This is a HUGE problem -- Dealing with your BPDs Parents or Relatives

[LivingWBPDWife]

My wife is BPD, all the traits, characteristics, the DSM V, all of it, head on the nail. Been living with it 6 years -- sucks the life out of me. But, what sucks more is when you try to tell anyone else about their behavior that is close to THEM -- they dismiss it, think YOU are nuts, or just get angry.

That said, my BPD tattles on me to her mom all the time. Of course as a 40+ year old man, its kind of funny to me, and her mom is half her problem, but nevertheless, her mom and dad, and sister all hate me. I am the monster that ruined their daughters life. Of course, when you say how, or what? There is no answer... .

I don't hit her, don't cheat on her, showered her with gifts, affection, lavish trips, paid off her debts, married her on an island, and gave her a baby. I work all the time, so she doesn't have to (she can't work more than 1-2 days a week without overloading).

But, yet, she constantly complains I am a monster, and the reason her life is so bad... .

Of course, her parents cut her off, and she left the house since they "controlled" her too much, hmmm, sounds familiar...

Anyway, I am TIRED of 4 against 1, there is literally no way to defend myself against them other than saying your daughter bat shmit crazy, and she is lying, and telling you complete fictions or twisting facts.

How does everyone else deal with their BPDs family, and or parents, my BPD is close to her parents (now she is, of course when she met me THEY were the enemy so she NEVER talked to her dad, and conversations with her mom were short and 2-3 times a week) -- but now, every day, she has something bad to say that I did to make her feel bad.

How can I turn them to my side, or make them see how NUTS she is -- seems like a loose loose -- but, what sucks, is they LISTEN, ENABLE and this re-enforces her distorted reality of each day, and just feeds her rage and anger. Every time I feel we make a little progress, she calls her mom, and her mom makes sure I am to blame for something.

And of course, her mother is VERY overbearing has no control in her life so wants to exert control in her daughters, pisses me off. Can't tell you how many times she just comes over and takes over, most times I bite my tongue, but sometimes I don't.

Anyway, I REALLY want them out of our lives -- but that's not going to happen, but it makes it impossible to make progress with my BPD with their constant negative input.

Comments? Suggestions? Experiential Techniques?

[Notwendy]

How does everyone else deal with their BPDs family, and or parents, my BPD is close to her parents (now she is, of course when she met me THEY were the enemy so she NEVER talked to her dad, and conversations with her mom were short and 2-3 times a week) -- but now, every day, she has something bad to say that I did to make her feel bad.

How can I turn them to my side, or make them see how NUTS she is -- seems like a loose loose -- but, what sucks, is they LISTEN, ENABLE and this re-enforces her distorted reality of each day, and just feeds her rage and anger. Every time I feel we make a little progress, she calls her mom, and her mom makes sure I am to blame for something.



This is called triangulation.

How can I turn them to my side, or make them see how NUTS she is


Dealing in "sides" is a losing method no matter how you try. You can not get anyone to see something from your point of view. They make their own choice. They are going to think whatever they think. Yes, this feels terrible but it is what it is.


Families have their own system and dynamics of dysfunction. In many ways, when family members are dysfunctional, this system works to "stabilize" them. Your wife came out of this and it works for them.

[jcarter4856]

Quick reply: I've seen a few of your posts and your story is very close to mine, so I wanted to make some comments. However... .I've been too busy the past week working and keeping up with household work (sounds familiar?).

Anyway, just to say very quickly that I don't think you will gain any benefit whatsoever from engaging your wife's family. Furthermore, unless you are sufficiently vastly wealthy to afford a good long-term therapist, there is really nobody with whom you can share the BPD experience, except here. People gossip and change allegiance so there will always be a chance that your discussions with third parties will make it back to your wife. Low-grade therapists and counselors are not worth the time (often they're as crazy as a bag of hammers themselves).

Based on my experience, I do have one small suggestion which is to get up to speed on the underlying psychology and the associated terminology (projection, splitting, etc). Then subtly introduce these concepts in conversation with your wife, but this is the important part : not in relation to her behavior. Talk about some third party (even the crazy celebrities on reality TV are a good source of inspiration for this), or possibly your own behavior. I have found that with a high functioning pwBPD, this causes their ears to prick up. They probably go off and do some of their own research. Over time they develop a notion that "you have their number", but you don't need to mount any full-frontal assault. They probably wonder what caused you to develop this new-found deep grasp of psychobabble. As a result the pwBPD develops some of the insight and self-awareness that they lack. I've found this approach to have worked pretty well, at least when assessed in relation to the low risk of blow-back.

