roughly 3 months no contact I decided to break it

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

As title says , for the past couple weeks my BPDex has been switching her profile from private to public for what reason? who knows but I began to see her profile start popping up on my news feed so I thought why not?... I probably should have waited until it went public again , (to avoid the rejection of her having the control of the option of declining it I suppose) but I just thought well perhaps I'd be waiting forever so I decided shoot her a request

I'm assuming alot of people are either looking for a wild story or something positive from the title but the response or lack of response was neutral. I sent a friend request through social media, she didn't accept or deny she has simply just let it sit there. A few of my friends sent her a request to see if she would accept them and she has rather quickly as well and has even posted a few pictures.

I hit a point where I feel I had "healed" to a safe point where it would be okay to attempt to reach out (from my point of view)

In any case would one consider this closure in a sense? Although she didn't decline... She has neither declined or accepted is she on the fence?

I know it seems really petty but these are the little "games" that seem to exist within her world.

I guess I'm just looking for some opinions of people who have dealt with some similar social media situations... I've seen GreenEyed recently posting about her social media encounters

Cheers.

[problemsolver]

As title says , for the past couple weeks my BPDex has been switching her profile from private to public for what reason? who knows but I began to see her profile start popping up on my news feed so I thought why not?... I probably should have waited until it went public again , (to avoid the rejection of her having the control of the option of declining it I suppose) but I just thought well perhaps I'd be waiting forever so I decided shoot her a request

I'm assuming alot of people are either looking for a wild story or something positive from the title but the response or lack of response was neutral. I sent a friend request through social media, she didn't accept or deny she has simply just let it sit there. A few of my friends sent her a request to see if she would accept them and she has rather quickly as well and has even posted a few pictures.

I hit a point where I feel I had "healed" to a safe point where it would be okay to attempt to reach out (from my point of view)

In any case would one consider this closure in a sense? Although she didn't decline... She has neither declined or accepted is she on the fence?

I know it seems really petty but these are the little "games" that seem to exist within her world.

I guess I'm just looking for some opinions of people who have dealt with some similar social media situations... I've seen GreenEyed recently posting about her social media encounters

Cheers.

[Pretty Woman]

All I know from past breakups with my ex is that FB is a game. They go public, private, block to gauge your emotions.

If she's not accepting your request let it go. Three months NC is not a lot of time. Are you sure you are over this? Why do you want to be a friend to someone who plays these games?

[SGraham]

Well hate to break it too you bud, but her not accepting or declining is probably a "bad sign" in the sense that she still probably has you painted black. I had a roughly similar experience as my ex started to discard me. We had a chat feed going on FB where we would share memes or other funny things we thought of during our day. It was fairly relaxed, there wasn't a rush to reply to the other person but we always got back to each other within the day. Then one day she kinda just dropped off the face of the earth. Days passed, nothing. My phone was acting up so this was our only mode of non face to face communication. The next time we hung out i found a way to bring it up without sounding prying, i think i said something along the lines of "oh yeah i saw this really funny thing and posted it did you get it? She said that she didnt because the internet at her house was down. I guess i didnt really think about it much but a few days later her friend said they had a massive tumblr conversation so thats when i knew something was up. Anyway, i hope that sheds some light on your predicament.

Hang in there man, i know how those little games can drive one crazy.

Best wishes,

SG

[Infern0]

Once you go white again they usually contact you, in some cases it can be ok to extend an olive branch, as you have done with the friends request but leave it at that.

At the end of the day when dealing with BPD if you are going to have any success at all you have to at least treat yourself with respect. Chasing after someone who treated you poorly isn't treating yourself with respect, this is why i never reach out to mine when she scarpers, she has to reach out to me and ask for me to come back into her life otherwise i'm gone for good.

[enlighten me]

Trying to fathom out behaviour on social media is hit and miss. We can interpret things to suit how we feel at the time whether its positive or negative. I have studied my exs fb behaviour for quite some time and there are patterns to it. I have been in a peculiar situation where mine didn't block me.

One thing I will say is don't jump to conclusions. Just because its all hearts and flowers on social media doesn't mean things are going well for them. Just because they reach out doesn't mean your painted white and inversely just because they don't doesn't mean your painted black.

