Detaching and numb

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

      It's been quite a while since I've been on here... .after the first 6 wonderful months of our relationship, I had to leave town for two weeks for work, and when I got home, all sorts of rumors and gossip were circling, and my ex was obviously not ok. She ended up being involuntarily committed for 72 hours, and disappeared for 5 days afterwards. She showed up at my door, soaked to the bone and terrified. I took her in, gave her a place to stay and clean clothes, and basically supported her 24/7 for 3 months, because of what I suspected had happened to her. I lost weight, began smoking again, and almost lost my job because of the stress. There was never any closure as to what happened. I moved her out after 5 months after she hit me during a rage. We continued talking after she moved back in with her parents; we never broke up, but gave each other space during the period.

   We began working through the relationship issues, and entered counseling together (again) about a year ago, after a particularly bad downturn in the relationship. The counselor called me one day, and we spoke for over 3 hours while she tried to convince me to come in. (I was hesitant because we had tried counseling before, and it failed. A previous counselor that I had seen alone had diagnosed BPD after 15 minutes and advised me to run.) I finally relented, and joined them. Due to the lack of closure of the previous episode, I never fully let her in; the counselor finally advised me that my ex had been drugged with a mixture of ghb and ecstasy and assaulted. I never fully bought the story, because things just didn't add up. We continued in counseling for quite a while, but things still didn't feel right. We seemed to be making a lot of progress, but there was still this huge splinter of doubt in my mind. The counselor tried everything to get it out, but there was never anything concrete to make me believe I could fully trust my ex again. It got to the point where the counselor and my ex were both pressuring me to let her in, to trust her again as I had before. I never could, but I came terrifyingly close.

      I phrase it that way because I almost isolated yet another friend and almost turned over all of my phone and passwords to her (though she would never consider doing that for me in return). I recently had to leave for work again, and was gone for 24 days. My ex had been calling and texting me to let me know how much she missed me and loved me, an couldn't wait to cuddle on the couch. A few days before I was to come home, she suddenly became very distant, and either wouldn't answer her phone or would claim a headache and hang up, although she would still tell me she loved me. The night I got home, she wasn't at the airport to pick me up (which was all she had been able to talk about), and I had to call a buddy for a ride home. After I got home, I went to her place to surprise her (which she had asked me to do previously). Her car wasn't in the parking lot, and no lights were on. I called her, and she told me that she and a girlfriend were staying at her place and were getting ready to go to bed. I repeated that back, and she said yes. I asked her if she had a second to come downstairs because I was home and couldn't wait to see her. She hung up on me. I never heard from her that night. The next day, after conferring with our counselor, I stopped by to make sure she was safe. She was leaving with a girlfriend, and looked right through me like I wasn't even there. All she said was "we're busy, I'll talk to you later." About an hour later, she broke up with me via text. Shortly after, she completely removed all signs of our relationship from social media, and completely blocked me from her life. Bewildered and hurt, I asked her two best friends about what was going on, and they both told me that they weren't getting in the middle of it, and that I should talk to her. I spent a week agonizing over what I could have done or what could have happened. Saturday night during a ball game at a friend's house, I discovered that not only had she been posting pictures of she and another guy on a date, she was already listed as in a relationship with him... .barely a week after she refused to break up with me in any form but text.  A quick search revealed an extensive arrest record involving domestic assault, battery, and charges involving minors. I contacted her family and best friends to express my concerns for her safety. I discovered that she has completely severed ties with her entire family except her biological father and her grandparents, who provide her with money.

Shortly after talking to her grandparents (who were more concerned with my contacting them than her situation), I began getting threatening texts from the replacement. I have no fears about my safety, but I am absolutely devastated and angry that after everything we went through together, everything we fought through together, and everything I did for her... .I wasn't even worth looking in the eye when she left.

I ignored the red flags because I just couldn't believe that someone like her could really be BPD.

At present, she is dead to me. I miss her, but I realize that it will never work, and will only get worse. She hit a hard boundary with me with the lies, and then nuked all bridges between us when I discovered my replacement.

I am doing a hard self-inventory, and am continuing counseling to heal. At present, I love her, I miss her, and I care about her, but I cannot and will not let her near me again. I'm just concerned that she is going to test my will on that.  

