Today is the first day in quite a while ive really struggled

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I hope that i can pull myself out of this because it's been unproductive and reminds me of how i was last year.

The cause was my BPDex reaching out to me a couple of days ago with a ridiculous request, just trying to use me. It was pretty horrible because it shows that "ignoring me" etc she can overwrite that if she needs something so she's not doing it because she is in pain or whatever.

I have been mourning the friendship today. I don't even recognise her anymore. I declined the request as it was frankly disrespectful but I was very polite and asked how she was doing, only to be ignored and she vanished again. I just still sometime struggle to belive the utter selfishness she demonstrates, back when we were best friends before the relationship stuff i never saw her like this.

I haven't done much self work lately so I need to get back on track.

[Infern0]

I hope that i can pull myself out of this because it's been unproductive and reminds me of how i was last year.

The cause was my BPDex reaching out to me a couple of days ago with a ridiculous request, just trying to use me. It was pretty horrible because it shows that "ignoring me" etc she can overwrite that if she needs something so she's not doing it because she is in pain or whatever.

I have been mourning the friendship today. I don't even recognise her anymore. I declined the request as it was frankly disrespectful but I was very polite and asked how she was doing, only to be ignored and she vanished again. I just still sometime struggle to belive the utter selfishness she demonstrates, back when we were best friends before the relationship stuff i never saw her like this.

I haven't done much self work lately so I need to get back on track.

[enlighten me]

Hi Inferno

Im sorry your feeling like this. I can understand how hurtful it is being contacted because they want something. My exs have both done this.

What helped me was learning about emotional immaturity and seeing it from a childs perspective. A child wants something doing. They reach out to someone that they think can do it for them. They get told no so move on and ask someone else. A child doesnt consider peoples feelings. All they see is they need something doing and that's all that concerns them at that time.

I find it hard to be angry at a child. Im not saying this approach will work for you just that it has for me.

I also don't recognise my exs. I wonder how much was a lie on their behalf and how much was me seeing what I wanted to see.

All the best

EM

[once removed]

hey infern0 

grieving and mourning, in general, are not unproductive. thats not to say it cant reach unhealthy points; im not sure thats what youre describing. it sounds like you are having difficulty squaring some of her actions with the person youve known. that is entirely understandable, it is as surreal experience as ive ever known, personally.

as you know, a relationship with a pwBPD gets much more difficult to navigate the closer you get. therefore, its also understandable that her actions would differ strongly from the person you were best friends with before the relationship began. that doesnt make it less surreal, or her disregard and disrespect any less painful.

advice: let yourself feel it all. let yourself grieve. there is typically nothing wrong with self improvement. think of the workaholic though, who shuts out the rest of his life while pouring himself into his work. thats no way to grieve. its okay to struggle, really struggle, or struggle more than we have in a while. we are here to help you through all the steps.

[Infern0]

hey infern0 

grieving and mourning, in general, are not unproductive. thats not to say it cant reach unhealthy points; im not sure thats what youre describing. it sounds like you are having difficulty squaring some of her actions with the person youve known. that is entirely understandable, it is as surreal experience as ive ever known, personally.

as you know, a relationship with a pwBPD gets much more difficult to navigate the closer you get. therefore, its also understandable that her actions would differ strongly from the person you were best friends with before the relationship began. that doesnt make it less surreal, or her disregard and disrespect any less painful.

advice: let yourself feel it all. let yourself grieve. there is typically nothing wrong with self improvement. think of the workaholic though, who shuts out the rest of his life while pouring himself into his work. thats no way to grieve. its okay to struggle, really struggle, or struggle more than we have in a while. we are here to help you through all the steps.

i'm stuck in a weird place at the moment.

I have come to the stage where I realize that the pain of the relationship was mostly caused by my own codependency and foo issues.

It's been a hard 12 months or so, I have had to come to terms with the fact that I was an abused child and i've lived my whole life people pleasing and codepenent, and it's affected all areas of my life. How to begin being "normal" when you have never known what it's like?

On the other side of things i have never had longer than 4 weeks of NC, so it's hard to stay focused on my own healing with her still being in fairly regular contact.