Some pwBPD feel immense shame so can paint you white and never reach out because of it.

Others can reach out even though your painted black just to feed their black thoughts of you.

They are all different and our circumstances are different.

One thing I will say is that people who have a happy fulfilled life hardly go on social media. Make of that what you will.

[Loosestrife]

Trying to fathom out behaviour on social media is hit and miss. We can interpret things to suit how we feel at the time whether its positive or negative. I have studied my exs fb behaviour for quite some time and there are patterns to it. I have been in a peculiar situation where mine didn't block me.

One thing I will say is don't jump to conclusions. Just because its all hearts and flowers on social media doesn't mean things are going well for them. Just because they reach out doesn't mean your painted white and inversely just because they don't doesn't mean your painted black.

Some pwBPD feel immense shame so can paint you white and never reach out because of it.

Others can reach out even though your painted black just to feed their black thoughts of you.

They are all different and our circumstances are different.

One thing I will say is that people who have a happy fulfilled life hardly go on social media. Make of that what you will.

I think this is safe advice. If she ended the r/s it's your her to tell you she wants otherwise. If she doesn't tell you  then leave well alone. I know it's hard though.

[oor_wullie]

as others have said, it's easy to read way too much into what we see happening on social media. the bottom line is, there's no reason to assume that anything you're seeing there has anything to do with you.

maybe that's harsh, but its also freeing. when you choose to look, you're not really choosing. it's only been 3 months. in looking, checking her status, whatever, you're really acting on a compulsion to see what she's doing. and that's normal, because closure is generally non existent with BPDs. you can't get closure, so you are drawn to trying to find something out about her, anything, in the hopes that it will shed some light.

but it won't. there's nothing you can know from her social media. not least because everyone shows a somewhat false face on things like FB. but more than that, BPDs are skilled manipulators, and lie about everything, especially to themselves. what can you possibly ever really know about them, even talking to them directly. they don't even understand themselves.

part of NC is about getting back control of your own life, and feelings, and leaving the exBPD behind. NC is extreme because they are extreme. there's nothing you can ever really know about them, nothing useful you can glean from talking to them. you're black or white to them? fine. but what does that mean for yourself? you can't see yourself reflected in their eyes, because both black and white are fantasies. their fantasies.

as to what the on off thing with her profile actually means. well, remember, it might well be about something other than you. my BPD was deeply paranoid and anxious all the time. she saw problems and conspiracies where there were none. and she played games with and lied to EVERYONE she knew. maybe yours is similar? mine deleted her social media stuff many times, then started it up again. constantly changed profile pictures (red flag), added people from work as friends, posted sexy pictures of herself, then lamented the sad fact that people from work had seen the pictures. ridiculous behaviour.

right now, she has control over you though, because you sent the request. she can use that to fuel her own self-delusion about her control over you. savouring every moment of not accepting or denying your request. keeping you on the hook. and, i'm sorry to say, it will be pretty obvious to her why these other people you got to friend-request her did that. that's why she accepted them, to further play you.

never mind. this stuff is normal as we struggle with NC. it's not your fault that you're trying to get some semblance of control back. but this won't work for you. stay away from her social media. get your friends to unfriend her. withdraw your friend request if you still can. block her. do whatever you need to do.

with BPDs, it's always a rabbit hole. there's no bottom to it. once you start down, there's only darkness. there's only BPD at the end of all this. black or white makes no difference. it's all fantasy. don't get sucked in again. stay safe. stay NC.

[Yolanda123]

NC is hard to maintain sometimes, but as many have said before, nothing you will see on social media is gonna help you get closure or answers to your questions as to what she's thinking or what's really going on in her life. pwBPD are manipulators, they will reach out, directly or indirectly, just to test the waters, see if you're still available to any form of attachment. What good can it do to you? I have myself had a hard time maintaining total NC, in that I am still listening to my exBPDbf's messages and reading his texts, though I'm not answering. I realize it's only hurting me though, and bringing more confusion as they are sometimes nice, sometimes accusatory, sometimes delusional. Their emotions are so fleeting, one day they feel and think one thing, the next day it's something completely different. We get stuck living in their chaos even after the r/s is over. And that is what they want, to keep us thinking about them and not letting us going on with our life. Even though it's hard at times, it's really up to us to have the strength to not read, not look at social media and not give them this power over us.

