Regrets on leaving an ex partner

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

From he power of now


"LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIPS Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are “in love,” but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency. It seems that most “love relationships” become love/hate relationships before long. Love can then turn into savage attack, feelings of hostility, or complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch. This is considered normal. If in your relationships you experience both “love” and the opposite of love —attack, emotional violence, and so on —then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your “love” has an opposite, then it is not love but a strong ego-need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meets. It is the ego's substitute for salvation, and for a short time it almost does feel like salvation. But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain, and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the “love relationship” now resurface. Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain. This attack may awaken the partner's own pain, and he or she may counter your attack. At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behavior, so that it can use them again as a cover-up for your pain. Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to —alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person —you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction does that. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever. This is one reason why most people are always trying to escape from the present moment and are seeking some kind of salvation in the future. The first thing that they might encounter if they focused their attention on the Now is their own pain, and this is what they fear. If they only knew how easy it is to access in the Now the power of presence that dissolves the past and its pain, the reality that dissolves the illusion. If they only knew how close they are to their own reality, how close to God. Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. The pain is there anyway. Three failed relationships in as many years are more likely to force you into awakening than three years on a desert island or shut away in your room. But if you could bring intense presence into your aloneness, that would work for you too."

Funny, my ex had that book. She would talk about presence on occasion if I brought it up. Does this mean when we broke up she simply detached from her ego when she met the new guy and that's why they've been together so far?

Are BPD people even capable of that?

Mod Note: This post was split from Thoughts on why nons go back for more... . 

[disorderedsociety]

From he power of now


"LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIPS Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are “in love,” but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency. It seems that most “love relationships” become love/hate relationships before long. Love can then turn into savage attack, feelings of hostility, or complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch. This is considered normal. If in your relationships you experience both “love” and the opposite of love —attack, emotional violence, and so on —then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your “love” has an opposite, then it is not love but a strong ego-need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meets. It is the ego's substitute for salvation, and for a short time it almost does feel like salvation. But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain, and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the “love relationship” now resurface. Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain. This attack may awaken the partner's own pain, and he or she may counter your attack. At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behavior, so that it can use them again as a cover-up for your pain. Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to —alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person —you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction does that. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever. This is one reason why most people are always trying to escape from the present moment and are seeking some kind of salvation in the future. The first thing that they might encounter if they focused their attention on the Now is their own pain, and this is what they fear. If they only knew how easy it is to access in the Now the power of presence that dissolves the past and its pain, the reality that dissolves the illusion. If they only knew how close they are to their own reality, how close to God. Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. The pain is there anyway. Three failed relationships in as many years are more likely to force you into awakening than three years on a desert island or shut away in your room. But if you could bring intense presence into your aloneness, that would work for you too."

Funny, my ex had that book. She would talk about presence on occasion if I brought it up. Does this mean when we broke up she simply detached from her ego when she met the new guy and that's why they've been together so far?

Are BPD people even capable of that?

Mod Note: This post was split from Thoughts on why nons go back for more... . 

[rotiroti]

From he power of now


"LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIPS Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are “in love,” but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency. It seems that most “love relationships” become love/hate relationships before long. Love can then turn into savage attack, feelings of hostility, or complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch. This is considered normal. If in your relationships you experience both “love” and the opposite of love —attack, emotional violence, and so on —then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your “love” has an opposite, then it is not love but a strong ego-need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meets. It is the ego's substitute for salvation, and for a short time it almost does feel like salvation. But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain, and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the “love relationship” now resurface. Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain. This attack may awaken the partner's own pain, and he or she may counter your attack. At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behavior, so that it can use them again as a cover-up for your pain. Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to —alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person —you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction does that. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever. This is one reason why most people are always trying to escape from the present moment and are seeking some kind of salvation in the future. The first thing that they might encounter if they focused their attention on the Now is their own pain, and this is what they fear. If they only knew how easy it is to access in the Now the power of presence that dissolves the past and its pain, the reality that dissolves the illusion. If they only knew how close they are to their own reality, how close to God. Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. The pain is there anyway. Three failed relationships in as many years are more likely to force you into awakening than three years on a desert island or shut away in your room. But if you could bring intense presence into your aloneness, that would work for you too."

Funny, my ex had that book. She would talk about presence on occasion if I brought it up. Does this mean when we broke up she simply detached from her ego when she met the new guy and that's why they've been together so far?

Are BPD people even capable of that?

I think definitely so! With a weak sense of self, ego/identity what have you can be obtained by the flavor of the moment!

