Attn BPD's, is bait & deflect subconscious or intentional and conscious?

[pineapple78]

I wondered if anyone could tell me if BPD's intentionally, consciously bait and deflect, or its a subconscious learnt behaviour. Or is it both? If so and you are BPD, are you aware you do it? Perhaps Im just curious as I just realised that I fell for it yesterday terribly and can see now that I am very vulnerable to it in my relationship as Im quick to defend myself in such situations. Im still learning and have not told my wife what I have discovered and am still very new to all this.

... .what happened yesterday was I was going into our lawyer to arrange the exchange on some land we were purchasing to build a house. We have been going through some hard times of late and my wife I discovered a while back was conversing with someone online with a plan to meet and I assume have an affair based from what she has told me on feeling alone. When confronted she eventually was sorry about it all and agreed not to speak to them again. Well my wife goes to the city to study once a month for a couple days and when she came home she seemed a little off. I dont know how to explain it but a husband knows when something is not right. So before going through with the property transaction I sent her a message to ask if she was sure she wanted to get the land with me and build a house.

She called me straight away to ask what the problem was. I just said that I noted she seemed out of sorts after coming back and I was concerned after what had happened earlier in the year. She assured me she is just stressed with work/study, which may well be the case! However after hanging up i received a message from her telling me her only concern with a future with me was some things i have done and said in the past have been abusive to her. I took the bait and called her to ask her what she meant (as the only person who has been abusive in our relationship has been her including physically). She relayed a couple of things which she interpreted as abusive. I went on to say that I didn't see it that way and I didn't understand how anyone could think that abuse. She interpreted it as controlling, therefore abuse. She then suggested to me if I had something happen with an old school friend I met up with the week before and that was why I had brought this up. Anyway I handled it reasonably well and stayed calm. Things didn't escalate, though they came close.

Anyway it didn't hit me until later that night that I had just fallen for the bait and got upset at it being suggested I was abusive and then being suggested that I might have been unfaithful. Looking at it now it seems as though she was either deflecting from her own faults in regards to her past unfaithfulness or that she may even been painting current unfaithfulness (if it exists) as justifiable because of this so called abusive side of me. In reality none of this had anything to do with the issue at hand which was the purchase of the land. However I suspect this changed the situation from one where she felt she was being accused to her being the victim. I feel like Im an idiot for not realising it at the time. It really annoys me that I did not recognise what was happening at the time. She is extremely clever and I wonder now if she thought about the message she was going to send and made a conscious choice to do this or if its more or less instinct for her to do this. Hence my question!

Cheers!

PS... .the controlling abuse she accused me of was transferring a large portion of our savings to an account she could not access. This happened after finding an open email on our computer where she was talking to this guy about meeting up with him and saying she was leaving me etc. My reaction before confronting her about it was to secure our funds rather than have her run off with everything and a mortgage for me to pay. It was not so much controlling but damage control. What I should have done at the time, but didn't know about was setting it so funds could only be withdrawn with both our signatures. I said that I didn't see it as controlling and therefore abuse as it was a reaction to an event she perpetuated. That it was never my intention of denying her access to our money but protecting myself as she seemed intent on disposing of me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

It is natural defensive behavior born both out of insecurity and an attempt to get you to join in the chaos they are feeling and hence either normalizing it, or hand balling responsibility to you via projection.

I think it is automatic rather than any long term strategy.