Mothers last will and testament

[tjoe.frank]

Does anyone have any experience / advice?

My mother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer last year. Right after her diagnosis I made recontact with her after nine years of NC. I thought that she may have gotten better because of her pending mortality.  I even moved my entire family across the country to take care of her.  At the time she was playing the game better than I had ever seen before.  But, After nine days, she blew up again!  

   

During the short "good time" she promised me everything when she died. I am the only child.  Now I do not know what to expect.  Has anyone had any experience contesting a will. I'm not even sure that she has one. But one of her flying monkeys has told me that she said, she is leaving me $1.  

   

I am a successful 25 year veteran of the Armed Forces and have done nothing but try to help my mother my whole life.  

   

H

[Kwamina]

Hi tjoe.frank

I am very sorry that your mother is terminally ill. No matter what, she's still your mother and I can imagine how tough this must be for you.

It's clear that you still care for her very much and even moved your family across the country to take care of her. You say that after 9 days she blew up again. What happened exactly? Do you feel like something might have triggered her, perhaps something innocuous that she perceived as a major slight?

We have a workshop here about the BPD behavior known as splitting that you might find insightful:

Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.

... .

Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces an sense of psychological safety, in fact, it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the borderlines life.

Do you feel like the behavior of 'splitting' fits your mother?

You can read more here: BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

BPD poses us with a harsh reality to accept. Accepting that our parent has BPD also means letting go of the loving 'fantasy' parent we never had, likely won't ever have yet still might long for very much. Do you feel like you've been able to let go of the fantasy parent and accept the fact that your mother might never change her behavior?

I'm glad you are reaching out for support here. Many of our members have parents with BPD and will be able to relate to you.

Take care

[Turkish]

Hello tjoe.frank,

I'd like to join Kwamina in welcoming you here.

You sacrificed a lot to take care of your mother, and it's horrible that she is splitting you black like that. What a slap in the face 

The $1 thing may be some type of legal strategy she heard of in order to make it harder to contest the will after she passes. Do you know if she actually has a will?

We have a legal board on which you may get more specific advice regarding the legal matter specifically.

Family Law, Divorce, and Custody

If you've documented that you've been a care provider (receipts, etc.), that may help if it comes to that.

Turkish

[hopeful12345]

New here too. Graduated University of Hard Knocks.

People who don't make sense and are fractured make no sense and do not behave like others. I have given up trying to figure out my FOO. All of my immediate family is like this and it is very confusing. I was left out of a will. It made no sense, but nothing ever did until I got out of there and saw how normal people live.

I would not feel badly or be puzzled or even pay attention to what she says. Don't have any expectations. Realize that any decision she makes is being made by somebody who is sick.

[Linda Maria]

Hi tjoe.frank!  Sorry to hear of your situation.  I don't have experience of contesting a will though I have been through a nightmare trying to sort out my late mother's estate with my uBPDsis who basically did everything possible to stop things being sorted and to stop me getting any money - we are 50/50 beneficiaries and co-executors.  My mother's will was very straightforward - everything 50/50 but there were properties to sell, and it took over 2 years, and for me to start court proceedings before my sister would co-operate on anything.  It was a nightmare and is still not finished.  Here in the UK, if there is not a will, everything automatically goes to next of kin - so if that's you, that is straightforward.  If she has made a will favouring someone else - it would be difficult to contest unless you could prove she was coerced, or was not of sound mind when she made the will.  Is it possible to ask her to let you see the will, or let you know who it is with - usually if you make a will - it is held by the solicitor who drew it up, and you just have a copy at home.  I can totally understand why you need to know.  I think I would just ask her outright when there is a good time (tricky I know), and ask for a copy.  You can say that - while you don't want that day to come, it will be hard enough when it does, without having to go all through the house to find the will etc.  Ask if anyone else has a copy of it.  I know this is difficult stuff - but you could say that your friend's mother has made a will and they have a copy of it.  If you are an executor of the will - usually the case if you are a main beneficiary - you need to know as you have legal responsibilities, and may be liable for taxes etc.  So you have a genuine need to know.  Good luck!