My ex BPD partner hasn't reached out is this out of character?

[Depression = 72% of members]

If been reading all the things I can on BPD and Im just wondering because I'm really struggling if it's at all normal at all that they don't reach out and I'm the one always chancing her,  we were together 6 years and there was alot of recycling like crazy I mean like over 20 times easy,  but this time she simply said it was over and has not reached out in anyway at all,  won't even return msgs from day one of the break up,  the final break up,  we were nc for 2 to 3 months until I bumped into her the other day which has really screwed my up completely again it feels like day1 all over again.  I guess I'm wondering if this is a normal behaviour or not,  like completely cut off from everything to do with her,  had any1 had this happen,  she is now had a few guys but was recently in another relationship which ice heard they have some rather big fights and I'm unsure they are even together atm,  I would imagine they are from what I have heard.  It's just so confusing why the last 5 or so times of us breaking up she just cuts it off and that's it doesn't make any effort at all to work it out until I'm in tears at her door step,  this whole relationship has made me feel like I'm the crazy one just failing to understand her motives I guess,  I know I want to and need to let go and move on but it seems over the last couple months I've made no real progress... .

[helpmewithbpd]

If been reading all the things I can on BPD and Im just wondering because I'm really struggling if it's at all normal at all that they don't reach out and I'm the one always chancing her,  we were together 6 years and there was alot of recycling like crazy I mean like over 20 times easy,  but this time she simply said it was over and has not reached out in anyway at all,  won't even return msgs from day one of the break up,  the final break up,  we were nc for 2 to 3 months until I bumped into her the other day which has really screwed my up completely again it feels like day1 all over again.  I guess I'm wondering if this is a normal behaviour or not,  like completely cut off from everything to do with her,  had any1 had this happen,  she is now had a few guys but was recently in another relationship which ice heard they have some rather big fights and I'm unsure they are even together atm,  I would imagine they are from what I have heard.  It's just so confusing why the last 5 or so times of us breaking up she just cuts it off and that's it doesn't make any effort at all to work it out until I'm in tears at her door step,  this whole relationship has made me feel like I'm the crazy one just failing to understand her motives I guess,  I know I want to and need to let go and move on but it seems over the last couple months I've made no real progress... .

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Im so aorry, mine has not reach out.  I undetstand.  It is hatd.  She may one day when she meeds something.  Please use this time for yourself.   Sorry again

[helpmewithbpd]

Yeah earlier on like 3 years into we split up she reached out but this time in the last 12 months she has never really reached out it,  I guess I just have to wait,  I wish we could be friends down the road when we are both not emotionally involved any more but she said the other day that it will never ever happen and I just have to accept it,  it's hard because she has a 13 year old boy I love like my own

[Herodias]

I hate to say it, but mine stopped when he had someone else to occupy his time... .He continued to call when he needed something, like they have said. But usually he begged to come back in the past.  This time, he wanted out and said too much has happened between us. They usually start to devalue you when you take them back too many times... .I would try your hardest to work on yourself and ask yourself if you really want to be in it. I thought I did, but the more I am away from it, the stronger I have become. We split in Jan. We continued to talk until May when I found out he had a gf. We still fought and talked until July when he was traveling with her and I said enough to myself. He kept calling me when he needed something. Now he knows I am no longer interested and he is not in touch unless to tell me my alimony is in the bank. I will not respond at all anymore, because there is no point. We will be divorced in Jan. I am sure he has plans to live with if not marry this next one. I am also sure he is cheating on her and gas-lighting her now... .I no longer want the abuse. I am trying to focus more of his narcissist side which helps me to recover. Thinking "poor guy with mental illness" is what kept me with him for 8 years! Our wedding anniversary is a week from today. I am saddened to think my marriage was so full of pain and anguish and I am upset with myself that I took so long to be done. All I can say is keep the mantra "move on, move on"... .Don't think if it's meant to be they will come back- I did that too and it didn't get me anywhere except back for more abuse-only worse. I am sorry for you. We are all in lots of pain here... .I was just dreaming about telling his gf all about him this morning as she knows nothing. I can't get it out of my head, so I understand. It takes time and your finding something else to take up your time... .best wishes.

