How are you coping... share your journey... from one day to years of victory

[Depression = 72% of members]

Can you guys share some of your experiences with going NC.

Do you consider when they contact you still NC?

How long was it for you until you stopped anticipating contact... .obsessively?

And any other information you could share for those who are just in the beginning stages I think would be very helpful.

And of course sharing your breakthroughs would be great would be quite encouraging.

Rameses

[Rameses]

Can you guys share some of your experiences with going NC.

Do you consider when they contact you still NC?

How long was it for you until you stopped anticipating contact... .obsessively?

And any other information you could share for those who are just in the beginning stages I think would be very helpful.

And of course sharing your breakthroughs would be great would be quite encouraging.

Rameses

[greenmonkey]

I have been very strict no contact for approaching 10 months now.

I am slightly different as I initiated the no contact and got her out of my life, swiftly and quickly.

She has persisted to stalk me from the very beginning, turning up all hours, phone calls etc. I moved so it would be nearly a 200 mile round trip for her to get anywhere near me. Despite that she is still turning up weekly near enough, she cyber stalks my daughter (her newest trick on LinkedIn).

She is blocked on my phone, I deleted the email address she had, my FB is on lockdown and has been for a very long while, my landline has a call blocker on it so all withheld numbers are cut off, I have CCTV around the house.

I have 90% of my life back apart from this little blip. Once I moved away life became easier and I could relax and get on with my life better. I do charity rides now (long distance), I am also doing CX training with a view to racing at the end of the season and I have also taken up adrenaline kicking mountain biking. I have been promoted at work to management level and life is generally good. I am very happily single and have a good social life.

It can get better it all depends on how much contact you want to have - I chose zero but the downside is the stalking etc. All in all very strict NC was the best thing I did and I am a whole new upgraded me from when I first met her. I have changed for the better, worked on me and still am.

[valet]

Hey Rameses, no contact can be a very valuable tool in the detachment process. First and foremost, it is meant as a means to provide space for ourselves. It is our self-appropriated time to re-balance and find our emotional center again. When we are emotionally centered, we are thinking more clearly, and thus, are in a better position to make decisions.

Everyone moves through detachment at their own pace. It depends on the specific details of your relationship and where you are personally. No two people are the same. This applies to relationships as well.

I won't sugarcoat it. The beginning stages of any separation are going to be rough, whether or not NC is used. There's a lot at stake for us emotionally. This is amplified by the nature of our relationships, especially when we suspect that our partner is on the cluster-b continuum.

There's a lot of valuable information in the LESSONS thread at the top of this board that you may be interested in reading. I'd also recommend looking at the workshops.

[rotiroti]

I found n/c to a useful tool in detaching. Like ripping off a band-aid, it hurt incredibly initially but it really accelerated my healing process. It helped me detach to start working on myself.

As a tool it can be helpful if you are ready to stick to it. With BPDs it's important to have firm boundaries, and falling back would be detrimental to both parties. Is n/c a solution to all situations? No, and it's not for everyone.

I am 3 months out of the r/s and my emotional well-being feels like night and day. This article (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm) on no contact was really helpful, it outlines the following key ideas behind going n/c:


~   to get the partner out of your day-to- day life,


~   to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,


~   to take them out of your vision of the future,


~   to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and


~   to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

Do you consider when they contact you still NC?

Yes, I believe as long as you don't engage. My ex tried everything to reach me, but I did not budge. I know that n/c is working for me and that if I choose to contact her again in the future I can do so when I am ready.

How long was it for you until you stopped anticipating contact... .obsessively?

I think about a month or two?

[Darsha500]

Hey there,

I was actually thinking of posting about the signs I've noticed lately, which suggest to me that I have made a lot of headway in the detachment process.

I opted to go NC immediately upon breaking up. I told her that, though I knew she wished we could remain friends, I thought it best that we not be in contact with one another. I subsequently blocked her on all fronts.

Initially I was secretly hoping that she would somehow find a way to contact me. Which she did, actually, over an email address I did not have. I actually did email her back, breaking NC, with a video to give myself closure.

Sometimes I do wonder how I would respond if she were to somehow get in touch with me. Its as if I have been conditioned to think she has sent me an email or texted me, whenever I hear my iPhone. However, because I've come so far in my detachment process, i feel confident that I will keep to the straight and narrow should she turn up in my life. So, that obsession, I think there still is little bit of it present within me, but it has certainly deadened significantly since the early days.

What I have been telling myself lately is to sort of imagine that she is dead.   Kind of drastic, but it reinforces this idea within me that there is no going back. As if my house burned down. Tragedy struck, and there is really no choice other than moving forward. Yes, In the beginning it felt as if I was dragging a iron ball strapped to my leg, but as time has gone on the weight has become progressively lighter. We will eventually become more interested in looking ahead than looking backwards. That is one of the insights provided on this sight, and I've found it to be true.

Let me share some of the latest indicators of my progress.

Whereas before I had ABSOLUTELY NO MOTIVATION to work on finding a job, which was one of my projects before sh!t hit the fan with my ex, I have just this week finally been willing to get back to work on a cover letter. Not only that, I'm actually excited about working on it. Thats huge, I have to give myself a pat on the back for that.

