How could I have survived?

[MiserableDaughter]

I've been doing a lot of self analysis about my reasons for moving across the country etc. my brother sent me some old pictures of my parents probably a good 20 years ago... .And it made me sad to see my mom... .Because somewhere I remember her and I going shopping etc... .They were also the times when I defended her always. I was parentified but I loved her.  And it made me sad... .If only things were different. If only things weren't always about her. If only she didn't see anyone else in my life as competition for her. If only she respected my husband. If only she didn't try to compete with me over my child. If only she didn't rage and fake illness if I slightly disagreed... .If only if only... .If only my MS diagnosis woke her up. If only me being in a psych ward for a suicide attempt after her massive rage made her stop and think as opposed to saying I embarrassed her. If only my husbands heart attack made her think to pull back the stress she gave... .If only when I had my child, she mothered ME instead of trying to get him to love her more... .If only I was not so anxious around her all the time in fear that she'll rage or get upset about something. If only I didn't feel those verbal gut punches.

I wish things could have been different. I gave her too many chances and she failed every one of them... .At this point, after massive depression, anxiety and PTSD, my only choice at survival was going NC or moving far away... .My husband put me in the middle too... .In order to appease my parents I would do the fake holidays etc which would piss my husband off, and he would wonder why he even had to interact with them causing more issues. He'd want to confront and I'd say no because no point. It will only make the rage worse... Got worse when I had my son. I could learn to ignore my mom's comments but how could I avoid the feeling that I was handling my child over to the crazy people for their entertainment? They treat him like their personal play thing... .They claim they love him too much but they mom freaks if he doesn't come running to her... .If he clings to me instead of her it bothers her. They threaten to leave if he doesn't hug them. He's 3! I guess what my head keeps saying is what else could I have done? They never would and never have seen logic... .It's all about my mom. Always. It was either remaining paralyzed and just feeling like I was sacrificing my son over to keep the crazy woman who hurt me soo much and ruined so much of my life, somewhat happy, but yet always wanting more and more and more. It was sacrificing my own mental state even more. It was remaining paralyzed in my marriage because I couldn't go NC and my husband was triggered whenever he saw them. What could I have done? Except NC, which I just didn't have the capacity for... .This is what I saw as the best solution. Getting breathing room. Forced LC due to distance. Having time and distance to heal myself and my marriage. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish I didn't have to take their grandchild so far from them. But what could I have done? nC would have hurt them even more... .This seemed like the best in between solution... .I think... .My mind just keeps trying to validate myself... .

[GaGrl]

You are doing the best thing possible right now. Quit fighting it.  Fall into it.

[AloneAtLast]

Yes, you are trying to validate.  You are doing the typical thing that abused children do.  They will keep going back hoping it will be different.  

I hear the heartache and reluctant comprehension in your words.  Every word you type flowed easily from your fingertips, didn't it?  It flowed. I felt it with you.  I am so sorry munchkin.  I am.  

I think the Lord would be very proud of you for your patience but you have a family to save now.

I'll be watching for your posts.  Your words resonate with me.


Then Gagrl posted before I did.  Good advise. 

[AloneAtLast]

You know what I'd like to know?  I'd like to know if you found a house to move into out there?  Do you like it?  I am trying to imagine living there.  I went once.  They have great food.

What is the farthest west you have ever been? 

[MiserableDaughter]

Thank you... your words of "I'm so sorry munchkin," made me choke up. They sounded so genuine and ... .motherly... .the type of words my mother has never genuinely said to me. Every day I am struggling with knowing its the right thing to do, to feeling guilty, and to accepting that nothing can ever change with her... .and though my dad has shown signs of understanding, he is too enabling to ever stand up to her.

We haven't moved yet. We are trying this rent our current home out because we don't want to sell right now... I keep looking at cool townhouses and apartments online though! Funny right? I'm leaving a stunning 3,700 square foot home with a pool and Jacuzzi... .a dream house for many... .and yet I've never been able to make it feel like a home. I've always,been paralyzed on my roller coaster. Yet I can almost feel being able to fully breathe out there... m I've been to san Francisco five years ago and loved it... but multiple times to Seattle which I totally loved. I'm more excited to move into our new apartment than I was over my giant home!

[Kwamina]

Hi MD

Being the child of disordered parents isn't easy, having to deal with someone with BPD before you even know about BPD is quite challenging. How could you have survived? Probably because of your tremendous inner strength and resilience

I see a lot of 'what ifs' and also a 'what else' in your post. Things could have been different, it would have been a lot more pleasant if they were different, but unfortunately things were they they were. We cannot change that, as hard as this can be to accept. What we can change is how we deal with the present and how me move forward and in that department you are making some significant changes.

You are rightly making your own well-being your number one priority. It's clear that both your physical and mental health have suffered through all of this. The decision you are making is a big one so I definitely understand all these thoughts and feelings you are dealing with now.

Acceptance of our past and the reality that our parents have BPD and unfortunately might never change, is very hard for many of us here including myself:

Acceptance doesn't mean you approve; it doesn't mean you're happy about something; it doesn't mean you won't work to change the situation or your response to it, but it does mean that you acknowledge reality as it is--with all its sadness, humor, irony, and gifts--at a particular point in time... .~ Freda B. Friedman, Ph.D., LCSW, Surviving a Borderline Parent

We have an article here about reality acceptance skills, have you read it? I think it might help you deal with what you are going through, here's an excerpt:

It sounds easy. Well, probably doesn't sound easy, probably sounds hard.  It is hard. It's really hard.

All of us are still practicing this. This is not one of those things you're going to get perfect at.  There's not going to be a day when you can say, 'Alright, I've got it; I've got it.  I can radically accept. I turn the mind all the time and I'm willing.'  That day is not going to come.

