How common is it for nons of pwBPD to have affairs?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I tried to do board search but didn't get any hits.

Not a judging question.  I know this is controversial.  I would imagine that it happens but can find nothing mentioned on boards.  Anyone seen any writings about the nons and EA or PA?  Or would anyone care to share their own thoughts on the subject? 

[Wall bike]

I tried to do board search but didn't get any hits.

Not a judging question.  I know this is controversial.  I would imagine that it happens but can find nothing mentioned on boards.  Anyone seen any writings about the nons and EA or PA?  Or would anyone care to share their own thoughts on the subject? 

[AsGoodAsItGets]

No, hardly, or if so during a breck, most times can tell you, she that i was, but she also thought i was sleepong with my sister, crazy right.  It was all in her head.  Part of her disoreder.

[LonelyChild]

I tried to do board search but didn't get any hits.

Not a judging question.  I know this is controversial.  I would imagine that it happens but can find nothing mentioned on boards.  Anyone seen any writings about the nons and EA or PA?  Or would anyone care to share their own thoughts on the subject? 

I was unfaithful to mine once about 1,5 years into the r/s. It was the dumbest thing I've ever done, because I admitted it the day after, and she had been accusing me all through-out the r/s. She used it to kill me emotionally, blackmail me into giving her money etc. She also used it to put more focus than ever on how horrible a person I am, she would never do it, etc. She went ahead and told everyone what a piece of ___ I was and told everyone in detail what I had done (since I had told her to be honest). Even her parents.

Later I found out she had been unfaithful with AT LEAST 12 guys. I asked her why she didn't use the time I was unfaithful to come out and be honest, tell me her story and put an end to it. Instead she continued and kept lying about it. She never told anyone about that. At ALL.

So I regret what I did to her. But I also know that the reason was that she gave me NO positive reinforcment whatsoever, she only attacked me, telling me I was ugly, my ___ was too small, hitting me, trying to strangle me. No matter how many dinners I took her out to, or what I did for her, it wasn't good enough. You know the deal. I was immature and should have just ended it right there rather than being unfaithful.

The bottom line is: it pretty much doesn't matter what you do, they will be the same crap anyway. Not because they want to, but because they can't be anything better.

You're welcome to ask me anything you want to know.

[FannyB]

Hi Saturated

This is a very interesting question which has less to do with morality and more to do with flagging self-esteem. If I was in a LTR with a pwBPD and didn't exit once the acting out behaviours reached an unacceptable level, then I know I would be a prime candidate to have an affair. When you are being emotionally ground down on a daily basis then our own survival instincts would kick in - and anyone offering the validation and affection we were lacking in our primary relationship would likely appear a very attractive option!

However, this supposes the non would have the time and the emotional energy for the affair; that after time spent in the LTR they would still appear attractive to an 'outsider'; that they still retained enough self-worth to consider themselves 'lovable'. 

I think that there is also a pretty significant chance that any affair partner would also be 'borderline'. Can you imagine how attractive being idealized would seem after being devalued continuously by your long term partner? 


Fanny

[letmeout]

I have noticed that even if you have never had an affair, BPD partners always accuse you of cheating. Mine was convinced I slept with every man in town during our marriage, but in actuality I never slept with anyone but him.

After we divorced I found out that he had been cheating throughout our entire marriage. BPD's not only project their guilt but they manage to convince themselves that we must cheat too since they do it.

Such an odd way of thinking... .

[Greenleaf23]

I thought being involved with someone new would help me get the BPD out of my life. It was insane and self destructive. The affair person was controlling and freaked out when I returned to my BPD so. It showed me that my BPD ex just wanted to control me. However, I felt more controlled by the affair person. They left when I would not follow orders. I know I will need to fully recover before even thinking of dating.

[LonelyChild]

However, this supposes the non would have the time and the emotional energy for the affair; that after time spent in the LTR they would still appear attractive to an 'outsider'; that they still retained enough self-worth to consider themselves 'lovable'. 

It's funny you say this, because I cheated when I was on a vacation to get my energy back, because my uBPDxgf was pretty much killing me with all accusations, hatred, etc. So yes, spot on. What I did was absolutely not ok, but I did EVERYTHING in my power to meet my then gfs demands (which included giving her $3000, calling her mom and admitting everything, etc). Yes, I was that broken down, I didn't know what I was doing. I've forgiven myself, I think. I've forgiven her as well. She can't do any better no matter how much she wants to.

[Mr Hollande]

After I'd been made aware of two (there were obviously more) of her dalliances (the second became my replacement) I decided I had at least one in the bank so I helped myself to some so called forbidden fruit. A good female friend who I'd always had a sexual vibe with but never acted on. We had a great time together and ended it after a few meetings. When my ex heard about it (I told her) it was the worst thing in the world. All her scr£wing around was OK because that was my fault, of course.

