Need some advice

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all,

I am so happy to have found this forum. I am 90+ days into a break up from my partner. I am really having a hard time with all of this and went to see a counselor, where it was suggested she might be suffering from BPD based on my assessment of the situation.

We were together off and on for 5 years. Back in May, her drinking got so out of control that she finally checked herself into detox. She also has a history of cocaine abuse. She was there for 3 weeks (ridiculous amount of time IMO). While she was there, I completely broke down and ended up cutting my arm. It was not a suicide attempt, just an attempt to relieve some of the pain and anguish I was experiencing. It was like when she wasn't there, all of it came crashing down.

Leading up to this, she has always had an "anger" problem. She would become irate at the slightest things, and call me every name in the book. She would slam her fists on the counter, throw things, speed away in her car, etc. Her reactions were generally over the top for whatever the situation was. I can only describe it as a rage. Her entire facial expression would change, as if it wasn't even her in there. She did see a neuropsychiatrist, but never shared the results with me.

We did this for a number of years. I am a good 6 inches taller and 50 lbs heavier than her, so the 2 times it did become physical, I allowed her to push me and overpower me, all the while trying to talk her down.

While she was at detox, there were no family meetings, no contact from the counselors, etc. I learned later thiat this is not how detox is supposed to go. We finally had a family meeting 3 days before she was to be discharged, which felt to me like an ambush. She had been pouring her heart out to these counselors, and decided I was her "trigger" (she's been an alcoholic the last 20 years), and that we were toxic for each other. Prior to all of this, I "saved" her from herself, was the best thing to happen to her, etc. I have no way of knowing what the counselors suggested she do, but I left feeling like everyone knew what was about to happen in there but me.

I left for a trip to see family out of state the same day she came home. We agreed on NC while I was gone, and then we'd sit and talk when I got home. Long story short, when I got home, she raged at me again in front of her mother and told me either I was leaving or she was.

There's so much more to this story as I'm sure you all know, but my main issue is that I can't stop thinking about her. She's deleted and blocked me on Facebook, changed her phone number, threatened to "make my life hell" if I talked to her family (we always had a very close relationship), etc.

It seems like she just flipped a switch and I am left scratching my head wondering what just happened. When I'm having good days, I know she's mentally ill and the relationship is not for me. But other days, I am constantly reminded of her and would give anything to see her one more time.

I'm torturing myself with the regrets, resentments, the what-ifs, etc. I just want this feeling to go away. I want some sort of explanation from her, even though I know I'll never get it. This is a pattern for her, and her mother recently told me that the length of our relationship was a record for her. I wanted to be the one to help her although I know that I am not qualified to do so.

Thank you all for listening. Any tips you may have for helping me "get over it" would be amazing.

[jadd2010]

Hello all,

I am so happy to have found this forum. I am 90+ days into a break up from my partner. I am really having a hard time with all of this and went to see a counselor, where it was suggested she might be suffering from BPD based on my assessment of the situation.

We were together off and on for 5 years. Back in May, her drinking got so out of control that she finally checked herself into detox. She also has a history of cocaine abuse. She was there for 3 weeks (ridiculous amount of time IMO). While she was there, I completely broke down and ended up cutting my arm. It was not a suicide attempt, just an attempt to relieve some of the pain and anguish I was experiencing. It was like when she wasn't there, all of it came crashing down.

Leading up to this, she has always had an "anger" problem. She would become irate at the slightest things, and call me every name in the book. She would slam her fists on the counter, throw things, speed away in her car, etc. Her reactions were generally over the top for whatever the situation was. I can only describe it as a rage. Her entire facial expression would change, as if it wasn't even her in there. She did see a neuropsychiatrist, but never shared the results with me.

We did this for a number of years. I am a good 6 inches taller and 50 lbs heavier than her, so the 2 times it did become physical, I allowed her to push me and overpower me, all the while trying to talk her down.

While she was at detox, there were no family meetings, no contact from the counselors, etc. I learned later thiat this is not how detox is supposed to go. We finally had a family meeting 3 days before she was to be discharged, which felt to me like an ambush. She had been pouring her heart out to these counselors, and decided I was her "trigger" (she's been an alcoholic the last 20 years), and that we were toxic for each other. Prior to all of this, I "saved" her from herself, was the best thing to happen to her, etc. I have no way of knowing what the counselors suggested she do, but I left feeling like everyone knew what was about to happen in there but me.