[SummerStorm]

At this point, my former friend BPD's parents are basically at a loss.  Her mom desperately wants to help her and tried to get her to move out with her, but my former friend changed her mind not long before the move was supposed to happen. 

Her parents live close to a facility that specializes in personality disorders, and I'm pretty sure that's where her mom wanted her to go.  Her ex-boyfriend couldn't remember the name, but he described it to me yesterday, and it sounds like the place. 

I'm pretty sure other family members have no idea how bad she is, and I think she told her sister the other day that I'm crazy. 

I can't imagine how hard it would be to have to deal with parents/family members who aren't supportive at all and think everything is your fault.  I'm not saying my former friend's mom is perfect (5 marriages, moves all the time, etc.), but she obviously recognizes that her daughter has a serious disorder and wants to get her help. 

[jasonb]

man, when I read this I thought wow.

my situation is very similar. She runs to her mother, who controls her even to this day through telephone, and her overprotective brothers. Her brothers will attempt to threaten me. I personally am not scared of them , but they have nothing to lose. If only they knew the real story. She has triangulated me with our mutual friends also. This puts our friends and us in a weird position. I wish I could stop this also. Just wanted you to know we are in the same creek with the same paddle.

[michel71]

Hi Living, when I saw the header on your post, but before I actually read the post or the comments, my initial reaction was "wow... .this guy is lucky that his BPDw has family and friends... .to pawn her off on". Mine has nobody. She alienated all of them ( of course she said they abandoned her). I wish so badly that my wife had some sort of support system. She doesn't make friends easily and is largely distrustful of people. That being said, if my wife did have the family dynamic that yours does, it would certainly add to my level of frustration and craziness! Obviously you cannot influence her family members in any way. They simply won't believe you. Even in so called "healthy" families, parents usually take the side of their child over that of the spouse. It is natural I think. Triangulating her mother in your marital affairs is not productive, but your wife will do as she likes. The only thing I can tell you is to take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, love your child and read some books on detachment and co-dependency. Reading these type of books has really helped me get MY OWN LIFE back. Good luck!

[mstnghu]

I can totally relate except that in my situation, as far as I know, my wife's family/friends still like me for the most part. My wife has never been diagnosed with BPD. I'm convinced she has it though. Of course, once I decided to confront her about it, she went completely ape-sh*t on me. My wife also has serious issues with being controlled by her mother and feeling the need to constantly run to her about ever little thing. Just as an example, we took our 4 year old son to get a haircut a couple of weeks ago and I asked the hair stylist to cut his hair short. His haircut looked great when it was done but of course my wife thought it was too short and she was basically freaking out about it. She then went on to say how her mom wasn't going to like it at all!  I looked at my wife and said "He's our son and I'm the one paying for his haircut. I really couldn't care less what your mom thinks about it." This is a very typical situation where my wife is concerned about what her mom thinks, even more so than what I think. On a side note, we went to a family get-together later that day and everybody was complimenting how handsome our son looked with his new haircut. Big surprise. 

I found that once her mom and stepdad knew about me suspecting her of having BPD, they've become much more aloof toward me. I think what it really comes down to is the fact that many people who are diagnosed with BPD have a history of abuse or neglect. My mother-in-law is very much about "saving face" and making sure that everybody on the outside thinks she has the perfect little family. Suspecting my wife of having BPD implies that she may have suffered some sort of abuse in her past and I think her mom feels it reflects badly on her.

I think my mother-in-law completely sugarcoats all the crazy things my wife says does and just blows it off like it's normal "womanly" behavior. I think what it ultimately comes down to is that my wife's closest family members really do know that she's nuts. They're relieved to have me married to her though because they no longer have to deal with her crap so much. She's now become my problem to deal with.

[Margarita]

Hi, it's amazing reading everybody's experiences and how polarising they are to my own. My in laws have stated that this situation is between us and we need to sort it out on our own. Washing their hands of their son. I have tried repeadly to reach out to my inlaws and my husbands siblings only for it to be turned around to be my fault. The horrible things my mother in law has said to me. (I think she has a disorder to) She only knows half truths and the negative things my BPDh says to them. Assumption is the mother of all f**k ups. It's absolutely soul crushing. Dealing with them as well as dealing with what's going on at home. Crying out for help and support in the most diplomatic way I possibly can. I am just as bad as him apparently if only they understood exactly what I go through on a daily basis. I have now realised this is futile. You've really got to give these people a wide berth unfortunately. It never works in your favour.