Whereas, in the early days, I really wasn't able to connect with any joyousness or free spiritedness while interacting with others, I have progressively been able to behave like the old me with friends. As I was hanging out with a women last night, I realized how wonderful it was to be talking to someone without the anxiety and insanity associated with BPD. It was very liberating and eye opening. There is no reason to settle.

Oh and here is an interesting one. I now notice myself whenever I second guess or doubt myself and take swift corrective action. During my relationship, I was constantly judging my every behavior, "wait, no don't do that." I'd tell myself. Or get in some debate in my head about - I don't know - turning on a fan or saying something to her. Now I notice immediately when I doubt my actions, and am able to act more freely. Its so quick that no one would every guess that i have those little moments of self-doubt.

As many others have attested to on here, It gets better. I had to just take their word for it, but now am finally really starting to reap the fruits. I'll be 8 weeks out tomorrow.

Others here have quoted a line from Robert Frost, "the way out is through." I love that line. I think it certainly holds true for the detachment process. You simply have to keep your head down and charge forth. "accept the pain, always forgive. learn the sound of following all thats complete" thats a line from a song I sing to myself that comforts me.

Good luck Rameses.

[Skip]

I changed the title from: NC… how are you coping... .share your journey... .from one day to years of victory

to: How are you coping... .share your journey... .from one day to years of victory

Let's not "celebrate" "no contract" as an accomplishment. Or exclude those that din't or no longer need "no contact".  :)etachment is the accomplishment.

Celebrating "no contact" in a break-up is like a man with a broken leg celebrating 5 weeks of being on crutches.

Better to celebrate the healing bone or the ability to walk.

Better to celebrate our ability to separate, learn, and grow.

[saintgrey]

Something that really help me was changing my ringtones, specially the IM tones; it made me let go of that tiny hope overtime i heard the sound thinking it was her.

[enlighten me]

I changed my ex wifes ringtone to gold digga. I know it was wrong but it had the affect to make me giggle when she called as opposed to cringing.

I did change it off of that when my boys were with me though. Didn't want hem to think of me a petty even though I was being.

[HappyNihilist]

I was in 'controlled content' low contact with my exBPDbf for the first year after our breakup. The 'controlled content' started getting much less controlled at the end of that year, and then I found out he was engaged. I wished him happiness and expressed my gratitude and appreciation, but I made it clear that I didn't want to be part of any triangulation because it wasn't fair to any of us. I didn't tell him never to contact me again, because I didn't feel the need. We haven't talked in 7 months.

Honestly, I just had a weird relationship, even by BPD standards. My exbf was in his way committed to my healing, detachment, and recovery, sometimes more than I was. It irritates the hell out of me how accurately he sees me and how well he understands me.   

The 'controlled content' (neutral talk) still threw me for an emotional loop, just because seeing his name pop up on my phone (and especially hearing his voice) triggered me regardless of the content. He worked on his side to keep me grounded, and was careful to end conversations when my side started veering off neutrality or when I started having obvious trouble keeping my composure. He even blocked me on text a couple of times, when I said something particularly disturbing to him that indicated I was still 'stuck.'

rotiroti posted a link to a great article, "No Contact" the Right Way and the Wrong Way. I just wanted to share this particular excerpt, too.

If you really don't want to "disconnect", if you're hurt and timid and it's not a high priority get healthy, you will find many reasons not to do the obvious. Or, even more common, if you are still holding out some hope, or are strugglng with uncertainty, you will likely fear the permanence of such action and purposely select something ineffective and secretly hope that it fails. Let's call all of this, "dubious intent."

The problem with the oft suggested "No Contact" tactics (blocking the e-mails, and silence) is that, when coupled with "dubious intent", they can easily be misdirected into ways to vent anger, to punish, to manipulate, to make a statement, to defend a principle, to make someone appreciate you, to try to force someone to listen to you, ... .to even win some one back (?).

None of this is healthy disengagement. This is only advancing a dysfunctional relationship to a higher level of dysfunctionally.

Healthy disengagement is the way to detachment and recovery. When we engage in No Contact without the sincere commitment to detach, we have to be careful not to lose the focus - which is that NC is a tool that helps us disengage.

"No contact" is, after all, just that - a tool. It's up to us to use it for our own benefit and well-being, to learn it and practice it, with our ultimate goal (our own detachment and healing) always in mind.

[balletomane]

I was lucky because my best friend got married three months after the breakup and I hadn't seen her in eight years, so during those devastating initial weeks I had the prospect of a reunion and an international trip to look forward to. Having something nice to think about really helped. So did going to a country I'd never visited before and that consequently had no association with my ex. It enabled me to make new friends and made me want to socialise more. I realised how isolated I'd been because of my ex - he pretty much became my world.

Concentrating hard on my PhD also helped. I got more done in the months following the breakup than I did in all the time I was with him. I was determined that I wasn't going to let him pull me down. I look at my work, and while it's stressful and anxiety-provoking, I can see my progress and I'm proud.