This is the only set of skills that I teach that I would have to say just about everybody has to practice just about every day of their lives.

The way to practice these skills at the beginning when they're really hard is to find small things to practice them on first.  If you start trying to practice on the really big things, you're not going to be able to do it.   So find something small. Practice on that.

The willfulness, notice it.  You could start by counting it. Slowly try to replace it.

Radical acceptance, notice when you are not accepting. You could start with counting it.  Slowly try to replace it.

Turning the mind, write yourself a note. Put it somewhere in your house.  Put it on the refrigerator. All you have to write is 'Turn the Mind'.  Put it up.  Try to practice it. Practice it every time you open the refrigerator.

If you keep practicing these skills, they do get easier. It's really the truth - they do. You'll get better at it. Life will get easier.

... .

Now, I know that these are really difficult skills.  They, they've been difficult for me.  They are difficult for everybody I know.  And the facts of the matter are, every single person  I know is practicing these skills.

But I think if you practice them you'll find over time, may take a while, maybe slower than you want, but I think you're going to find them really helpful . The secret is, don't reject them right away. Don't reject them if you don't feel better right away or somehow your life isn't worth living right this minute.  These skills take time to work.  But, if you keep at it, I think they will work.

You can read the entire article here: From suffering to freedom: Practicing reality acceptance

[MiserableDaughter]

I spoke with my folks today. My mom again doing that horrific miserable death and depressing voice. The "poor us. We will be all alone " voice. Ugh they can't even TRY to sound decent. They have to pour on the FOG as much as possible.

[JohnnyShoes]

It is... what it is.

You didn't make them this way... .it wasn't your fault.

I wish they could just be able to HEAR us... and SEE us... .that way, we could have a conversation with them about our lives and what we feel...

But, unfortunately... .that won't happen.

They (your Mom

... my mom) cannot.

They cannot CANNOT accept that they have a problem.

What hurts me so much is mine would rather sacrifice MY life, throw ME under a bus... .than to even consider she has a problem. She absolutely refuses to see... .its as if that part o her brain doesn't work. The part that makes you FEEL for the other person (empathy). The part that allows you the ability to look at your OWN behavior - word or deed - but... .I've been waiting too long. I grieve because of what I could have become... .instead... .she chose me to be her lifelong ... .extension of HERself... .never allowing me to have a life of my own.

Love ya... because I KNOW the feeling.

You're a WAR hero.!

You survived and now you have a family of your own.Well done.

Keep living YOUR life!

It's sad.

[JohnnyShoes]

I spoke with my folks today. My mom again doing that horrific miserable death and depressing voice. The "poor us. We will be all alone " voice. Ugh they can't even TRY to sound decent. They have to pour on the FOG as much as possible.

Wow, my mother cried wolf too many damn times... .I *know* the death depressing voice... .

Like... .*I'M* the one killing her! Sheesh...

I HATED when she did that sht.

[GreenGlit]

The flow of your post is amazing -- very stream-of-consciousness... .also so many thoughts I've had. I feel you. I always tell myself "what if, what if" and it just breaks my heart because every time my mother chooses to continue in her misery, it seems like a slap in the face to me. Like I'm not worth the effort. I'm not worth the sacrifice. I'm not worth her putting her own needs aside.

I applaud you on trying to move. I know the guilt you feel. I don't have kids and am marrying in the next few weeks, so certainly I must be younger than you - but I similarly left my parents to go to school in another state, to pursue graduate school in another state, and now I'm marrying and living in another state. I know my mother takes it as a slight to her, and feels that I've "left" her. It hurts to feel that my choices make her feel abandoned and I have this instinctual impulse to appease her. But by now I know better. I've been burned too many times.

I remember the first time I heard Dr. Phil say "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." It really stuck with me. Every time I want to give my mom another chance I think of that phrase ... .because I know, deep down, as much as I wish this time will  be different, I know it won't be. I know she will die thinking I abandoned her. I know I will put her in the ground feeling sad that I couldn't make her happy. But also, deep down, I know it wasn't my fault. She made me endure so much pain as a child, burdened me with things no child should be burdened with - her happiness, her anger, my parent's marriage... .

Keep fighting for your happiness and your freedom, and of course your marriage. I have been following your posts, and I am rooting for you. Would love to hear updates.

[MiserableDaughter]

Thank you Green Glit,

I know the same. My mom will die thinking I abandoned her. I guess I have always wanted to break free. Just to know what it's like to breathe without being on her roller coaster. Over here, I could only do that with NC. And I dont want to do that... .So next best option... .Forced distance. I want to know who I am... .Because I don't. To the outside world, I am a successful happy 36 year old lawyer, mother, and wife. Internally, I am broken.I take on projects etc to give myself something to look forward to, but I feel like my life is stagnant, waiting for the next shoe to drop from my mom, and even sometimes, my husband. I just want to focus on my marriage and figure out whether it still has it's issues outside of my mom's roller coaster and constant interference etc. I want to know what I am capable of. I want to believe there is more to life than this and I want to test that. We are renting out our house instead of selling. Our current "plan" is to come back in two years since SF to expensive to live long term. Maybe I will learn to ignore my mom more. I dont know. But all I know is I need to change it up from now. I kind of have wanted a second kid but have felt terrified of having another near my mom... .Dealing wit the possessiveness with a new baby too. I dont know if I am doing the right or wrong thing. I do know, I am doing something different that had to be done to see what else is out there for me, besides the "oh thank god! Mom is in a GOOD mood today! My day can be good!" routine. It's sickening me. Physically and mentally... .