Ran into my ex BPD partner today

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey,  not sure where to start I ran into my ex BPD gf today after being 3 months nc,  it was good to say hello but after that I asked her about something her mum said to me and ___ got a little ruff after that,  and sense she had a son I was step father to for 6 years I said to her that maybe down the track we could be friends so I could see her son down the track maybe she went off saying to me that she doesn't want to be friends with me for the underlying reason of being friends with her son and that she doesn't want to be friends ever because of that,  so I said to her it's not an underlying reason I told you upfront why or maybe if she doesn't want to talk maybe we could go through her mother or family members so we don't have to talk at all,  and then she simply said it's over and I have to accept that me and her son with never be able to hang as friends again and that's all there is to it,  she asked what I had heard about her so I told her and that was a stupid mistake,  I wish I never said anything about it,  being that people are saying she has STD ,  if I had of been a normal guy about it the result would of been different but the anxiety got the better of me and her as well I think,  as she started crying saying just stay out of my life this is why we can't be friends your just nasty and I cry and a bit of other stuff,  I don't figure it,  she was telling me be4 I said anything about her how I was rooting her worst enemy which is far from true,  so when she asked I just told her,  stupid stupid mistake that's forsure.  Her boy was 7 when we meet his now 13,  I just don't know if she's being for real or what,  I'm so confused I feel I can't move on,  what do I do?

[helpmewithbpd]

Hey,  not sure where to start I ran into my ex BPD gf today after being 3 months nc,  it was good to say hello but after that I asked her about something her mum said to me and ___ got a little ruff after that,  and sense she had a son I was step father to for 6 years I said to her that maybe down the track we could be friends so I could see her son down the track maybe she went off saying to me that she doesn't want to be friends with me for the underlying reason of being friends with her son and that she doesn't want to be friends ever because of that,  so I said to her it's not an underlying reason I told you upfront why or maybe if she doesn't want to talk maybe we could go through her mother or family members so we don't have to talk at all,  and then she simply said it's over and I have to accept that me and her son with never be able to hang as friends again and that's all there is to it,  she asked what I had heard about her so I told her and that was a stupid mistake,  I wish I never said anything about it,  being that people are saying she has STD ,  if I had of been a normal guy about it the result would of been different but the anxiety got the better of me and her as well I think,  as she started crying saying just stay out of my life this is why we can't be friends your just nasty and I cry and a bit of other stuff,  I don't figure it,  she was telling me be4 I said anything about her how I was rooting her worst enemy which is far from true,  so when she asked I just told her,  stupid stupid mistake that's forsure.  Her boy was 7 when we meet his now 13,  I just don't know if she's being for real or what,  I'm so confused I feel I can't move on,  what do I do?

[enlighten me]

This is tough as even though he is not your son you bonded with him over six years. The fact that legally you have no rights doesn't mean that emotionally there isn't a connection.

By the sounds of your encounter her seeing you was very triggering. I realise that I became a trigger for my exgf just by being there. Whether it is guilt. shame or whatever drives this I couldn't say. She may fear that you will have a go at her.

The fact that you said you had heard about her wouldn't have been pleasant for her as what she has been up to could cast her in a bad light.

Im afraid that if she doesn't want you to have anything to do with her son then theres nothing you can do about it.

What is it that you want? Is it reconciliation or to get over her and move on?

[helpmewithbpd]

Well I guess I would love to be friends with them down the track when she is ready,  as I know where both are not atm,  but I could never be with her again in a relationship I know that much.  Yeah she said I was being nasty but I really wasn't,  she told me first what she had heard then asked me what I had heard,  thinking about it I guess after we said hello to each other I asked her something her mum said to me and she got her back up straight away with what I asked because I took it wrong so she says so I just said ok fair enough it doesn't matter then,  but my friend heard her say it,  and he thought the same thing as I did,  then she went on about it and how I was wrong so I just left it and said ok I'm wrong fair enough I can see what she ment just said the wrong way,  and was happy to leave it at that,  she was being a little wierd so I said to her it's ok and I'm not trying to get back together with her and I realise it was toxic and I feel that way about,  and simply used them words because she used them words when we broke up,  I think it's on of them times I feel I'm the one with the problem... .  Be4 she left she said she doesn't know me and I said to her,  you do know me look at every thing we have been through together and worked through and asked her to look me in the eyes so I could tell her again that I'm still that person but she couldn't look at me,  without crying that's when she said this is why we can't ever be friends,  I said then that I don't mean now I mean in 6 month or a year or so down the track. ...   But I guess I'm stuck I feel I'm hanging on because if the feelings she gave me,  on the other hand and logical mind know I have to get the hell out and never look back I just don't know how to and I just am not strong enough,  I know I need help to stop thinking about her,  maybe hypothesim or something it's killing me,  3 month nc now I feel like I'm back at day one.  I send a msg a few hours after to apologise from my heart about my actions and how I spoke,  it was from my heart so I guess I'm hoping it stops her hurt a little,  I'm such a fool