[problemsolver]

as others have said, it's easy to read way too much into what we see happening on social media. the bottom line is, there's no reason to assume that anything you're seeing there has anything to do with you.

maybe that's harsh, but its also freeing. when you choose to look, you're not really choosing. it's only been 3 months. in looking, checking her status, whatever, you're really acting on a compulsion to see what she's doing. and that's normal, because closure is generally non existent with BPDs. you can't get closure, so you are drawn to trying to find something out about her, anything, in the hopes that it will shed some light.

but it won't. there's nothing you can know from her social media. not least because everyone shows a somewhat false face on things like FB. but more than that, BPDs are skilled manipulators, and lie about everything, especially to themselves. what can you possibly ever really know about them, even talking to them directly. they don't even understand themselves.

part of NC is about getting back control of your own life, and feelings, and leaving the exBPD behind. NC is extreme because they are extreme. there's nothing you can ever really know about them, nothing useful you can glean from talking to them. you're black or white to them? fine. but what does that mean for yourself? you can't see yourself reflected in their eyes, because both black and white are fantasies. their fantasies.

---- as to what the on off thing with her profile actually means. well, remember, it might well be about something other than you. my BPD was deeply paranoid and anxious all the time. she saw problems and conspiracies where there were none. and she played games with and lied to EVERYONE she knew. maybe yours is similar? mine deleted her social media stuff many times, then started it up again. constantly changed profile pictures (red flag), added people from work as friends, posted sexy pictures of herself, then lamented the sad fact that people from work had seen the pictures. ridiculous behaviour. ----

right now, she has control over you though, because you sent the request. she can use that to fuel her own self-delusion about her control over you. savouring every moment of not accepting or denying your request. keeping you on the hook. and, i'm sorry to say, it will be pretty obvious to her why these other people you got to friend-request her did that. that's why she accepted them, to further play you.

never mind. this stuff is normal as we struggle with NC. it's not your fault that you're trying to get some semblance of control back. but this won't work for you. stay away from her social media. get your friends to unfriend her. withdraw your friend request if you still can. block her. do whatever you need to do.

with BPDs, it's always a rabbit hole. there's no bottom to it. once you start down, there's only darkness. there's only BPD at the end of all this. black or white makes no difference. it's all fantasy. don't get sucked in again. stay safe. stay NC.

I agree that you can't assume every little controversial social media post is about you, as harsh as it does sound I realize not everything is about me. Perhaps it wasn't about me but It was definitely "safer" to send one when it was public as it would of went through ... .I believe within a day or so I will withdraw the request, I highlighted  a few things in your post that I was curious about - why do you believe the various changing profiles is a red flag because my BPDex does that aswell ... i'm also curious about what conspiracy's you may be speaking of?

By the way thank you for everyone that has posted

[problemsolver]

Trying to fathom out behaviour on social media is hit and miss. We can interpret things to suit how we feel at the time whether its positive or negative. I have studied my exs fb behaviour for quite some time and there are patterns to it. I have been in a peculiar situation where mine didn't block me.

One thing I will say is don't jump to conclusions. Just because its all hearts and flowers on social media doesn't mean things are going well for them. Just because they reach out doesn't mean your painted white and inversely just because they don't doesn't mean your painted black.

Some pwBPD feel immense shame so can paint you white and never reach out because of it.

Others can reach out even though your painted black just to feed their black thoughts of you.

They are all different and our circumstances are different.

One thing I will say is that people who have a happy fulfilled life hardly go on social media. Make of that what you will.

I agree with what you've said

Can you explain why they would feel shame - which leads to be painted white ? in your opinion

[SGraham]

Trying to fathom out behaviour on social media is hit and miss. We can interpret things to suit how we feel at the time whether its positive or negative. I have studied my exs fb behaviour for quite some time and there are patterns to it. I have been in a peculiar situation where mine didn't block me.

One thing I will say is don't jump to conclusions. Just because its all hearts and flowers on social media doesn't mean things are going well for them. Just because they reach out doesn't mean your painted white and inversely just because they don't doesn't mean your painted black.

