselves, are living in our personal hells. I got the invite for today for a huge party. I love all the people there and feel like they are family but I just can't bring myself to go. I am not in that happy space. And these people know me well and will see that I am not myself. Some may ask questions. Most don't know that I am at the early stages of divorce. I don't want to put myself through it. And that is okay.

It is also very okay to be angry about it all. It's healthy too. Embrace the feelings. Let it flow. Say profanities. Write angry letters. Punch the heck out of a punching bag. Cry. Scream. Some days will be better than others. I am going through a range of emotions myself. If I go with it, it will be okay. I can be kind to myself in whatever moment I happen to be in.

[SGraham]

joe, I understand, I sometimes have a hard time getting angry at people even if it seems 'justifiable.'

I think im the opposite, i tend to get overly irritated by the smallest things. I feel kinda bad because lately i find myself getting worked up over small things and getting mad at my loved ones. I mean my family and friends know im going through a rough time because of the relationship i was in, but it still feels bad.

What would you say that your stress levels are? When I am stressed, I know that I easily overreact, even it is an obvious dramatization that I recognize.

The self-conscious dramatization that I am sensing could be an internal struggle to act upon the realization of a behavioral pattern in yourself that you've never thought of or noticed before.

Is there a real way around this? I don't know, but being aware of the system working could benefit you're preferred style of reacting to uncomfortable events. It could be a better form of coping by an intelligent increase of your ability to stand things.

My stress levels are fairly low, its more that i am just generally more irritable. Oftentimes i can tell myself that my irritation is illogical and that helps stifle it. 

[joeramabeme]

Thanks all, my anger level has come back to a more subdued tone.  The lava still flows and this first eruption gives me the feeling that the volcano has been awakened.

As part of all this, I have a double dose of shame happening when I read my post and all the replies.  First for letting my anger show and second for feeling like I need to apologize to everyone for the same. 

Does anyone identify with the feeling of shame about anger? 

I am going to take a guess at the origin of my feeling.  I just finished reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline" and now know that I am a serial caretaker.  Definitely started with my Mother.  My need to be 'perfect' does not allow me to feel anger, as that is an imperfect display of who I should be (only in intimate r/s).  Don't know if Mother theory is accurate, but trying to unravel a part of the puzzle. 

Why did I let go of my anger when she treated me so badly and worst yet, cede my personal power to someone I knew was "not right".

Humble smiles

[Itsbeentoolong]

I get very angry sometimes especially when I  or my kids are the ones targeted for his rage du jour. One never knows what will send my stbeBPD into a rage. All I can do when I become the target is to quickly disengage from the person and take a time out. I've had so many time outs in my life with him. Of course, I get accused of never wanting to talk or resolve anything.  There can't be a resolution when I know that any input on my part will be invalidated.  To engage would be to open myself up to words that somehow damage me to my core.  I won't participate anymore. As the weeks and months go by in this state of pre-divorce detachment I'm getting stronger. I'm taking care of me and my life.  Not sure what my new life will be like, but most certainly know that it will be better to take all the energy I expended to maintain the facade of perfection in my marriage. Although not happy about the failure of my marriage, I know I am saving myself.

[michel71]

I get very angry sometimes especially when I  or my kids are the ones targeted for his rage du jour. One never knows what will send my stbeBPD into a rage. All I can do when I become the target is to quickly disengage from the person and take a time out. I've had so many time outs in my life with him. Of course, I get accused of never wanting to talk or resolve anything.  There can't be a resolution when I know that any input on my part will be invalidated.  To engage would be to open myself up to words that somehow damage me to my core.  I won't participate anymore. As the weeks and months go by in this state of pre-divorce detachment I'm getting stronger. I'm taking care of me and my life.  Not sure what my new life will be like, but most certainly know that it will be better to take all the energy I expended to maintain the facade of perfection in my marriage. Although not happy about the failure of my marriage, I know I am saving myself.

I am right with you there. Same thing going on in my house.