Blocking cell phone

[Greenleaf23]

I have blocked my ex gf cell phone. I am hoping this will help me feel more free. I tried this for two weeks and I deleted voicemails but I unblocked it and ended up calling her. I left the relationship in May and I just want to feel like I can grieve and move on. My ex is an alcoholic. Does anyone have any experience with blocking numbers and how establishing this boundary helped you heal? Thank you.

[rotiroti]

Going no contact can be a very useful tool in detaching, but in order for it to work, you must be absolutely firm with it.

I tried this for two weeks and I deleted voicemails but I unblocked it and ended up calling her.

What are you doing to work on you? What was the trigger that made you unblock and call?

It's like someone trying to quit smoking, the answer is to not smoke.

For me what really helped was to read everything about BPD, post here, and seeing a therapist. I also ended the r/s around May and haven't looked back since. I can tell you that it will hurt for a long time, but you have all the power within you to start the detaching process.

[Greenleaf23]

I unblocked it because of the two voicemails I deleted. I then got a missed call and a voicemail. She is with someone else so I just want to recover and heal. We talked and she said she was working on herself. This relationship is ruining my life. I unblocked it hopingy.  she would leave me alone. Now I am keeping it blocked. I also received texts but did not read them when i unblocked the number. I ran off with another woman when i told her i was miserable and could not do this anymore. I have not been able to think or make good decisions. It feels like she took over my life. When i talked to her she said she was going crazy because i blocked the number. The only reason i went away with my female friend is because i did not feel safe in my home and my ex showed up trying to suck me back in. This sucks. I have been trying to get out of this mess for a year. I even drove to another state to get away last summer and my ex's mother called me. I am drained and empty. So keep it blocked and what? Should i prepare myself in anyway for anything? I still feel like my life is not my own and this is unnerving. This relationship has made me paranoid, jaded and hopeless. Any words of wisdom would help. This time last year we broke up and i didnt hear from her for a month then she showed up at my home saying she was going crazy. I wish i had told her to get some help but I could not help her. I just got back into it right when i was healing. I could have been free. I feel bound to her and obligated to be there for her. But I am exhausted and just empty. Blocking the number helps me feel like I have some self respect. Woke up with an std and thats when i knew i had to escape. I just need some encouragement that I can get my own life back.

[rotiroti]

Don't be so hard on yourself for going through multiple repeats - many (dare i say the majority) of the posters here on the leaving board have done the same.

You've certainly wrote lots, but it sounds like you have great insight into your situation and into what YOU want:

I still feel like my life is not my own and this is unnerving.

This really stood out for me, what would it mean for you to own up to your own life?

You understand that no one should be responsible for another person's emotional well-being or happiness.

What really helped me move on was realizing a few things along the healing path, here are a few off the top of my head:

1. FOG (Fear, obligation, and guilt) are extremely powerful, but at the end of the day, it's up to us on how to react to it

2. It's important to judge the actions of the BPD. That is the reality of who they are and this is unlikely to change

3. No one can help them besides themselves

4. Understanding my role - that as toxic as this relationship was, it took 2 to tango. Unlike someone with BPD, we have are equipped with more emotional stability that allows us to work on our own issues

there are more that i'll add as I recall them. I know these sound unfeasible, but trust me... I am also 3 months out and once you're emotionally detached, you wil be free to work on you.

[Greenleaf23]

Yes i blame myself for contributing to this destructive relationship. I suppose I always felt like I needed to protect her or give her love. When we first met she said we could not be together. She was further along in alcoholism recovery and I was brand new. I respected her and left her alone. She then asked me out for coffee after calling me. I should have said it is wrong. How I wish I had told her I couldnt be with her. It has been one crazy ride. I just wanted to get sober and fix myself. Now I have to recover from this addiction. One day at a time keeping the number blocked. I just want to quit obsessing and wishing i could hear from her. I feel frizzled and sad. I just want to quit thinking about her.

[rotiroti]

Hey good on you for working on yourself like that! Think about it in terms of AA, when you met members didn't you meet members who were years ahead on the healing path? Haven't you seen people recover from the addiction?

Why couldn't you put yourself to that same standard?

You said it best that this feels like an addiction because guess what? It really is. I have dealt with substance use recovery and can say that this was worse... .but like in any recovery, you need to have a strong support group. It's great that you found this place, but do you have friends and family you can lean on during this time?

[Greenleaf23]

Yes I do. Brother and his wife. They told me to block the number because she was just playing games with me. I just left a quasi relationship thing because I have nothing to give. A person I met showed me how much I was missing in a relationship. It is all so confusing. I just feel stuck and I hope blocking will help me unstick myself. I just hate myself for playing with fire. Did i dodge a bullet by not getting her pregnant or marrying her? She was doing blow that I know about. What other drugs she was doing I have no idea. She said she never lied to me. Only a liar would have to say that. Im just glad i got out even though it hurts now. 

[rotiroti]

Did i dodge a bullet by not getting her pregnant or marrying her?

Well you know her best... .what does an ideal relationship look to you?

BPD or not, it sounds like you were very unhappy with this relationships. The person who showed you how much you were missing in a r/s was absolutely right. Even I see so many red-flags that would be deal-breakers for me:

-lies

-unstable emotionally

-keeping you from recovery

-playing games

and more

I am sure she had good traits too, but don't forget to remember the person as a whole when you evaluate if the r/s is a keeper or not.

[Greenleaf23]

I feel like nothing without her. Guess she realizes that. But I know this is irrational.

She used to tell me she would be jealous of our children because I would love them more. Im glad an innocent child did not get involved in this disaster.

[rotiroti]

I feel like nothing without her. Guess she realizes that. But I know this is irrational.

She used to tell me she would be jealous of our children because I would love them more. Im glad an innocent child did not get involved in this disaster.

I do agree that that is an irrational thought. Certainly I felt that way as well - wouldn't your brother and SIL agree?

Think back to before you met her, didn't you have an identity? The same goes for her - it seems like they need therapy and need rescuing, but pwBPD are the masters of survival. She was fine before she met you and she will be after too.

I agree with you whole-heartedly about what you said about now involving kids or marriage. I couldn't imagine being triangulated with my own son or daughter. That sort of pain would be endlessly worse than the fleeting pain you feel now.

You've been given a ticket to live life however you want... .

[Greenleaf23]

She showed up at 2 in the morning drunk.