Some pwBPD feel immense shame so can paint you white and never reach out because of it.

Others can reach out even though your painted black just to feed their black thoughts of you.

They are all different and our circumstances are different.

One thing I will say is that people who have a happy fulfilled life hardly go on social media. Make of that what you will.

I agree with what you've said

Can you explain why they would feel shame - which leads to be painted white ? in your opinion

I think enlighten me meant that you could be randomly painted white but never know because they may feel so guilty they never reach out to you.

[Invictus01]

Yeah, I broke my NC too about 3 months into it. All I wanted to hear her say was that she was sorry for how she ended things. I sent her a text saying that I loved her and I understand that she doesn't feel the same but until I am over her, there is no way I will be her friend. She waited for hours to reply, then hit me up with "I wish I felt the same but as of right now, I don't. I would absolutely love to have your friendship but I completely understand if it is all or nothing for you." No sorry, no remorse and it was obviously all my fault we couldn't be friends I went back to NC after that two text exchange.

[problemsolver]

Trying to fathom out behaviour on social media is hit and miss. We can interpret things to suit how we feel at the time whether its positive or negative. I have studied my exs fb behaviour for quite some time and there are patterns to it. I have been in a peculiar situation where mine didn't block me.

One thing I will say is don't jump to conclusions. Just because its all hearts and flowers on social media doesn't mean things are going well for them. Just because they reach out doesn't mean your painted white and inversely just because they don't doesn't mean your painted black.

Some pwBPD feel immense shame so can paint you white and never reach out because of it.

Others can reach out even though your painted black just to feed their black thoughts of you.

They are all different and our circumstances are different.

One thing I will say is that people who have a happy fulfilled life hardly go on social media. Make of that what you will.

I agree with what you've said

Can you explain why they would feel shame - which leads to be painted white ? in your opinion

I think enlighten me meant that you could be randomly painted white but never know because they may feel so guilty they never reach out to you.

Oh I see , do you believe the shame is based on the pain they may have caused you? My BPDex knew what she was doing to me at times/recognized her behavior... but perhaps she didn't know how to deal with feelings... I'm not justifying what she's done I'm just sayin.

[shatra]

Problemsolver wrote

for the past couple weeks my BPDex has been switching her profile from private to public for what reason? who knows but I began to see her profile start popping up on my news feed

====The fact that her profile is popping up on your facebook----wouldn't that indicate she has been looking at your profile?  (Unless you have been looking at hers).

   I too am wondering why if the non is painted white again, the BPD doesn't reach out (related to shame?)

[SGraham]

Trying to fathom out behaviour on social media is hit and miss. We can interpret things to suit how we feel at the time whether its positive or negative. I have studied my exs fb behaviour for quite some time and there are patterns to it. I have been in a peculiar situation where mine didn't block me.

One thing I will say is don't jump to conclusions. Just because its all hearts and flowers on social media doesn't mean things are going well for them. Just because they reach out doesn't mean your painted white and inversely just because they don't doesn't mean your painted black.

Some pwBPD feel immense shame so can paint you white and never reach out because of it.

Others can reach out even though your painted black just to feed their black thoughts of you.

They are all different and our circumstances are different.

One thing I will say is that people who have a happy fulfilled life hardly go on social media. Make of that what you will.

I agree with what you've said

Can you explain why they would feel shame - which leads to be painted white ? in your opinion

I think enlighten me meant that you could be randomly painted white but never know because they may feel so guilty they never reach out to you.

Oh I see , do you believe the shame is based on the pain they may have caused you? My BPDex knew what she was doing to me at times/recognized her behavior... but perhaps she didn't know how to deal with feelings... I'm not justifying what she's done I'm just sayin.

Yeah i think they do have some idea. I became a trigger for my ex so she started to discard me and i know she felt bad about it because if i didnt reach out she would have tried to end it by just never talking to me again.

[Brood]

If I deleted my exgfwBPD and she added me back, then I wouldn't accept or decline because just having the option would crush me... .I would probably accept after thinking about it for a week or two... .

Anyways I hope my insight was helpful in some way.