[helpmewithbpd]

Just been thinking about your question alot and thinking about my reasons behind wanting to see her son,  and I think the best answer is I need to have nothing to do with him and get over this and move on,  if I try and get over this but have anything to do with him I'll never move on... .

[enlighten me]

Your not a fool for feeling the way you do. The good times that you shared are just as much a part of her as the bad. This is the problem we cant separate tem. As much as we want the good side the bad will always be there. It leaves us torn and confused.

Your meeting did a number of things with her. It raised guilt/ shame at her behaviour. It also triggered abandonment when you said you didn't want to get back with her. Even though you never intended any of this you cant control how someone feels.

A lot of people go through what you are going through at the moment. Ive been there twice. Youd have thought I would have learned after the first one.

It does get better I assure you and as sad as it is to let got of your step son it is something that will hold you back at this moment in time. Down the line you may be able to have a relationship with him and his mum. Im sure he hasn't forgotten you and Im sure he will remember you as a big part of his formative years.

Sorry to rush this but my two year old is up to mischief.

[helpmewithbpd]

I guess it doesn't help knowing that she is with another guy as well,  it probably makes thing easier for them to drop it and not worry about it,  she replaced my pretty quickly which hurts but I guess that's the way it it,  nothin I can do to change it the only thing I was thinking is maybe when things go south for her and her new bf maybe things will change and she may give me a chance to be friend with him,  until then I just have to move on and try not to worry about these things as much as I can anyway

[enlighten me]

The replacement is a bitter pill to swallow but I found for me it was a help. Theres no ambiguity as to maybe getting back together. Its over she moved so time for me to.

The only thing you can do with regards to her son is give it time. Your replacement might be a real jerk and her son might miss you. He may eventually get in touch.

[helpmewithbpd]

Yeah definitely a bitter pill alright,  I just feel maybe that's why I'm painted so black atm maybe,  this has happened be4 and soon as they split it was all good to see her son again but this time I just want to be stronger enough to move on if that's how she's going to be now I don't want to be a sucker later on again like I was again this time

[helpmewithbpd]

Oh I'm 38 she is 34 and the replacement is just 18 and her son is 13 , I know it's just a comfort thing for her till she's ready to move on again,  I agave heard they fight alot and their only been together for about 4 to 5 weeks I guess I should be thinking thank God it's not me this time,  thank God I'm out,  that's how I should be thinking I know... .

[enlighten me]

I have to admit I was relieved when I finished with my exgf. I could no longer take the emotional abuse. I wanted to see her fall down and come running back to me. The replacement ended these feelings to some extent and made me go forward.

One thing that has helped is boundaries. For some reason we let our partners stomp all over them. I don't know why but I was unable to apply them to her like I could with anyone else. Probably guilt on my behalf. Boundaries are the rules we live by and don't always have to be saying no.

Yesterday I applied a boundary with my exgf. This may not sound like it but in my opinion it is a boundary. My exgf asked me a favour when I picked my son up. It took me two minutes out of my way. The boundary I applied in deciding to do this was if a stranger stopped me in the street and asked me to do it would I. The answer was yes. It was no skin off of my nose, it didn't really affect my plans and it was the right thing to do. In the past my exgf asked me when we had split up whether I could take down her daughters bed and take it to her new place. As the bed was at mine I said I would take it down but she had to arrange for it to be collected. Taking it down wasn't a problem as it was in the way but loading it and driving it to her and undoubtedly unloading it for her was as I felt it was overstepping my boundaries.

If it all goes wrong with the replacement and she comes back being nice to you what boundaries will you have in place?

