Relationship autopsy

[fft524]

Being just shy of two weeks post-erasure from her life, I'm going back through the relationship looking for red flags and things I could learn from this that could give me insight into myself and how I handle my end of a relationship. (Yes, I realize that that's a big task, given the situation.) As I'm doing this, I realized that there were multiple instances of her telling me unsavory things that "her friends" had done, that could easily have been her (and I strongly suspect were). Has anyone else run into that, where they tell you things that they've done, but framed these actions as those of another? (Cheating, stealing, etc.) Also, has anyone had an experience where the pwBPD admitted things to mutual friends and then denied them to you? (Trying to sort out fact from gossip... .though I'm wondering whether I should just let sleeping dogs lie.)

This relationship either formed or unearthed codependent tendencies in me, and I have been diagnosed with PTSD from dealing with the many situations arising from being involved with her... .to the point that I'm starting to think that she herself had become a trigger. Any thoughts or guidance would be GREATLY appreciated. (We were in counseling together, and since my erasure, I'm continuing to see the counselor for help.)

[enlighten me]

Hi fft

I can understand your quest for answers. My exs both said things that I call veiled confessions. My ex wife said just before dumping me "sometimes I wish I could leave my life behind and meet someone from say London and move there".

My replacement (her new husband) is from... .Wait for it... .London.

Its amazing what we find out about ourselves post these relationships. Once you get through the anger, then the understanding of their condition you get onto yourself. This self awareness has been eye opening. I don't know if its made me a better person. What it has done is make me aware of some past choices and the driving force behind them.

[fft524]

Its amazing what we find out about ourselves post these relationships. Once you get through the anger, then the understanding of their condition you get onto yourself. This self awareness has been eye opening. I don't know if its made me a better person. What it has done is make me aware of some past choices and the driving force behind them.

... .And that is exactly the point that I'm trying to reach. I realize that I wasn't the perfect partner, but then again, who is? I realize that I did my absolute best, and stuck around through (and put up with) more than 99.999% of the people out there would have. I'm still grappling with the fact that regardless of what I did or said, it would =never= be enough; success was always juuuust out of reach.

So now, I'm taking things day by day, minute by minute, with the goal of understanding and improving myself. Trying so desperately to love and understand someone with this condition made me take a very hard look at myself, because, well... .we had some kind of connection, whether it was healthy or not, and I want to understand why. I'm sick and tired of being left with my heart in my hands, and the only common thread in my past relationships is me.

Is this a common feeling among nons? That there is something wrong with us? Is there something to that, or is it just a reaction to the abrupt halt to the seemingly nonstop stress and drama?

[enlighten me]

In any relationship there needs to be give and take to make it work. If one person gives too much and the other only takes then it will never work.

For a so called non ( I say so called as we all have quirks and differences and even our own issues) balance can be achieved and a healthy relationship formed. It doesn't end there though as it constantly has to be adjusted and looked after.

When we look at our own issues then we see where we fall down. If like me there is some co dependence issues then we give and give and give until eventually we have enough and want to have something given back. I realised this not only in my relationships but in my work life. I would always go that extra mile and never be given recognition. It made me feel bitter. I now ask the bigger question of who was I really doing this for? Was it my boss/ gf or was it me?

Co dependency can be reigned in and kept on top of with effort but its not a comfortable balancing act as your not used to saying no. You also have to be careful to not go too far the other way and become selfish. At the moment I have come to the realisation that co dependant or not Im comfortable with who I am. That said I do say no more than I used to.

[Pretty Woman]

Trust your gut, friend. I went through the same with my ex. I think there were a lot of half-truths and plain out lies.

You will never know the full truth. I did have the opportunity to get some closure from an ex of my ex when she told me early on in our relationship my ex told her she was "scared for her life" and that I had violent mood swings and should be institutionalized.

Now this ex knows me well and is no longer speaking to OE (our ex). She finds it laughable and sees that even five years later the ex clearly has problems. This is not something she will grow or mature out of.

[fft524]

Trust your gut, friend. I went through the same with my ex. I think there were a lot of half-truths and plain out lies.

You will never know the full truth.

Now this ex knows me well and is no longer speaking to OE (our ex). She finds it laughable and sees that even five years later the ex clearly has problems. This is not something she will grow or mature out of.

See, that's some of the faulty reasoning that led me here: that love and patience on both parts could overcome the issues that arose as a result of her behavior.

Six months into our relationship, I was out of town for work, and something happened. What, I don't know to this day (2 years later). Because of the rumors, gossip, lack of honesty on her part, and a complete lack of closure, I was never able to fully trust her again, and was afraid to completely let her in. Now I'm getting made out to be the bad guy by her family and some of our mutual friends because I didn't live up to the expectations that others told her she should have.