[problemsolver]

If I deleted my exgfwBPD and she added me back, then I wouldn't accept or decline because just having the option would crush me... .I would probably accept after thinking about it for a week or two... .

Anyways I hope my insight was helpful in some way.

Interesting insight , I guess time will tell.

[HappyNihilist]

In any case would one consider this closure in a sense? Although she didn't decline... She has neither declined or accepted is she on the fence?

I know it seems really petty but these are the little "games" that seem to exist within her world.

If you are still basing your sense of closure on the actions of someone who you know plays "games," then no, you have not found closure.

Even people who don't have BPD can have difficulty provided a sense of "closure" at the end of the relationship. pwBPD especially have difficulty with this, to say the least. Their tendency to engage in push/pull behavior also makes their current intentions hard to discern.

If you're looking for closure, it will have to come from within.

problemsolver, what is your definition of "closure"? What questions do you have that are unanswered?

[enlighten me]

Trying to fathom out behaviour on social media is hit and miss. We can interpret things to suit how we feel at the time whether its positive or negative. I have studied my exs fb behaviour for quite some time and there are patterns to it. I have been in a peculiar situation where mine didn't block me.

One thing I will say is don't jump to conclusions. Just because its all hearts and flowers on social media doesn't mean things are going well for them. Just because they reach out doesn't mean your painted white and inversely just because they don't doesn't mean your painted black.

Some pwBPD feel immense shame so can paint you white and never reach out because of it.

Others can reach out even though your painted black just to feed their black thoughts of you.

They are all different and our circumstances are different.

One thing I will say is that people who have a happy fulfilled life hardly go on social media. Make of that what you will.

I agree with what you've said

Can you explain why they would feel shame - which leads to be painted white ? in your opinion

People are never painted black forever. Eventually they paint you white. The shame is that they realise their part in it and this is what stops them reaching out to you even though you have been painted white again. My exgf cut and ran from all her relationships apart from two. I am one of only two people that has ever split up from her and I did it twice twenty years apart. Even though she dumped all these people she spoke of them a lot and reminisced about the good times. There was a fondness there. Im sure at the time they split they were painted black. She listed all their faults from alcoholic to abuser but still she had a fondness for them all.

[oor_wullie]

I agree that you can't assume every little controversial social media post is about you, as harsh as it does sound I realize not everything is about me. Perhaps it wasn't about me but It was definitely "safer" to send one when it was public as it would of went through ... .I believe within a day or so I will withdraw the request, I highlighted  a few things in your post that I was curious about - why do you believe the various changing profiles is a red flag because my BPDex does that aswell ... i'm also curious about what conspiracy's you may be speaking of?

By the way thank you for everyone that has posted

i'm sorry that sounded harsh. you're right that it is harsh, but i've found that it's really important to get things into perspective. i realised that looking for things she'd posted, and wondering if she'd been thinking about me at the time, was effectively breaking NC. i was allowing myself to be manipulated by her - in fact, i was SEEKING things that would cause me to manipulate myself. when we were together, i never stopped wondering what she was really thinking. i was on eggshells (that classic phrase) all the time, even when things were good. waiting for the explosion.

seeking her out on social media was one of the ways i was hooking myself. imagining that she was thinking about me was strengthening that behaviour and that dependency.

the thing about changing profile pics is, i believe, part of their need to be noticed and be the centre of attention. my ex really needed everyone in her social circle to think she was the coolest and most fabulous and most outrageous person they'd ever met. she loved to be talked about. she loved to change her profile pic to something sexy, or silly, and she loved it when people commented with how sexy she was, or how crazy/drunk she was the night that pic was taken, or whatever. when people stopped commenting, she'd want something new so that the comments would start again.

the conspiracies were usually something to do with some guy who said something negative or weird to her, or some odd comment that would be left on her FB stuff that she maybe took in a negative way. she wanted people to say that she was sexy in that picture, not insinuate that she was kind of slutty. being drunk was cool - she didn't want people to suggest or imply that actually she'd been a dick that night. she'd sometimes think that maybe some ex or other had put them up to it - it was always something that involved several people. she'd rarely take something at face value. it was always this big thing.