Your mind set of thank God your out is a good one. You just need to keep reminding yourself of this. One thing that helped me was writing a list of all the bad points no matter how silly. Add to the list every time you think of something then when you have doubts read it. Its amazing some of the stuff you forget and reading others posts reminded me of a lot of things that Id forgotten about. I found a notebook that I had done a mini journal in when I split up from my ex wife and there was so much in there about my feelings at the time that I had forgotten. It was a bit of a shock and made me realise how much she had messed me up.

It does get better. It just takes time.

[helpmewithbpd]

I guess with the boundaries I was the same as you I could never keep them set in place I had forever shift them to keep her happy and to keep the relationship going,  I haven't thought the about the boundaries if she comes back and I firmly believe that she won't come running back this time,  she has nothin positive to say about me or to me about the relationship at all,  it's all negative,  that and she's made me look like the crazy one her parents,  but I guess I should have something in place just in case she does,  but again I think she has set them in place and we all know how stubborn a person with BPD can be so I don't think I have much to worry about...   Thanks for your insight,  I was doing really well now I feel like it was just another massive step backward I feel like it's day 1 all over again,, just wish the depression and anxiety would go away,  I'm sure people ready this can see how confused I am it's so hard atm... .  But thank you

[enlighten me]

I can completely understand the feeling of going back to square 1.

It may feel like it but before this incident you were further along and even though you may be back at square 1 it wont take anywhere near as long to get to where you were before it. Sometimes we need these little set backs to move further forward.

Im a great believer in desensitising yourself from the pwBPD. I say this as I have to interact with mine all the time. At first I felt sick, I couldn't sleep, I worried what they would say, what they would do, what they would think about me. Now I don't even think about it.

In a way you've faced your fear and survived. You were probably worried about bumping into her but now that initial worry has gone. A bit like worrying about standing up in school and speaking. You don't want to do it but one day you have to. It probably wasn't a good experience but you got through it. It may never be something you are comfortable with but every time you do it it becomes a little less frightening.

EM

[helpmewithbpd]

That's a really good point I was really worried in so many ways,  I guess it did help with that,  I think I'm just thinking about how it turned out and what she thinks of me now as well,  I keep thinking if it happens next time I know to say nothin and be nice and keep it simple and ask no questions,  which I should of done this time,  but my emotions took over.  Again like they always do... .  I know I shouldn't worry what she think of me,  I never used to be like this but now I'm with her all I think about is what she thinks of me,  I know people with BPD can make you feel like this but I have to say it sucks,  with saying that I feel next time we bump into each other she won't even stop to talk after the last convo... .  Maybe that's the best thing that can happen

[enlighten me]

Like you say you know what not to say if you do get engaged by her.

Its strange that they have managed to get so far under our skin that we worry about what they think of us. I did and occasionally still do. Im leaning more towards "why worry what she thinks about me as she doesn't deserve to have an input" with my exgf. Im not worried about what she thinks of my social life or private life but what does ge me every now and again is what she thinks of my parenting of our son. Im slowly getting past this though.

[helpmewithbpd]

Yeah I know I'll never ever go back to a person with BPD my heart and emotions can't handle it at all

[enlighten me]

Youll get there buddy.

It takes time and will power and understanding but eventually you will disconnect.

You seem to be heading in the right direction.

[helpmewithbpd]

Think I'm having a  really bad few days,  I wish I never stopped to talk to her,  silly mistake I know I was thinking with my emotional brain not my practical brain,, unfortunately this emotional brain has a bigger influence on me than I should allow  

[enlighten me]

That is the crux of the problem getting over these relationships. Detaching our emotions. We have to use the logic side of our brain but mine was beaten down so it has a hard time being heard, Eventually it finds its voice.

[helpmewithbpd]

That's exactly how I feel,  I feel like my logical brain doesn't get heard at all for the same reason it was just never heard in the relationship and if it was heard it always become a fight,  trying to train my brain to say, it doesn't matter we are over,  it doesn't matter.  Thanks for the chat just hope these feelings go away soon and I can start to feel better again

[enlighten me]

As Ive said before it does get better. One day you will wake up and she wont be the first thing you think of. Ater that the gap between thinking of them gets less and less. Triggers like food, places and songs will get different memories attached to them.

Theres no time line for this but keeping yourself distracted helps.