[helpmewithbpd]

I  can understand everything your saying it was really similar to me,  when she had a new partner last time we spilt she didn't want to lose me as a friend and kept calling every now and then,  that all changes in the last year or so and this time there nothin at all in anyway at all,  just like I've been completely wiped like I never excited,  no reach out at all for any thing at all,  I know they are very stubborn and try to prove to them selfs that they don't need us,  it just hurts I guess.  Just fail to understand why it's so different this time to every other time... . 

[helpmewithbpd]

Does any1 else have any advice on this at all,  I know I'm probably over thinking it and all that I'm just really struggling to understand it.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi There,

   I am in your shoes, friend. I have no idea if she will ever reach out. She's more upset her ex three before me Un friended her on FB. I guess she ranted about that for two weeks. Tosses me like trash. 

It hurts to be discarded. It sounds like you and I have some abandonment issues ourselves.

It's been almost four months. Her last words to me were: You are my best friend nothing's going to change, we will still hang out.

Guess not. Not that I could accept that. She left me for someone else.

It's painful. It sucks. It is what it is. Each day gets better but it's hard. No one rational does this to another person. Just keep remembering that. This isn't normal behavior. 

[Pretty Woman]

And she's recycled me twice. We've split probably 12x in 3yrs. This year we went 8mo without one.

[SGraham]

I think it varies person to person. Ive been NC for about three months since my b/u and i honestly doubt she will ever reach out to me.

[helpmewithbpd]

Yeah is definitely hard I'm not even sure why I want to friends,  well I do for her son so I can see him,  I asked he the other day when I bumped into if we could be friends so I could see her son down the track but she twisted it around saying she doesn't want to be friends with someone for the underlying reason of being friends with her son if that's the only reason and I just have to accept that I won't be able to see him and that's all there is to it

[hergestridge]

We were together 20 years and never re-cycled. I never had the urge to. I can tell you how it worked for us (bear in mind we have a child together):

In the first 4-5 months after our breakup she reached out to me sporadically and she was partially sympathetic towards me and seemed to idealize the time we had had together. Then she met a new partner who seemed committed to her. Then she stopped reaching out in the romantic sense and only contacted me when she had complaints. She is now very unsympathetic towards me and has a whole new way (negative) way of viewing our time together.

All this regardless of my response. I basically never reply to her messages or return her calls unless strictly necessary. It's all in her head.

Thinking back this was the pattern even when were together. When she was lonely and scared she said she loved me and reached out. When she found friends and support she turned against me and accused me of all sorts of things.

She has described to me how she betrayed her best childhood friend this way at age 9. She couldn't stand being a "couple" with her, so when she became friends with a "gang" she stared to bully her old friend and felt awful because of it. She still blamed her friend though, attributing all kind of negative features that had nothing to do with this betrayal.

I saw a very striking meme posted on facebook the other day that said "If you're the only one being nice to her, then you're being too nice to her.", and that is pretty much the situation you are in when your BPD ex partner reaches out. There's just no one else to call at the moment, so you will do.

[balletomane]

Everyone is different. I noticed that my BPD partner got back in touch with two of his former exes about a year after their breakup, when he was recycling me. He never told me they were talking again; I just saw he had re-added them on Facebook. A few months later, he'd deleted them again. I don't know if they took the initiative or if he did, because he didn't say anything to me about it (another of the red flags I ignored - if you're reconciling with previous partners I think it's good to discuss it with your current partner, not because I'm a particularly jealous person but because it just seems like something a normal communicative couple would share). So he may reach out or he may not. Even though a lot of the time I want him to, I would never break NC myself because finally walking (crawling) away allowed me to salvage some dignity from the situation - it showed him that finally I had had enough, that I wasn't willing to accede to his unreasonable expectations and selfish requests (such listening to him when he'd been self-harming and didn't feel able to tell the new gf, but otherwise never seeing him). NC gave me some power back. He was too used to having everything his way, with me bending over backwards to accommodate him. I am not sure he would reach out if he knows that from now on that's not how it's going to be. These days I have a less flexible spine and I think he senses that.