My friends, on the other hand, are telling me that my reaction was completely rational, that I deserve better, and that I shouldn't allow myself to fall victim to false guilt. 

Even though we are DONE, and haven't spoken in 3 weeks, I still feel like I'm being gaslighted.

When will this go away?

I'm struggling to concentrate on myself and remaining mindfully in the present, but I still feel disoriented.

I realize that I'll never know the truth and that I'll never be able to work out all of the parts of this tangled web.

How do I just let it go and move on?

[Pretty Woman]

Keep in mind your ex's  family is PART of her dysfunction and part of the reason why she behaves poorly. Many are enablers and actually support your exes bad behavior. Her mother or siblings could very well have BPD too. It's common. Try not to take their lack of support for you personally. Many times they are just protecting your ex's bad behavior. They have been doing this likely her whole life.

Secondly, you won't ever be able to stop the gaslighting. I know it's insane. It's so hurtful that anyone can make up stuff about you, especially someone you loved and cared for. It's not acceptable behavior.

Your real friends, the ones who know your character will stand by you.   Not only have you gotten rid of a person who was not good for you (your ex) you might find yourself weeding out a few "friends" who weren't good for you either.

I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will feel better after "cleaning house". I have awesome support and a lot of love from friends I didn't get in my past relationship. It reminds you there are good people out there that won't hurt you, won't slander you and won't just up and leave you.

[fft524]

Right now, I'm trying very hard to find balance and re-center myself. Little steps, right now, like making sure I get enough sleep and am eating regularly... .basic self-care. Things aren't leveled off yet, and sometimes I find myself wondering about my own sanity. I realize that even asking that question means I'm not insane, just in turmoil. However, it still doesn't help the pain.

[Pretty Woman]

You will alternate between pain, sadness and anger for awhile. I am on month four and it's better.

You are doing all the right things. Don't let yourself go. Listen to classic rock... .you won't hear mopey love songs  Eat well. Try to get to the gym. Stay social and present in your life. Don't dissapear... .that will make you feel more depressed.

Try to take some St. Johns Wort. That really helped with the anxiety and you can get it at GNC. It takes a few weeks to kick in but it helped with my PTSD... .I'm off the anxiety meds because of it.

This shyt affects everything.  I almost lost my job the last time she left. I told her she would never hurt me again. She did and I am officially done. It is hard not ruminating and thinking about what you could have done.

Thing is likely no matter what you did the outcome would have ended the same. My ex has not had a successful relationship in 43yrs. That is not likely to change in the 43 (if she's lucky) to come.

[fft524]

You know, at some level I knew it was going to end like this. I ignored it, though, and kept my hopes up for us. I was convinced that there wasn't anything we couldn't accomplish together, because she was just so... .invigorating, and when we were together (when things were good), the chemistry was beyond words.

Naïveté is a cruel SOB. 

While I intuitively realize that there was absolutely nothing I could have done to avoid this, and that its better that this happened now instead of after the engagement/wedding/kids, I still feel guilt. I still feel like I failed. I still feel like I hurt her, even though the reason that I did or didn't do the things that she and others claim hurt her was because of her behavior, because of the smoke and mirrors, and because of the uncertainty that she cast into the relationship. I knew what I wanted with her almost immediately after we met, and there wasn't much I wouldn't have done to get it. I opened myself up to her like no one before, because I was convinced that she was the girl I wanted to spend my life with, and I didn't want to screw it up. I didn't start to make "mistakes" until after an excruciating period 6 months in, where I learned to fully grasp the concept of her issues with object permanence. Nothing was ever the same afterwards. It's just maddening to be told that you failed someone you love, when you know in your heart that they failed you.

[OnceConfused]

FTT:

time is the best healer of all things. Trust that with time your pain will lessen and then one day, your xBPDSO will be truly an X. Having said that , I think there are ways one can use to accelerate the healing:

1. Write down all the negatives things of the r.s. and your negative feelings. Use this whenever your mind drifts back to the good times. I did it and it helped a lot. I was able to calm my mind and allow me to be in the present moment and not the past.

2. Get plenty of sleep. Don't hesitate to call your doctor for ambient so that you can sleep well. I did not after my wife's death and because of the lack of sleep,my mind went into a fog. I think the stress also affected my heart as I have atrial fibilation now.

3. Force yourself in to some exercise program as simple as walking for 30 minutes every 2 days. Excercises produce endorphine which is a happy hormone. If you belong to a club, go there because your body will pick up the positive energy of people there.

4. Keep your mind and your body occupied by finding a yoga class, by finding a cooking class, by learning how to dance (this way you can have fun also an opportunity to meet new people). Personally, I went to site at cafe near the university to watch people. I also took up tango dancing which I continue to do 10 years later.