Pretty Woman, weird! my inbox is nowhere near full, I sent you another test pm

[disorderedsociety]

From he power of now


"LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIPS Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are “in love,” but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency. It seems that most “love relationships” become love/hate relationships before long. Love can then turn into savage attack, feelings of hostility, or complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch. This is considered normal. If in your relationships you experience both “love” and the opposite of love —attack, emotional violence, and so on —then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your “love” has an opposite, then it is not love but a strong ego-need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meets. It is the ego's substitute for salvation, and for a short time it almost does feel like salvation. But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain, and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the “love relationship” now resurface. Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain. This attack may awaken the partner's own pain, and he or she may counter your attack. At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behavior, so that it can use them again as a cover-up for your pain. Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to —alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person —you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction does that. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever. This is one reason why most people are always trying to escape from the present moment and are seeking some kind of salvation in the future. The first thing that they might encounter if they focused their attention on the Now is their own pain, and this is what they fear. If they only knew how easy it is to access in the Now the power of presence that dissolves the past and its pain, the reality that dissolves the illusion. If they only knew how close they are to their own reality, how close to God. Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. The pain is there anyway. Three failed relationships in as many years are more likely to force you into awakening than three years on a desert island or shut away in your room. But if you could bring intense presence into your aloneness, that would work for you too."

Funny, my ex had that book. She would talk about presence on occasion if I brought it up. Does this mean when we broke up she simply detached from her ego when she met the new guy and that's why they've been together so far?

Are BPD people even capable of that?

I think definitely so! With a weak sense of self, ego/identity what have you can be obtained by the flavor of the moment!

Pretty Woman, weird! my inbox is nowhere near full, I sent you another test pm

And that's why I felt so bad about leaving. Because I knew the future I wanted without her was a projection. But I also didn't want to stay and raise a kid that wasn't mine. She never cheated, but I withdrew until she started talking to other guys online. I almost don't blame her. And I think if I'd been more present we would've worked. That's why I'm still hurting.

[rotiroti]

Perhaps that could've been the case, but I very much doubt that.


It's the very reason that this board even exists - Until the BPD is able to get better (which is very unlikely), they are doomed to repeat the same mistake until end of time.

No one should be blamed for pursuing a true happy future for themselves, nor for giving love and trusting another person. Perhaps being more present could have prolonged things, but is that what you truly want?

What would being more 'present' mean for you?

For me with my pwBPD definitely meant kowtowing to her needs. That lifestyle was so exhausting and while I'm glad I gave it a shot, the negatives outweighed the good.

[disorderedsociety]

Perhaps that could've been the case, but I very much doubt that.


It's the very reason that this board even exists - Until the BPD is able to get better (which is very unlikely), they are doomed to repeat the same mistake until end of time.

No one should be blamed for pursuing a true happy future for themselves, nor for giving love and trusting another person. Perhaps being more present could have prolonged things, but is that what you truly want?

What would being more 'present' mean for you?

For me with my pwBPD definitely meant kowtowing to her needs. That lifestyle was so exhausting and while I'm glad I gave it a shot, the negatives outweighed the good.

The second I chose presence it would indeed stay the same. She would sit on the laptop, until nighttime, then the request for alcohol would come up. Or she'd want to talk about either getting married or having another kid. Or me moving her and her daughter out of her mom's. If I'd done those things, I imagine it would still come back to one thing or another that she wanted. I gave up all my desires and everything for her, thinking it was meant to be. That living like an ascetic was the way to make her happy. But then when I didn't know what I wanted, sometimes I'd get flak for that. She split me black for a few months instead of forever so she's not on the worst end of the continuum. However she still got with a replacement and decided to have the child she wanted after a month with him. So its hard to say where she is in her development. All I know is I'm well past that level. If I meet someone else I hope they are a better match for me.

[Darsha500]

Thats Makes sense, This is sort of a tangential topic.

here what I posted in reply Disordered.

I think both partners have to be committed to consciousness for their to be any real benefit of being present. Unfortunately, pwBPD lack that capability. It's ironic because me and my ex initially bonded over the power of now when we first met. Mindfulness was my go to when she was dysregulated,mi had to try and distance myself enough from her feelings so that I wouldn't get sucked into them. I'm so empathetic though... .I was always invariably drawn back into her psychic torture chamber.

Here's another passage that I think will clairfy the pwBPDs inability to truly be present. Which actually reminds me of something: transference. This idea that we act out our past relationships and patterns in the present. I think this is what pwBPD do. They are trapped in their past and so have great difficulty being in the now. Just a sort of theory.


FIRST YOU STOP JUDGING YOURSELF; then you stop judging your partner. The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over. There are no victims and no perpetrators anymore, no accuser and accused. This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawn into somebody else's unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue. You will then either separate —in love —or move ever more deeply into the Now together, into Being. Can it be that simple? Yes, it is that simple. Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form.

[disorderedsociety]

Thanks for posting Darsha. I think her form of love just simply doesn't resonate with mine. The transference was very real, as when it was getting close to departure time, she had more recurring dreams about the one before me. The one after me seems more similar to that guy than me. It seems she has to feel pain to feel love and I can't do that to someone.