Have you ever stopped caring?

[Lifewriter16]

I'm so glad you've found this website before you made that commitment. Far better to enter a commitment with knowledge and an active decision (or not at all) than to find out after the fact what you've got yourself into.

Love

Lifewriter

x

[unicorn2014]

I'm so glad you've found this website before you made that commitment. Far better to enter a commitment with knowledge and an active decision (or not at all) than to find out after the fact what you've got yourself into.

Love

Lifewriter

x

Thank you so much! I am glad too. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet but luckily at this point he is still going through a divorce so I don't have to make that decision yet. We are engaged, and have been since the beginning of the relationship.

[sempervivum]

Where I came to over the years is taking my moment and leaving all options open - meaning when he exhausts me and I feel as if I can´t take it any more, I just allow myself to "hate" him and take time and space for myself.

My thoughts are like this: You did it again, you behaved immaturely and you exhausted me. I need to refuel and right now I will do something, anything for my own pleasure. Right now I don´t care what you think and what you feel.

Again: these are thoughts, usually confirmed with my actions. I just leave the room, or the house and tell my two young people where I will be. Since they have their school/college and friends, they don´t need me so much. They even like my going out.

The first couple of times I did it, I was curious will my BP have any comments about that, but interestingly he didn´t. The first time this happened, he called and asked me politely (which meant a sort of knowledge about his overreacting at home) where I was. I just said "I´m shopping." He had no comments.

So, now I take my time without regrets -visiting my mother, seeing the film, going out with friends, riding a bike, playing computer games ... .

The only regret I still have and probably will always have is that I will never get an apology from him for hurting me. I should not be unfair to him: he DID change. Maybe because of my changing, but he has his limits.

There were years before when I enabled him and I didn´t know it was enabling. In my concept it was just searching for compromises in marriage. Of course, after I was left empty so many times, only then I realized this was entirely wrong. That was the point I started suspecting a personality disorder.

I think it is completely OK to take some time off when you stop focusing around your BP (I would not use the word caring), but I understand there are situations when you reach your end and finish the relationship.

[unicorn2014]

Where I came to over the years is taking my moment and leaving all options open - meaning when he exhausts me and I feel as if I can´t take it any more, I just allow myself to "hate" him and take time and space for myself.

My thoughts are like this: You did it again, you behaved immaturely and you exhausted me. I need to refuel and right now I will do something, anything for my own pleasure. Right now I don´t care what you think and what you feel.

Again: these are thoughts, usually confirmed with my actions. I just leave the room, or the house and tell my two young people where I will be. Since they have their school/college and friends, they don´t need me so much. They even like my going out.

The first couple of times I did it, I was curious will my BP have any comments about that, but interestingly he didn´t. The first time this happened, he called and asked me politely (which meant a sort of knowledge about his overreacting at home) where I was. I just said "I´m shopping." He had no comments.

So, now I take my time without regrets -visiting my mother, seeing the film, going out with friends, riding a bike, playing computer games ... .

The only regret I still have and probably will always have is that I will never get an apology from him for hurting me. I should not be unfair to him: he DID change. Maybe because of my changing, but he has his limits.

There were years before when I enabled him and I didn´t know it was enabling. In my concept it was just searching for compromises in marriage. Of course, after I was left empty so many times, only then I realized this was entirely wrong. That was the point I started suspecting a personality disorder.

I think it is completely OK to take some time off when you stop focusing around your BP (I would not use the word caring), but I understand there are situations when you reach your end and finish the relationship.

Thank you, this is very helpful. I'm not married to my pwBPD yet and I am hoping to solve a lot of these problems before I do marry him. When I find myself saying "I don't care" I know I've crossed over the line. I don't know if you've taken DBT or not but there is an opposite action to anger called gentle avoidance. The gentle part really throws me. How do you gently avoid someone especially when they're demanding your attention right here right now? That may be something I post about later.

[sempervivum]

Just to add: I am glad I evolved. When I was younger, I used to be deeply hurt and reacted with too much talking and reasoning which usually ended with my tears.

Now I still get hurt, sometimes as deeply as before, but I have developed a sort of parallel thinking: although hurt, I tell myself to wait a day or two and see  my reactions then. At the moment of hurting I cannot forgive him and I am forgetting the fact that it is his disorder.

After a day or two I am able to overcome my feelings and I don´t feel the urge for forgiving him, because when I get calm, I know it is my kind of reality, not someone else´s. In my reality there are laws of nature and rules typical for this reality.