Believe me, there is so much that we have not done yet. So as Wayne Dyer said , ":)ONT DIE WITH THE MUSIC STILL IS IN YOU"

4.

[AnnaBlue917]

   @FFT524Is this a common feeling among nons? That there is something wrong with us? Is there something to that, or is it just a reaction to the abrupt halt to the seemingly nonstop stress and drama?

Fresh out of a relationship with a woman with BPD has me FEELING EXACTLY like this. I have analyzed and gone over and over what I did, what I was doing you name it to UNDERSTAND my role in this woman's life. I am out of the relationship which had been deduced to a friendship only a little over 3 weeks ago (closer to a month) to NO CONTACT! It was not for my lack of trying. I am so HURT right now but I am well aware that SHE is doing ME the biggest of FAVORS by CUTTING me OFF!  I am taking this time to HEAL and to LOOK at my own SELF and CORRECT it. Each day, I feel like a zombie, going to work coming home, preparing dinner, taking the dog out and looking on the internet to find something that will help me understand that will help soothe this pain. Thank God I found this group! I wish I had known about it when I was in the relationship. In the past week I have learned about Gaslighting, Stockholm syndrome, Narcissm, you name it. I am absorbing myself into things so I can make some sense of ALL of this. I am also looking at my own personality traits and past traumas and how all of it has led me to this relationship. I AM CODEPENDENT and this has not HELPED!  I GAVE FAR MORE OF MYSELF than I ever have and I AM SO FREAKIN ANGRY with myself for it! The time SPENT that I can never get back! I can only PRAY that I REALLY LEARN from this and totally MOVE ON!

[Pretty Woman]

Anna Blue brings up a lot of good points.

One that stood out for me is once the BPD is gone there is CALM.

My ex used to say I was dramatic and everything was drama, drama, drama.

Turns out it wasn't me at all. It was her blowing normal, everyday issues out of proportion. Taking a small thing and turning it into Mount Visuvius.

The calm is an adjustment. Here we are greiving and there is all this silence and peace. It doesn't help with the ruminating and overthinking. I am in month four NC and I am starting to enjoy the quiet. I put my life on hold for three years. I let my home fall apart. I still had a small Christmas tree on my table out from a year ago. I was super depressed. She weighed me down. I actually felt like she was an albatross around my neck. She was so needy yet left me a million times, left me for others, called me names and assaulted me.

It's almost like I just lost myself.

The calm is deafening at first... .but soon it is welcome. I am cleaning my house, cooking, playing with my cats. My "normal" is slowly returning and close friends are noticing.

[fft524]

Mine weighed me down, too. I caught her lying about being at home the night before she dumped me, and I had already made up my mind that it was over. I couldn't take any more lies. When I realized that was it, there was this tiny voice in the back of my head cheering, and this ephemeral feeling of freedom. I haven't felt freedom that way since. Just that one lie was enough to validate all of the doubts and fears I had been feeling, and all of the things I had or hadn't done that she wanted.

1 week after the breakup, she was already posting on social media (I'm blocked, thank God) about her new relationship and how happy she is... .She even lied about why we broke up. Told me she was having family problems and needed to focus on finishing her degree. Now I realize she was lying and cheating for God knows how long.

As I type this, I wonder if how I feel right now is how they feel all of the time. If so, I think I understand the behaviors. 

[Pretty Woman]

I truly don't know how they are not constantly exhausted. How do you keep multiple people attached and all the lies straight.

I knew mine fell for someone right away. They went bowling and asked me to go. I figured, this is a new friend for her. Good. Off they went.

She immediately stopped texting me. I knew. Deep inside this mimicked the last time she left.

The three month mark is where it starts to tank for my ex. They just began month four. I know the mask slips and the crazy emerges. I am glad to be away from it. I do fear she may try to contact me again but as the months pass it gets better.

[fft524]

I'm not sure what the time frame is for mine... .as far as I know, it's about 4-6 months. She may have been doing whatever it is that she does before that, but I don't really know. 6 months was when the wheels really came off. After that, I don't really know. I always had doubts and questions about that. I'm trying not to do a post-mortem on her behavior anymore, because it just ends with me sad and upset. One thing that I realized last night (and I guess I've known intuitively), is that I have to stop looking for outside validation. Took a couple of codependency quizzes yesterday to try to take my own temperature. Took the same one twice--once from the viewpoint of being in the relationship with her, and one from the viewpoint of not being concerned with her. Not surprisingly, in the relationship version, I scored in the "danger zone." Oddly enough, though, when I removed her from the picture, I scored well within the healthy zone. I find myself wondering if they actually cause codependent behaviors, or if they awaken latent tendencies? My counselor seems to be pretty convinced at this point that I'm not codependent, but was behaving as any caring person would, given the circumstances. I'm on the fence. I don't want to be a hypochondriac when it comes to my own mental and emotional health, but I don't want to ignore anything, either. I guess I should just keep and eye on it, and let the grief run its course. Thoughts?

