Accountability

[Ripped Heart]

Yesterday evening, I found myself in a position I never thought I would see happen.

For the longest time, I've always been the type of person who takes responsibility for other peoples actions, the first to apologise even when I'm not at fault and non-confrontational where there is an injustice. Through therapy I've learned how to enforce my own boundaries and how to hold others accountable for their actions. This has gone very well in respect of friends, family and co-workers but I still have those moments (especially around strangers) where I tend to overthink a situation and according to my therapist have too much empathy at times.

For example, I had an altercation with my boss a while back for which he was entirely at fault and instead of calling him out on it, I held back. The reasons being that his wife is a control freak, his child was ill so I accepted that his outburst may have something to do with the pressures of his personal life at that moment.

Now that I have custody of my daughters, I have to be seen to set an example so they don't pick up these habits too and don't get walked over as they get older. This has meant a lot of changes for me in having to become a little more brutal around situations and also learning to identify in advance. This is something that is extremely difficult for me to do living with Aspergers. It's much easier with friends and family because I've studied them and learned them. Strangers can be a minefield for me as I tend to miss the cues.

However, in the case of D10 a couple of weeks ago. She did a cheerleading competition and afterwards put her costume away in the bag. These are kept by the instructors and putting costumes away is a process that has to be perfect. Just as we were leaving the competition, one of the instructors came up to d10 and started yelling at her for not doing as she was told and for screwing her costume up in a ball and leaving it on the floor. She actually threw the skirt at d10 before storming off. Obviously d10 was a little upset because the skirt wasn't hers and her costume was put away tidily. It turns out that another girl had a costume that was too short and d10 had one that was too long so they were swapped last year. However, the other girl never changed the name inside so it still has d10's name in there.

I had a chat with the instructor. Basically, had d10 not done as she had been asked, I could understand what unfolded and that I would have had a conversation with her about it too. However, the fact that she wasn't given the opportunity to explain she wasn't at fault and had to endure the outburst without so much as an apology once it had been resolved was unfair. The instructor did apologise and the situation resolved.

Last night myself and d4 were crossing a road at a crossing. A car came speeding around the corner with the driver looking behind him talking to someone in the back. I had to pull d4 back and just shook my head at the driver which he did not like at all. We crossed the road and the car actually turned around and came back with the driver starting to yell. I explained that he didn't stop at the crossing which he is legal obliged to do and almost ran over a 4 year old child as a result of his dangerous driving.

Realising what had just happened, he offered an apology and then added a BUT. His reasoning was it was a blind bend so how was he supposed to know there was a crossing there. I explained that a) there is a slow sign leading into the bend, b) he came around the corner at speed, c) he wasn't even looking where he was going and d) it's not a blind bend and everyone else manages to stop there just fine.

He was a little frustrated because in his view he had apologised but as I explained to him, an apology isn't an apology if you are going to place the blame on other factors when the fault lays entirely at your feet (quite literally) He thought about it for a second and then apologised again without any excuses. I thanked him and we both went on our way.

Both of these situations are something I would have dreamed about doing several months ago and in both situations, the issue was diffused the moment accountability was taken onboard. I look back on r/s with exBPDgf and there were so many times like that I should have spoken up but never did, instead choosing to take responsibility myself for the actions and behaviours of others. I'm glad I have the opportunity to see these things now and in the same respect passing this down to my daughters too. On the other side too, also trying to teach them that when the responsibility lies with you, taking ownership and apologising is the right way to act, that it's a 2 way street and that being sincere is better for all involved.

[enlighten me]

Hi ripped heart

I really liked this post. I see myself the same way that I avoided confrontation and the cost of myself.

I too have been working on this. I find it a balancing act. Its very easy to swing the complete opposite way.

[eeks]

Both of these situations are something I would have dreamed about doing several months ago and in both situations, the issue was diffused the moment accountability was taken onboard. I look back on r/s with exBPDgf and there were so many times like that I should have spoken up but never did, instead choosing to take responsibility myself for the actions and behaviours of others. I'm glad I have the opportunity to see these things now and in the same respect passing this down to my daughters too. On the other side too, also trying to teach them that when the responsibility lies with you, taking ownership and apologising is the right way to act, that it's a 2 way street and that being sincere is better for all involved.

It warms my heart to know you are breaking this cycle, for yourself but especially for your daughters.  In the kind of conflict situations you talk about, when an adult was angry at me about my (actual or supposed) actions, my mother forced me to say what the person wanted to hear (apologize, express gratitude, whatever) and get out of there asap.  She says that she was teaching me to protect myself, but at the time there was no empathy talk with her afterwards, let alone during, where she considered my intentions and rights.

So it takes self-awareness and courage to do what you're doing, and I'm glad.