Physical separation and Legal separation but still doubting

[Joeblur]

Stumbled across this informative site and it opened up a Pandora's box of questions. I think I have been married to a BPD for 15 years and all this time I have always had feelings that something wasn't quite right. I assumed from the manipulation and gaslighting by her that it was me who had issues. After her serious trauma inflicting infidelity I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars attending "healing" workshops across the country for the partner of a "sex addict".  After reading about BPD all the symptoms described fit her to a T. I have been in counseling for the last year describing my situation and never once did the counselor/therapist mention BPD. I just assumed I wasn't loving her correctly or enough and started reading and even attended multiple Christian marriage seminars requiring travel and lodging. It seemed that the more I tried over the last 3 years the worse I felt. Zero reciprocity. I even caught her in multiple lies about spending the night with random sex partners. Every time she claims she loves me and will never do it again and if I leave I will be destroying the family. She blames everything on me and if I leave the kids will be devastated and abandoned by me causing life long trauma. She spends days in bed with depression and was cutting herself and threatening suicide for years before the internet sex hookups. She had phones I never knew about and girlfriends I never met that she would say she was going out with. I moved out 15 months ago and legaly separated for the last 3 months with divorce option in 3 more months. I could write a book about all the ways she has reduced me to "less than". My big question is how do I go about co parenting without questioning if I am doing the right thing. I constantly question myself about trying again. I am a rescuer as my therapist described. Just looking for some advice from someone that has been there, Thanks.

[HappyNihilist]

Hi there, Joeblur, and welcome to the family. I'm glad you found us. You'll find a lot of information, support, and resources here.

I'm sorry you're in a tough situation.  You and your wife have a long history and a family together, you've been through a lot with her. Whether or not she has BPD, it's obvious that she exhibits dysfunctional, destructive traits. You've endured her infidelity, lies, suicide threats, self-harm, and more. That's a lot of pain, stress, and confusion.

It's great that you're in therapy and have already begun to identify what led you into the relationship. 'Rescuers' are very common partners to people with BPD (pwBPD). You'll find a lot of fellow rescuers here.

It's perfectly natural to question yourself. What in particular do you question about trying again?

We also have two boards dedicated to divorce, custody and co-parenting, with very knowledgeable members and a lot of helpful information and support.

Family law, divorce, and custody

Co-parenting after the Split

Again, welcome. It helps to talk.