[Beach_Babe]

She's more upset her ex three before me Un friended her on FB. I guess she ranted about that for two weeks. Tosses me like trash. 

same thing here  . All he cared about is what other people thought. i didnt matter

[OnceConfused]

Attachment will lead to your suffering.

She came as a package with her son, when she left the package went with her as well. If her son wants to keep contact with you, then he can do its on his own accord or when he turns 18.  Don't force your r.s on HIM. That is not your place nor your responsibility to see him, without the parent's consent.

Your r.s with your xBPD ended so why would you expect her to reach out to you?  Once your r.s has crossed over the threshold from pure platonic friendship  to an intimate one, then going back to friendship often does not work (because you would have revealed so much of yourself, and now you are very vulnerable).  You left the r.s because of some conflicts or hurt then going back only brings out those painful memory. WHy go there? Would it be better to start afresh with a new clean sheet, instead of a sheet filled with erasure?

[McKenzie]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's all really overwhelming and hard to understand, but maybe people on this forum can help you digest the situation better.

After I went full NC in February my ex hasn't reached out. It would be difficult for him, I've blocked him everywhere. We still live in the same city and could bump into each other, but it's also possible that we don't and I'd prefer it that way. I tried to become his friend first, because I wanted him in my life so dearly when I was going through the post-breakup. I remained in contact with him and as time passed, I slowly realised that I don't want this person in my life. I blocked him everywhere and never explained why, I just did.

I know this may sound brutal, but remaining friends with her for her son may not be any better than the roller coaster you've been in for the past years. What kind of friendship do you expect to get? Are there any other reasons why you need to remain in contact with her besides her son? Is there any, even the slightest possibility you could remain in contact with the son but not her?

Also, you're not crazy. It's very common to feel like you're the crazy one after being discarded, but you're not. After 6 hard years of emotional investment, it must feel terrible to let go and even more terrible to witness their family disappear with them.

If I've understood your first post correctly, you've tried to make an impossible thing work 6 times, for 6 years. You're a resilient person. As horrible as it may feel, now is the time to give yourself that time and care. You need distance to think this through and to gain strength and confidence in yourself.

I hope I don't sound too harsh, I certainly don't mean to. Lots of good luck!

[helpmewithbpd]

Thanks for all the response,  iIguess the bottom line is iIjust need to get used to the idea she has a new partnership / relationship and I need to respect the fact it's out with the old and in with the new kind of thing and no e on and stop thinking about it and worry about my own head and not hers as hard as it is i hope that I will get there very soon

[JRT]

Sorry Help

For me, its been coming upon 12 months that mine notified me via text that 'our relationship is over', moved out and blocked me from all forms of contact. I have not heard a word from her since then... .except (especially recently) she has been stalking me... .I am pretty sure that she has hit bottom and has few coping mechanisms... .this, as you know, is often what it takes.

[helpmewithbpd]

Yeah its just hard because i care so much about her and her child and never want to see anything bad happen to them,  iI know it's not my responsibility any more but it's hard not to worry about them,  iIguess iIsaid I'd always be there and she said she hoped iI would be then we recently bumped into each other and I was complete ass about things so know she would be thinking I'm just a pig and hating on me,  as i said iIneed to stop living in her head and start living in mine. 

[Pretty Woman]

HelpMe,

  I feel for you, esp being there is a child involved.  It is really, really hard. 

I will tell you this... .that child will not forget you and as other posters mentioned, you may get contact eventually. Unfortunately you are not a legal parent and you cannot violate your ex's boundary not to contact them.

I myself am a mess over a dog. I know it's not the same but there is an attachment there.

It sucks, man. The hardest part about moving forward is you feel you are letting someone else down.

It's beyond your control. Right now, you are what matters and we are here to help however we can.

You matter. Your feelings matter and are validated here. Keep on expressing yourself on this forum. With each day and word I promise you will grow stronger.

PW