Intro post - uBPD Mother

[HeartatPeace]

Hello!  I am grateful to have found this site, it is a blessing!

My mother is a uBPD/NPD.  I have been NC since end of May 2015, at the advice of my therapist.  Since going NC, sanity is in my life.  FOG occurs now and then.  Fortunately DH (Dear Hubby) and I talk it out and it lifts.

My growing up family consisted of Mom, older sister, me, and variations on a husband.  The disease was always present, we just didn't know it was a disease.  We thought it was normal.  Sister always tried to manage Mom's feelings and moods, as is her duty as the GC.  As for me, well, I'm the rabble rouser, teller of truths, reactionary, SG of the bunch.

At 9 years old, parents divorced.  Remarriage was quick, and he was a doozy.  Strict, militaristic.  Ran the home like an army barracks.  Treated me like a delinquent that needed a hard hand.  I was yelled at, humiliated, made to do ridiculous things - like right out by hand the entire preamble to the Constitution, just because I got a low grade on a history test.  The worst was the beatings.  Can't even call them spankings.  Large wooden paddle, leather belt. Quite often it would leave welts across the back of my legs.  This was during the 70's, so didn't get involved in others lives.  There was no help for me.  Mother didn't stop it.  The after beating lecture on how I deserved the punishment was just the icing on the humiliation.  There was an instance of molestation as well.  Divorce occurred when I was 18.

My 20/30/40 years was difficult.  Depression set in, I had difficulty functioning in jobs.  Got married, recreated arguments in the style to which I was accustomed.  Eventually went in to therapy, benefited from EMDR.  It helped the PTSD tremendously.  Still had difficulties, but didn't know why.

Flash forward to present.  Mom's 3rd husband, controlling/militaristic what a surprise.  Only now, I'm sick of being treated with disrespect.  Tired of being a doormat.  Tired of being told to quit reacting, that's it's just me/in my head, blah blah. There are confrontations between us, and they are ugly.   Sitting in the barn one day, talking with my friend, one of whom is a psychologist.  Telling her about the latest drama.  Well guess what?  Mom is most likely uBPD/NPD. 

Now I understand why the shifting moods, screaming, throwing behavior. Eggshells.  Blaming us kids for things we had no control over.  Why I react to her and her husband, how it triangulates.  How my whole life has been about her and her needs.  Formal time with a therapist has helped me to let go of a lot of anger, disappointment.  Healing PTSD.

Since going NC, my older sister is in contact with Mom.  I stayed NC, even when her current husband was diagnosed with cancer.  Sister isn't thrilled with me, but says she supports my decision.  Says she asked Mom why she let her husbands treat us the way they did.  Her reply - "It was just easier to let them do what they wanted". 

I am so very fortunate that my husband is willing to work through this with me.  I believe he was my reward for surviving such an unfortunate childhood!

[Kwamina]

Hi HeartatPeace and welcome to bpdfamily

You've been through a lot. Healing from such difficult experiences can be quite challenging. I am very glad you've already been able to do a lot of healing though. To the right of this message board we have the Survivors' Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse. The guide takes you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages: Remembering --> Mourning --> Healing. I suggest you also take a look at it.

Dealing with a BPD parent isn't easy. To protect your own well-being, setting and defending/enforcing firm boundaries is very important. In your case you also went NC to protect yourself. Is this the first time you've gone NC?

I am glad you are feeling better now. It's great that you have a solid support network in the form of a therapist and your husband

Says she asked Mom why she let her husbands treat us the way they did.  Her reply - "It was just easier to let them do what they wanted".  

This is a brutally honest yet shockingly painful reply of your mother  When she said this to your sister, did she express any remorse for not doing more to protect the two of you? Did she in any way acknowledge that she was wrong to allow the abuse to take place?

[HeartatPeace]

Hi Kwamina, Thank you for your kind words. 

This is the first time I've been NC.  Low contact was never an option, so I gave an illusion of closeness, which was very wearing.   

I don't know what was said further after her statement about her husbands.  In the past we have discussed some things, and she states she didn't think things were that bad. 

What is sad is that Mom has many good qualities too.  We weren't neglected in the material sense, we always had food, shelter, clothing.  We had fun together too.  We were taught right from wrong.  It's hard to reconcile the nice side to the nasty side, it's like a different person. 

However, I know that NC is the right move.  Since going NC, the noise/constant running criticism in my head has died down.  I'm more patient, less emotional.  Working on Co-Dependent issues.  Exercising, and working on expanding horizons to all the things I've wanted to do, but never thought I could.  I can.

[Kwamina]

What is sad is that Mom has many good qualities too.  We weren't neglected in the material sense, we always had food, shelter, clothing.  We had fun together too.  We were taught right from wrong.  It's hard to reconcile the nice side to the nasty side, it's like a different person.  

This is sad indeed. What might help you understand how she can have two such opposing sides is, under the assumption she has uBPD/NPD, your mother's mind is wired differently from non-disordered people. As a result she might behave in a way that seems mind-boggling from a rational point of view, yet still might make perfect sense coming from her distorted point of view.

I'm more patient, less emotional.  Working on Co-Dependent issues.  Exercising, and working on expanding horizons to all the things I've wanted to do, but never thought I could.  I can.

I'm glad you've been able to work on yourself and are doing better now. It seems your life, mind and heart are opening to a whole new world of opportunities