Point of no return?

[Samuel S.]

Like all of you nonBPDs, we take a lot of S***, trying to work with our BPDs, trying to understand them, learning from this website, and gaining support from one another. It seems like an upward battle in many ways.

In my circumstances, my BPDw made it a point during the last 9 years or so in order to make it miserable around here due to how awful she has felt. The brainwashing and the manipulation have been intense, and she now has changed. She focuses on her school studies and on her work almost exclusively, except for today when we brought her D18 and all of her belongings to a new apartment for new year in college. Then, we actually had lunch together out in a restaurant for the first time in ages. My BPDw did a lot of work for this move, and so did I. The 3 of us thanked one another a lot, because it was a big move. It seems as though my BPDw is trying to make up for what she has done in the past.

I appreciate the gratitude by the both of them, but there is an emptiness I feel. It rings hollow to me due to the constant emotional rollercoaster she has put me through. Thus, it is hard to trust her, if this gratitude is genuine and everlasting. Yeah, it is PTSD.

The reason for the title of this post of "point of no return?" is because wtih all the brainwashing and with all of the manipulation she has done, she has convinced me about how I should feel by me not really trusting too much about myself in so many ways personally. Professionally, I have felt good, but she is starting to wear me down.

It seems as though my BPDw has decided to take a new leaf seeing that I have a medical condition of severe pain in my right knee and asks me about how I feel and that I need to be careful here and there. That seems genuine to me, but there is a major part of me that is at a point of no return due to her convincing me about her superiority and her holier than thou attitude.

Sure, I work out, go to movies, visit with friends and relatives, teach, tutor, and write books; yet, I feel rather weakened by her verbal abuse after all of this time, even though she has not been verbally abusive for less than a year now.

I have been seeing a T, and she must report any kind of abuse that may be going on at the time, but not of the past. She has asked me why I stay, and I respond about being hopeful, but I am also weak.

I just wonder if there are many of you that feel the same way. Granted, our circumstances are different, but the BPD's toxicity is the same. If you have felt the same way, what have you done to shake such toxicity in your life? Right now, I feel I am at a point of no return.

[LivingWBPDWife]

This treatment is EXACTLY my wife, and how our 6 years has been. But, I am an idiot and let her talk me into a baby. Now, I refuse to let her wreck this child's life. But, that said, if we didn't have the baby I would divorce her over the weekend and kick her out.

As far as I can tell, BPDs in their denial state can't love anyone, maybe their parents, I don't know -- but another person -- doubtful, "love" has many definitions, but make a list of what your BPD does each day to you, does it seem like "love" in any way shape or form?

NO.

So, brother, I would be out of there if you can at all --

[empathic]

Yes, similary story here. The verbal abuse has stopped here also, mostly due to me moving out for one night before summer. PTSD and feelings of emptiness sure makes it hard for me to go back to having feelings of love for her again.

Just this morning she asked me if I "have made my mind up yet". How does one respond to that? I asked her back how she feels about things and she said she feels loneliness and anxiety.

IMO, she's gotten a lot better at doing things on her own after I've detached. I also notice very strongly that the more space there is between us, the more she tries to close it. After all this time I've learnt that being enmeshed is not a good place for me to be.

I think I'm still in a form of build-up phase to make myself feel strong again. Hard to make drastic changes at the same time.

[OnceConfused]

Samuel:

It is very hard to determine the point of no return because of our attachment.

I can share with you my personal revelation and perhaps the changing point in my life, was when my 1st wife got killed suddenly in a car accident at the age of 49. Her death woke me up from my dull life. I then realized my own MORTALITY, so I asked myself , WHAT IS THE MEANING OF MY LIFE? WHY AM I HERE ON EARTH?

Then 1 year later, I got involved w xbpgf and the experience along with those questions TRANSFORMED my life. I am much happier now, why? Because I am now living for my own purposes, not others. If others want to join me on my journey, I would welcome them but I would not LET them pull me off my life purposes. I am determined that others wants a different purposes then they are welcome to be on their OWN journey, not jointly with mine. I bring love and peace to others but I refuse to let them bring hatred and wars onto my turf. I ignore them and let them go.

What are my life purposes? In order to live fully, happily and peacefully, I want harmony. If I can live fully, happily and peacefully then I can give fulfilment, happiness and peace to others around me (what do you get when you squeeze an orange, --- Orange juice , not lime juice). This means one can not give what one does not have. If your wife does not feel happiness and love, then she cannot give happiness and love.

If you have those fundamental questions (purposes of life) then you can surely determine your path. If you are not happy BEING W YOUR WIFE, then why waste your time and her time being together? You could die tomorrow, and you really don't want to have regrets of your death bed.

Wayne Dyer said it well : Don't die with the music still is in you.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Samuel, you raise a very good question. My wife has put me through a similar trial over the years we have been married and it's during her big outbursts that I have gotten closest to the point of no return. Notice I say close to, though, because I still haven't reached it. Like OnceConfused says, life is meant to be lived fully, happily, and peacefully. But what does that mean in our present context? I am only happy if I make myself that way - if I'm not happy now will leaving my wife make me so? What do I want to live fully? My current life with all of its complexities and convolutions from my relationship is filled and interesting.  , will separating from my wife give me more fullness, or will it just be different?

For me, I may reach the point of no return in my relationship when I stop learning from it. Like it or not, my wife and her behavior are one of the best teachers I've had for learning about myself. So far every time she dips into the crazy I find I'm learning something new and uncomfortable about myself, something I buried a long time back and hoped would go away.

My relationship made me feel bad for a long time because of my wife's emotional abuse. I was unhappy because I made her rants real. I almost embraced the emotional flensing because it gave me proof of what I thought about myself. But one day I decided that the words were just words, just because somebody says them doesn't make them true. I made it real, and I can make it unreal by understanding its source. I've become stronger because I dealt with this myself, and my wife was my guide to do it.

Life is meant to be lived fully, happily, and peacefully. I mean to learn how to do that every day. If and when I find that point of no return it will be my decision and not forced upon me by someone else.