[fft524]

      It's been quite a while since I've been on here... .after the first 6 wonderful months of our relationship, I had to leave town for two weeks for work, and when I got home, all sorts of rumors and gossip were circling, and my ex was obviously not ok. She ended up being involuntarily committed for 72 hours, and disappeared for 5 days afterwards. She showed up at my door, soaked to the bone and terrified. I took her in, gave her a place to stay and clean clothes, and basically supported her 24/7 for 3 months, because of what I suspected had happened to her. I lost weight, began smoking again, and almost lost my job because of the stress. There was never any closure as to what happened. I moved her out after 5 months after she hit me during a rage. We continued talking after she moved back in with her parents; we never broke up, but gave each other space during the period.

   We began working through the relationship issues, and entered counseling together (again) about a year ago, after a particularly bad downturn in the relationship. The counselor called me one day, and we spoke for over 3 hours while she tried to convince me to come in. (I was hesitant because we had tried counseling before, and it failed. A previous counselor that I had seen alone had diagnosed BPD after 15 minutes and advised me to run.) I finally relented, and joined them. Due to the lack of closure of the previous episode, I never fully let her in; the counselor finally advised me that my ex had been drugged with a mixture of ghb and ecstasy and assaulted. I never fully bought the story, because things just didn't add up. We continued in counseling for quite a while, but things still didn't feel right. We seemed to be making a lot of progress, but there was still this huge splinter of doubt in my mind. The counselor tried everything to get it out, but there was never anything concrete to make me believe I could fully trust my ex again. It got to the point where the counselor and my ex were both pressuring me to let her in, to trust her again as I had before. I never could, but I came terrifyingly close.

      I phrase it that way because I almost isolated yet another friend and almost turned over all of my phone and passwords to her (though she would never consider doing that for me in return). I recently had to leave for work again, and was gone for 24 days. My ex had been calling and texting me to let me know how much she missed me and loved me, an couldn't wait to cuddle on the couch. A few days before I was to come home, she suddenly became very distant, and either wouldn't answer her phone or would claim a headache and hang up, although she would still tell me she loved me. The night I got home, she wasn't at the airport to pick me up (which was all she had been able to talk about), and I had to call a buddy for a ride home. After I got home, I went to her place to surprise her (which she had asked me to do previously). Her car wasn't in the parking lot, and no lights were on. I called her, and she told me that she and a girlfriend were staying at her place and were getting ready to go to bed. I repeated that back, and she said yes. I asked her if she had a second to come downstairs because I was home and couldn't wait to see her. She hung up on me. I never heard from her that night. The next day, after conferring with our counselor, I stopped by to make sure she was safe. She was leaving with a girlfriend, and looked right through me like I wasn't even there. All she said was "we're busy, I'll talk to you later." About an hour later, she broke up with me via text. Shortly after, she completely removed all signs of our relationship from social media, and completely blocked me from her life. Bewildered and hurt, I asked her two best friends about what was going on, and they both told me that they weren't getting in the middle of it, and that I should talk to her. I spent a week agonizing over what I could have done or what could have happened. Saturday night during a ball game at a friend's house, I discovered that not only had she been posting pictures of she and another guy on a date, she was already listed as in a relationship with him... .barely a week after she refused to break up with me in any form but text.  A quick search revealed an extensive arrest record involving domestic assault, battery, and charges involving minors. I contacted her family and best friends to express my concerns for her safety. I discovered that she has completely severed ties with her entire family except her biological father and her grandparents, who provide her with money.

Shortly after talking to her grandparents (who were more concerned with my contacting them than her situation), I began getting threatening texts from the replacement. I have no fears about my safety, but I am absolutely devastated and angry that after everything we went through together, everything we fought through together, and everything I did for her... .I wasn't even worth looking in the eye when she left.

I ignored the red flags because I just couldn't believe that someone like her could really be BPD.

At present, she is dead to me. I miss her, but I realize that it will never work, and will only get worse. She hit a hard boundary with me with the lies, and then nuked all bridges between us when I discovered my replacement.

I am doing a hard self-inventory, and am continuing counseling to heal. At present, I love her, I miss her, and I care about her, but I cannot and will not let her near me again. I'm just concerned that she is going to test my will on that.