one time, when we were broken up, she saw me on the street a couple of times in the space of maybe a week. she decided i must have placed myself there deliberately somehow. for what reason i had supposedly done this, i will never know (she was never able to explain what my supposed motivation was). so, having decided i was in these places on purpose, she had to figure out how i'd done it, because i had to know where she'd be at that time. her solution was that i must have hacked into her work email and work calendar somehow. in her head, this was not just a theory, it was a fact. she told a work colleague (someone who could have arranged to have me fired) that this had happened - the way she told it, i HAD hacked her. it was a fact now.

it never once occurred to her that it was just a coincidence.

they make connections that aren't real, mostly in an attempt to excuse their sh*tty behaviour, or to rationalise their crazy reactions/assumptions.

another reason you can't ever have a relationship with them. no matter what you do, they'll believe what they need to believe.

[AnnaBlue917]

Fresh out of my relationship with my ex. We opted to be friends and now I guess you could say I am in the black because according to her I HURT her so much that she needs time to heal but she definitely wishes to be my friend someday in the future. She deleted herself on all of social media. I am sure that she will be back but under some other name that she has concocted. It has been a little shy of a month from a intimate relationship to a week of no contact even as friends. I can't even believe I fell for these mind games that she played on me. She was so good at projecting her mess onto me for a while I thought it was me who was really screwed up! She now has a new friend that she can blow through who by the way I contacted. According to her I was trying to sabotage the relationship between her and the woman who are JUST FRIENDS. I was acting like her family and trying to reach out to people that she was befriending only to sabotage the relationship because I didn't want her to have ANY friends. She even went on to say that I hacked her email accounts (3) that I am aware of although I am certain she has many. Even trying to convince her that I don't possess the capabilities to do that, it didn't matter because she was convinced that I had. She ended it with a text saying, I still want to be friends just not now but you have to promise to never contact anyone that I am friends with  or hack my email accounts again,,,ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I remained in denial for too long recognizing that I knew of NO ONE who acted like this and it just didn't make any sense. I haven't responded and I won't even though it's so hard because I find myself in my feelings and wishing I could connect with her even from a distance. WE ALL want closure. I think the closest thing to it is the TEXT'S that I received from her last which indicated EVERYTHING was ABOUT HER, HER PAIN, and her taking the time she needed before being my FRIEND AGAIN. I reviewed those texts again and again and it occurred to me,,,She never ONCE RESPONDED to what I had to say on those TEXT. It was as though I was talking and NO ONE was HEARING anything I had to say! AMAZING!

This gave me CLOSURE so to speak. I understand that this is what I had dealt with the ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP and this was one of the reasons I was so darn unhappy! I WAS NOT HEARD and MY FEELINGS WERE NEVER VALIDATED!  Oh yeah and I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE APOLOGIZING for the things that SHE did in order to reconnect with her! I CAN"T wait to HAVE THIS WOMAN OUT OF MY SYSTEM FOR GOOD! I HOPE SHE NEVER RESPONDS BACK TO ME wanting to reconnect on a FRIENDSHIP level and if she does I PRAY THAT I HAVE THE STRENGTH AND COURAGE to NOT RESPOND and to have MOVED COMPLETELY ON!

[shatra]

enlighten me wrote---

People are never painted black forever. Eventually they paint you white. The shame is that they realise their part in it and this is what stops them reaching out to you even though you have been painted white again. My exgf cut and ran from all her relationships apart from two.

---Yes, likely everyone is eventually painted white again.  Their shame could be a reason they don't reach out when they paint us white,,,I wonder ewhat other reasons there could be?

---I would tend to doubt that the ex cut and ran from all her other relations except 2... .it's possible, but it's more likely she tried to reach out to the others (push-pull) and they said no.  Or she dropped hints, texted, and they didn't respond?  They usually do put out feelers to an ex sooner or later.

[enlighten me]

Other reasons could be that they are in another relationship and still going through the honeymoon phased. They have enough supply not to need to go back to you.

Well according to her and its one of the few things I don't doubt she finished with everyone apart from me and one other. Of course this could be only the relationships she considered serious.

[shatra]

enlightn wrote---

Other reasons could be that they are in another relationship and still going through the honeymoon phased. They have enough supply not to need to go back to you.