I have no regrets and I'm glad me and the friend got it on before she met her now husband and became a mother. I am also glad I got in at least one broadside on my BPDex before she departed.

[JQ]

Saturated,

My on again off again exBPDgf has been married twice before and the last one she divorced him about 3 years ago. She had told me that he "the NON" had more then one affair before the divorce. Never really told me details about anyone of them ... .but she did tell me that they hadn't had sex in quite some time ... .if memory serves me ... .about 2-3 years. He was 5 years her junior ... .she admitted to be very depressed at the time and he spent more and more time away from the house ... .then once she caught him in the last affair he and admitted to having more.

Now how much is actually true ... .how much isn't ... .how much is made up in her mind ... .it's hard to tell. I think with every lie there is some truth ... .but the lines here are so fuzzy.

JQ

[Yolanda123]

I never cheated on my exBPDbf, but he thought I was flirting and sleeping with any man I encountered. I did not know about BPD for most of the r/s, so could not understand why he thought that about me. Now I realize it had nothing to do with me and must have been projection. Funny too how almost all of his exes had been cheating on him... .in his head for sure.

[Wall bike]

Accusations by pwBPD seem common.  I am asking about real extramarital relations.

Did you tell pwBPD?  How did they handle it?

[Surg_Bear]

I thought I should chime in here.

Married x 25 yrs. I have never been "unfaithful" and have never had an affair.

Because affection in my marriage stopped completely, and sex became less and less frequent in my marriage- to the tune of once a year the last 3-5 yrs; I have thought about it.  I've thought about this long and hard.

My Psychiatrist actually gave me a prescription to do it.  He felt that I was doing well enough dealing with the BPD sht and that my biggest gripe was trying to reconcile being in a forced celibacy situation, so why not at least try to get my needs met outside of the marriage?  On an intellectual level, I totally agreed.  Why not?  the sexlessness was not my direct choice.  I wanted no part in it.  She refused to even discuss sex, so trying to "reason" with her was out of the question.  I have no outlet, or way to sublimate this basic need, except by myself.  I've been doing that all my life, and while this takes the edge off, it is in no way a card for card equivalent trade-off.

So, I had permission from my shrink. 

I could understand and accept the reasons this might be a good idea.

My work involves getting called out, or staying out all night, so I have a GREAT cover.  "Sorry, I had 3 kids come in with appendicitis last night.  Couldn't make it home, dear."

I know that I could easily find someone, or ten, who would be willing to help me out.

Why NOT do it?

I couldn't.  I couldn't reconcile the guilt.  My values around marriage are pretty explicit when it comes to fidelity.  I know that she wasn't living up to her end of the agreement (to have and to hold), but that's because of her sickness.  She would want me to be sexually satisfied, if it were possible for her to want this.  She cannot see past her BPD to care about my needs.  I also must confess that although she never physically harmed me, I still fear for my safety during one of her blessed (or should I say, possessed) rages.  If I were to be found out, I would worry about being the next victim of genital mutilation or some other twisted BPD violent manifestation.

So, I've decided to end my marriage instead.

I'm not having an affair.  I'm having a divorce.

Screw her and her celibate lifestyle.  I'm sure she'll suddenly re-discover her sexuality when the reality finally hits- she is alone, and I'm not around to pay her bills, give her cash for whatever she wants, take care of her emotional baggage, and be her doormat.  She'll be awfully lonely and financially broke.  I'm quite certain that her vagina will suddenly spring into action to find another victim to mirror.  Good luck to him, and all of his hopeful glory.

I'm out of this no-win situation.

An affair is just too dangerous, and too much a compromise of my values.

My shrink agrees with my current approach even more.

Good luck to everyone considering this as a solution.  This is a hard decision, over which I have spent countless hours suffering.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[Notwendy]

My answer is no ,too.

Why, because my behavior is about me, not anyone else. If I violate my own ethics, then I suffer.

Doing something that I personally consider to be wrong because of someone else, anyone else, is not being responsible for my own behavior. As an adult, I am the only one responsible for my behavior.

And, if I were to cheat, then it would still be me making that decision, not anyone else, and I would have to face the consequences of that, no matter what.

Another reason not to is that cheating to escape or solve a problem in the marriage doesn't work. IMHO, it would be avoiding the problem and could even make it worse.

I chose to stay married, and so am committed to making it better not worse.

I've seen some of my friends' marriages impacted by cheating, and from the outside it seems to me to be that cheating says more about the cheater than the one cheated on.

I don't think it is about willpower, I think I would really feel as if I have let myself down, and I really don't want to do that to myself.

I also don't try to judge anyone else. People are not perfect.  This is just about me. I have a couple of friends who have moved on from affairs and stayed together with remarkable healing, forgiveness, growth  and maturity. It has taken courage and dedication to personal growth.  I just hope to not have to do this in the first place.