[fft524]

As far as the recycling goes, a friend of mine (who is a counselor and has met her), is concerned about me, because she is 100% convinced that she'll try to come back. My counselor, is, too. I really don't relish that idea. I've seen how she can be when she's convinced that she needs me RIGHT NOW. That involved me calling the police at 2 AM so that my neighbors didn't. My thinking was that if I called and told them to just have her go home, that would be better than the neighbors having her trespassed or arrested. She was throwing rocks at my windows, donkey-kicking my front door, and machine-gun ringing my doorbell to the point that I had to kill the breaker to keep her from waking my downstairs neighbor. (Found out later that the door kicking, did it, anyway.) She isn't usually prone to rages, but the lying, cheating, veiled confessions, and projecting blame are all there. When she lived with me, I'd find broken hairbrushes and closet doors. Never knew what to make of that until much later. Had one counselor tell me that she's more of an adult child of an alcoholic than BPD, but having seen most of her facets firsthand... .I don't know. At this point, all I know is that I tried. I did my best. I loved her the best way I know how, and I did more for her and showed her more love than her own family ever has.

I'm quickly getting over any guilt for my supposed "failures," by virtue of the way she treated me at the end.

Everyone deserves better.

[HappyNihilist]

I'm trying not to do a post-mortem on her behavior anymore, because it just ends with me sad and upset.

I understand, fft, it is painful and sad to think about those things.

It sounds like you're doing a good job trying to refocus your energy from her behavior to your own. 

One thing that I realized last night (and I guess I've known intuitively), is that I have to stop looking for outside validation.

This is a powerful insight.  Definitely worth much more exploration.

You're right - true validation can only come from within. When we continue to base our sense of worth and self-esteem on external sources, we will continue to make poor choices in relationships.

You say that you've known it intuitively. Has this been a pattern for you?

I don't want to be a hypochondriac when it comes to my own mental and emotional health, but I don't want to ignore anything, either. I guess I should just keep and eye on it, and let the grief run its course.

You're not being a hypochondriac - you're trying to understand yourself.  It's great that you're taking inventory and exploring what attracted to you to this relationship.

Disordered relationships can be a great catalyst for self-discovery and change. This is the true gift of these relationships.

Let yourself feel your feelings - let yourself grieve. It takes time. As long as you keep looking within, you will continue to detach and heal.

[fft524]

One thing that I realized last night (and I guess I've known intuitively), is that I have to stop looking for outside validation.

This is a powerful insight.   Definitely worth much more exploration.

You're right - true validation can only come from within. When we continue to base our sense of worth and self-esteem on external sources, we will continue to make poor choices in relationships.

You say that you've known it intuitively. Has this been a pattern for you?

A pattern of dysfunctional relationships? Not really, just a series of failed ones. I've been looking back over them, and the only real common thread between them was me.

As I'm making my way out of this hole I find myself in, I'm beginning to realize how dependent we both were on each other, but for very different reasons. She depended on me for safety, security, and stability. As I think about it, I got no small measure of validation from having a beautiful girl head over heels in love with me and really, really wanting me in her life. As I look back, though, I realize that her interest, the relationship, and the breakup really didn't have anything to do with me at all.

The breakup happened very suddenly and very cruelly, so I've spent a lot of time in introspection about what I could have done to cause it... .

The further away I get from it, I realize that this was pretty much inevitable. In regards to the intuitive part, this is the second time I've been left this way in the past 3 years. The difference is that the first time, the girl had the common decency to follow through with commitments she made to me, and had the decency to look me in the eye when she left.

My disordered ex told me how much she loved and missed me, left me stranded in an airport, lied to me when I got home, dumped me via text message, and was posting all over social media about her new wonderful life... .all within a week.

The insight about internal validation came to me one night while I was sitting on my couch feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I'm in this situation again.

The odd thing is that I don't hate her. I should. I'm angry and disgusted by the way she treated me, but I don't hate her. If anything, I pity her.  

How broken and empty she must feel for actions like that to appear ok.  

I'm learning to look at everything, even this, in a more positive light. It hurts, it's unfair, and she was cruel. BUT... .I'm free.

No more drama, no more doubts, no more wondering if she's telling the truth. That's the funny thing about disasters, particularly in matters of the heart.

Once the worst has happened, the only way you can go is up.