It feels like I'm starting to hit my threshold.

[misuniadziubek]

I had three months of a pretty wonderful relationship. It left me thinking that maybe we could manage. It made me consider actually getting married eventually.

But the past two weeks, he's been dysregulating so intensely because of the stresses of his life (starting school again) and it's hard for me to be around him when he becomes a tornado unexpectedly. It ends pretty quickly, but again, I'm the one who can't recover so quickly

Even the wrong glance, wrong answer to a question, not being quick enough leaves him raging. I don't know how to be around him when he's like a grenade and I never know what removes the pin.

I don't have the mental energy to do anything in the moment.

Oh right. I'm exhausted.

[OnceConfused]

Perhaps you should look at the ending of your r.s from positive aspects:

1. it is painful now, but with so little time invested you have not wasted much. Imagine you married for 5 , 10 years with children and you have to live under his dysregulation - that would be an eternity in hell.

2. I don't know whether you have had any normal relationship before. But I can tell you a normal loving r.s should bring you to new heights in life and not new lows. I have been in both and I can tell you that there are so many normal people out there, waiting for you.

3. You have been walking on eggshells with this man, guess what I did the same with the xBPDgf. 8 years later, I am still having cold sweats thinking what would happen to me, my children and my business, had I stayed with xBPDgf. I would be dead by now from stress.

4. Be happy

[helpmewithbpd]

This really hit home reading this,as much as iwait for my ex to contact me reading the last comment really stuck home iIthink i would die at an early age if i was to stay with my with ex from stress,  now I'm out maybe the stress or breaking up is nothing compared to the stress I would have is i was to stay

[misuniadziubek]

Well, I've invested two years into it so far. I don't think I want to move on from him. I just have a higher self-preservation reflex than I did 4 months ago. This feels too much. I don't think I can handle this. I must abandon ship

I wish he would consider DBT. He's under a lot of stress at the moment and it's making him impossible to be around at times. If he's raging at objects, it's inevitable that he starts raging at me as well. I know it's just his emotions. It's not personal, but when I'm not strong enough, I'm simply not strong enough. I need to leave. Leaving definitely helps.

[Notwendy]

Mis,

First, I want to commend you on the emotional growth you have demonstrated since you have been on this board.

One reason in general not to tell someone in the midst of a relationship to stay or to leave is that in order for that person to decide - in their own hearts- what is best for them requires them to grow into that conclusion- whatever that is.

Emotional growth is necessary in either way- for the relationship to grow, and also in the case that someone leaves. We match our partners emotionally on some levels. It is why we chose them. One thing that can happen is that, if someone leaves without doing the work to grow, or jumps onto another relationship- while being in the first one, the problems in relationship #1 can be recreated in relationship #2.

Growth means taking a risk. In a relationship, growth can make the other partner uncomfortable. Then that partner may choose to stay and adjust ( grow) or leave to find someone who matches them better. The other possibility is that the partner who does the work to grow can decide that this relationship does not fit- that he/she has outgrown the relationship. They no longer feel that connection that kept them there.

To stay or leave means weighing many factors. One major factor is marriage and children. These relationships are more difficult to dissolve because of the larger consequences to leaving, including the fact that if there are children, then the ex is not completely out of their lives.

A dating relationship is, exactly that- a time to see if the relationship is going to be a good marriage, if this is something to choose for the long run. So, you do not only have to evaluate the situation in terms of you, but in terms of your future. Is this someone you would choose to be the father of your children? Does he have the emotional maturity to be a father? How does he handle "for better or worse" because marriage is exactly that, the good times, the not so good times.

Whether one stays or leaves, it is important to keep in mind that this is your choice.  It may not be the easiest choice, but not all choices are. You may have invested two years in this relationship, but I think it is two years invested in you too. Your growth, and your learning. Even if it was 20 years of dating, that does not mean you have to continue dating if it isn't good for you.

If you choose to leave, I have a suggestion- and that is to continue to grow on your own, as an individual, before you enter another relationship, to fully heal so that you can have healthy relationships, with or without a partner.

[jasonb]

that's great advice notwendy

[unicorn2014]

Well, I've invested two years into it so far. I don't think I want to move on from him. I just have a higher self-preservation reflex than I did 4 months ago. This feels too much. I don't think I can handle this. I must abandon ship

I wish he would consider DBT. He's under a lot of stress at the moment and it's making him impossible to be around at times. If he's raging at objects, it's inevitable that he starts raging at me as well. I know it's just his emotions. It's not personal, but when I'm not strong enough, I'm simply not strong enough. I need to leave. Leaving definitely helps.

You are lucky that yours does not tell you what mine has told me, that his therapists have told him that he pretty much knows dbt, he just has to remember what he knows. Yeah, he knows dbt, that's why three weeks ago he dysregulated and told me f you over and over again in my text message and voice message, called me a stupid little girl, told me I was abusive and couldn't have a relationship with anybody.