I left for a trip to see family out of state the same day she came home. We agreed on NC while I was gone, and then we'd sit and talk when I got home. Long story short, when I got home, she raged at me again in front of her mother and told me either I was leaving or she was.

There's so much more to this story as I'm sure you all know, but my main issue is that I can't stop thinking about her. She's deleted and blocked me on Facebook, changed her phone number, threatened to "make my life hell" if I talked to her family (we always had a very close relationship), etc.

It seems like she just flipped a switch and I am left scratching my head wondering what just happened. When I'm having good days, I know she's mentally ill and the relationship is not for me. But other days, I am constantly reminded of her and would give anything to see her one more time.

I'm torturing myself with the regrets, resentments, the what-ifs, etc. I just want this feeling to go away. I want some sort of explanation from her, even though I know I'll never get it. This is a pattern for her, and her mother recently told me that the length of our relationship was a record for her. I wanted to be the one to help her although I know that I am not qualified to do so.

Thank you all for listening. Any tips you may have for helping me "get over it" would be amazing.

[Invictus01]

To be honest... .time is the only thing that will help. Just need to wait it out. Maybe find a good psychologist to talk to, I have a feeling you don't have too many friends who understand what you are going through and wanna talk about it. In the end, you need to figure out why you were willing to put up with this kind of treatment for so long.

[jadd2010]

To be honest... .time is the only thing that will help. Just need to wait it out. Maybe find a good psychologist to talk to, I have a feeling you don't have too many friends who understand what you are going through and wanna talk about it. In the end, you need to figure out why you were willing to put up with this kind of treatment for so long.

You are absolutely right on all counts. My friends say, "just let it go, she's crazy". That's much easier said than done. I am seeing a counselor right now, which helps, but when I really have a hard time, it's never when I am sitting in front of the counselor.

I have tried to figure out what it is about her that made me want to stay. In the beginning, and even years later, she was an amazing partner. When she's having a good day, you feel like the only other human being around. On a bad day, you're invisible. I'm confident that as more time passes and I learn to love myself again, I'll look back and wonder what took me so long to wake up.

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

[HappyNihilist]

Hello there, jadd, and welcome to BPD Family. We're so glad you found us, too! It helps to talk. You'll find a lot of great information and lessons here, as well as many people who understand.

These relationships are complex and confusing. You've been through a lot with your ex, and then the ending was completely baffling. It's understandable that you're having a hard time. 

When I was struggling with those tortured thoughts of regret and what-ifs, I would turn to these 10 Beliefs to help center me - 10 Beliefs that can get you stuck

You've had time to do some processing, and it's great that you're going to a counselor. Having a good therapist is invaluable. I would encourage you to keep going. If you're having difficulty with connecting with those hard times when you're talking with your counselor, you might consider journaling. That way you can capture your thoughts and feelings as you're having them, and be able to share them and process them later with your counselor. Do you think this might help?

You recognize that this is a pattern for her, and that she can't provide you an explanation or closure. One of the toughest things about a disordered relationship is that lack of closure from our exes. We usually have to give closure to ourselves.

What do you feel might give you a sense of closure?

Again, welcome to the family. Please, keep posting and exploring your feelings.

[Invictus01]

You are absolutely right on all counts. My friends say, "just let it go, she's crazy". That's much easier said than done. I am seeing a counselor right now, which helps, but when I really have a hard time, it's never when I am sitting in front of the counselor.

I have tried to figure out what it is about her that made me want to stay. In the beginning, and even years later, she was an amazing partner. When she's having a good day, you feel like the only other human being around. On a bad day, you're invisible. I'm confident that as more time passes and I learn to love myself again, I'll look back and wonder what took me so long to wake up.

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

You are welcome. Oh, one more thing - post here. Just about everybody who ever ended up on this board encountered almost zero understanding from friends and family. Basically, unless you went through one of these bizarre relationships, it is practically impossible to relate and understand. The only reason I even started looking towards personality disorders because in the beginning, the first 2-3 weeks, it felt like I was losing my mind, I couldn't understand what was happening to me, people around me couldn't understand what was happening with me... .only one friend knew exactly what it was. She had the pleasure to experience one of these relationships herself. She told me to read up on it. And things started to make sense.