---So the reasons they might not contact the ex after painting them white are:

----They feel the shame over how they treated you, so now they feel too ashamed to reach out

-----They are in another relationship in the honeymoon phase... .(but once it gets closer, or the other person dissapoints them, the BP is likely to contact the now-white ex)

    I would add as other possibilities:

----They fear the rejection if they reach out

----They crave but also fear committment, so instead of looking for a relationship with the ex, they settle for being with someone who is "safe" (can't really have a true relationship with)

---They compare the newly painted white ex with themselves (who they split as black at times)  and come up short, feeling too inferior

[enlighten me]

Hi Shatra

As I said before its just my opinion and there could be any number of reasons. All you mentioned are possible. It all comes down to the individual and the circumstances.

[problemsolver]

Other reasons could be that they are in another relationship and still going through the honeymoon phased. They have enough supply not to need to go back to you.

Well according to her and its one of the few things I don't doubt she finished with everyone apart from me and one other. Of course this could be only the relationships she considered serious.

it could  be any reason but I believe it could be that^^ or something along the lines of being in courting phase... just knowing that she can try and if not come back to you... .another thing that catches my mind is perhaps during the NC he or she has does something that perhaps would make you feel bad ... maybe sleeping with a few people or what ever but from my perspective. . If i were to ever have a conversation with my BPDex something about "what or who have you been doing" would come up and that would bring her alot of shame if she had to admit to me she had a 1 night stand or something. . Not that it is bad but based off the character she potrays to others she would feel TONS of shame... if it was any of what I mentioned as time flies by the blow of hearing something like she is in a new r/s or something like that would soften. . But if it's fresh and it's happening right now ... the request definitely has her second guessing or feeling shameful I'd think.

[problemsolver]

In any case would one consider this closure in a sense? Although she didn't decline... She has neither declined or accepted is she on the fence?

I know it seems really petty but these are the little "games" that seem to exist within her world.

If you are still basing your sense of closure on the actions of someone who you know plays "games," then no, you have not found closure.

Even people who don't have BPD can have difficulty provided a sense of "closure" at the end of the relationship. pwBPD especially have difficulty with this, to say the least. Their tendency to engage in push/pull behavior also makes their current intentions hard to discern.

If you're looking for closure, it will have to come from within.

problemsolver, what is your definition of "closure"? What questions do you have that are unanswered?

Well closure in my head is "I'm building a r/s with someone new... please leave me alone... " ... I could basically live with anything said attached with something half practical/logical. . The 2nd part of closure I would ask "was this inevitable(her ghosting disappearing act ... blocking and unblocking #s... obsessive behavior which essential literally just stopped one day on a dime). Does this happen with all love interests" something along those lines work for me... she also had alot of blocked #s I would ask who the heck are all those people?  And why must they all be blocked on your phone

[enlighten me]

Hi Problemsolver

Im afraid that in these cases its highly unlikely to get closure from them. We can only give ourselves it. I have so many unanswered questions and never got closure from either of my two exs. That said I do have some closure which Ive given myself. Ive accepted they are who they are and do what they do. Ive forgiven myself for getting involved with them. Ive told myself that Im a good person and deserve to be happy.

I realise that I don't need them to confess their wrongs and beg my forgiveness.

[nonbpdis-m]

If you have gone 3 months with NC and have started to see the relationship with a BPD for all its toxicity, why jump back into the fire? I can speak from experience and I am now back in the tornado.  Please learn from my mistake, accept the lack of response and move on with your life.  In time you will be in a healthy relationship and wonder why you were pining for this one (probably due to guilt and co-dependence).  Particularly if you do not have children together, I advise you strongly to just let it go.

[problemsolver]

If you have gone 3 months with NC and have started to see the relationship with a BPD for all its toxicity, why jump back into the fire? I can speak from experience and I am now back in the tornado.  Please learn from my mistake, accept the lack of response and move on with your life.  In time you will be in a healthy relationship and wonder why you were pining for this one (probably due to guilt and co-dependence).  Particularly if you do not have children together, I advise you strongly to just let it go.

Well msg sent loud and clear... I'll call it closure request declined.