The thing that hurt the most is that she wanted me to do something for her and laced the request with the possibility of us getting back together if i did it for her. how insulting//

[once removed]

infern0, this is the most open and vulnerable i have seen you be yet on these boards, and i am personally really proud of you for that. what guts.

"I have come to the stage where I realize that the pain of the relationship was mostly caused by my own codependency and foo issues."

first of all, whatever it was caused by, your pain is valid. you are not alone in this relationship opening up some very primal wounds. i remember just after i learned about BPD. i felt so much better. i drove myself to jack in the box. i was happily singing along with whatever music i brought. on my way home a little voice in my head said to me "she hurt me so bad" and it took me some time to stop crying after that. i felt weak. for so much of the relationship i could not stand my ex and longed for any time i could get to myself. i think it took guts to admit that she hurt me, in spite of my pride. none of that speaks to the compounded pain of growing up in an abusive house hold: only that its strength to admit we have been hurt; to acknowledge our own hurt, and to have someone else acknowledge it.

"It's been a hard 12 months or so, I have had to come to terms with the fact that I was an abused child and i've lived my whole life people pleasing and codepenent, and it's affected all areas of my life. How to begin being "normal" when you have never known what it's like?"

its hard to even know where to start. i shed some tears for you and your childhood  . its been an incredibly hard 12 months. i would venture to say its nowhere near long enough to come to terms with being an abused child. its a great question that you ask about being "normal" when you havent known what its like. abuse becomes a norm. love equates with pain, or what is ultimately painful. these things become our "normal". they become reality. its a testament to you that you recognize that abuse is not "normal". its a harder task to fully integrate such a concept. i can tell you, i have always been able to lay out, on paper, what a happy, healthy relationship is. i have never once lived it. it isnt the same experience, at all, but my idea of what is "normal" is definitely skewed on some level. i can assure you that it exists. i can assure you that youre asking the right questions in trying to achieve it. on a basic level, normal is contrary to what you have experienced, and in that regard, its scary; or its boring. or its "incompatible". or its just abnormal. 

"On the other side of things i have never had longer than 4 weeks of NC, so it's hard to stay focused on my own healing with her still being in fairly regular contact."

i think i understand this. its not just the constant contact during the relationship. its the reliability of contact over a period of time. its only been about 10 days, do i have that right? not to reduce it to a mere addiction, but its natural that youd feel these kind of reactions over either four weeks or longer. you are used to a pattern (or several) of behavior over a certain amount of time.

"The thing that hurt the most is that she wanted me to do something for her and laced the request with the possibility of us getting back together if i did it for her. how insulting//"

its incredibly insulting. i wont waste a lot of time on why approached things that way. youre fairly accustomed to her behavior at this point. it makes it hurt no less when someone we care for treats us this way. its natural to be both hurt and angry, when we are treated this way by a loved one. i dont mean stay stuck in it; i mean, again, let yourself feel, validate your pain. thats lousy behavior. who wouldnt be hurt by it?

[patientandclear]

Infern0, agree with the comment that it's good to see you processing this stuff with such vulnerability and openness.

As to her most recent contact and the request ... .There came a point for me when I had to back out of what had been a very close post-r/ship intimate friendship with my ex. It came when he crossed over to manipulating my feelings for him in a fairly crude way to get his needs met. We had been what felt like a place of integrity. From that point on it started to feel like he was using and manipulating me. I needed not to let that continue. Having what we're very pure and sincere feelings for him, feelings I had set aside out of respect for his limits, pushed like buttons to get emotional goodies he needed, felt different and awful.

I'll say a yucky part of recent events with him is that I think he now thinks I do that to him. I would never do so. I have always respected his boundaries and haven chosen not to manipulate him and the hurts and fears I know he has, to try to get what I want in the r/ship. I've been honest with him about my limits and needs and he sort of pretends he never heard them when they get in the way of him getting what he wants short term.  Then when I assert my limits he somehow converts that into me not respecting his.

Bottom line: it feels terrible for either person to manipulate the other person's vulnerable places or pure feelings of love in order to get their needs met. We need not to do it (and you clearly have chosen not to manipulate this woman). And when they do it, we need to not allow that to work, and we need to recognize it for what it is, as you are here. It's kind of the opposite of loving.