I've been engaged to my pwBPD for 3 years now in a LDR while he's going through a divorce. I don't have children with him but I do have a child from a previous marriage that he is helping me with. What people have said is right, its much easier to walk away when there aren't children involved. If I could walk away from my situation I would but unfortunately I think its helping keep me emotionally stable right now so I'm staying. Perhaps you could ask yourself what your relationship is doing for you?

[Notwendy]

Thanks Jasonb!

[misuniadziubek]

You are lucky that yours does not tell you what mine has told me, that his therapists have told him that he pretty much knows dbt, he just has to remember what he knows. Yeah, he knows dbt, that's why three weeks ago he dysregulated and told me f you over and over again in my text message and voice message, called me a stupid little girl, told me I was abusive and couldn't have a relationship with anybody.

I would think that your pwBPD is taking very simple praise from his therapists eg. 'you're doing well with DBT, you seem to be getting a strong hold on the skills' and twisting it to his benefit to prove that there is nothing wrong with him anymore or something to that liking and that you are the odd one out. A slight attempt at triangulation perhaps?

I say that because on more than one occasion, during dysregulation, my partner would miscontstrue other people's words to benefit his argument. Ie. His roommate told me that if things between us get increasingly abusive, then perhaps a break is in order and that she mentioned than to him. (Talking to her might not have been the best idea, but I was in dire need of some third party support at the time) He used that idea to say that I was the issue in the relationship and even his roommate thinks that he should break things off with me. This was over a year ago. Things are different. I realise that speaking to his roommate about anything related to the relationship does not benefit it, since she is the one who lives with him and I don't want to add any strain to their arrangement.

I've been engaged to my pwBPD for 3 years now in a LDR while he's going through a divorce. I don't have children with him but I do have a child from a previous marriage that he is helping me with. What people have said is right, its much easier to walk away when there aren't children involved. If I could walk away from my situation I would but unfortunately I think its helping keep me emotionally stable right now so I'm staying. Perhaps you could ask yourself what your relationship is doing for you?

My biggest issue here was giving myself permission to leave the situation, not permanently, but just long enough for things to calm. I think that my threshold has become a lot lower since the relationship has improved. Sort of like, I know what both of us are capable of now, and I won't stand by any form of abuse any longer. There is no need to explode, and if you do, then it's your responsibility to calm yourself. He starts calling me a 'b___' saying that I am triggering his rage, I walk out. I go sit in my car, I calm myself and when I come back, he's back to normal.

Mis,

First, I want to commend you on the emotional growth you have demonstrated since you have been on this board.

One reason in general not to tell someone in the midst of a relationship to stay or to leave is that in order for that person to decide - in their own hearts- what is best for them requires them to grow into that conclusion- whatever that is.

Emotional growth is necessary in either way- for the relationship to grow, and also in the case that someone leaves. We match our partners emotionally on some levels. It is why we chose them. One thing that can happen is that, if someone leaves without doing the work to grow, or jumps onto another relationship- while being in the first one, the problems in relationship #1 can be recreated in relationship #2.

I think that's one of the biggest reasons why I stuck around. I saw a shrink about a year ago and he asked me about my relationship. I told him that it was constantly on the rocks, not mentioning that my boyfriend was probably borderline. He asked me what I was doing to add to the instability. I was taken aback. Until that point I had focused only on my partner's flawed reactions to me. I never thought about my own, but it definitely made me realise that I needed to figure out my own flaws because even if I left my partner, they'd overlap onto the next partner.

Growth means taking a risk. In a relationship, growth can make the other partner uncomfortable. Then that partner may choose to stay and adjust ( grow) or leave to find someone who matches them better. The other possibility is that the partner who does the work to grow can decide that this relationship does not fit- that he/she has outgrown the relationship. They no longer feel that connection that kept them there.

To stay or leave means weighing many factors. One major factor is marriage and children. These relationships are more difficult to dissolve because of the larger consequences to leaving, including the fact that if there are children, then the ex is not completely out of their lives.

A dating relationship is, exactly that- a time to see if the relationship is going to be a good marriage, if this is something to choose for the long run. So, you do not only have to evaluate the situation in terms of you, but in terms of your future. Is this someone you would choose to be the father of your children? Does he have the emotional maturity to be a father? How does he handle "for better or worse" because marriage is exactly that, the good times, the not so good times.

 

I guess it's easier, because we aren't planning children. And honestly, he has grown alongside me, which is something I wasn't really expecting. I guess time will tell. For now, he's actually my primary support system, while I go through a more difficult part of my life.

[unicorn2014]

You are lucky that yours does not tell you what mine has told me, that his therapists have told him that he pretty much knows dbt, he just has to remember what he knows. Yeah, he knows dbt, that's why three weeks ago he dysregulated and told me f you over and over again in my text message and voice message, called me a stupid little girl, told me I was abusive and couldn't have a relationship with anybody.

I would think that your pwBPD is taking very simple praise from his therapists eg. 'you're doing well with DBT, you seem to be getting a strong hold on the skills' and twisting it to his benefit to prove that there is nothing wrong with him anymore or something to that liking and that you are the odd one out. A slight attempt at triangulation perhaps?

My pwBPD actually has never done DBT, what I was saying is that his therapists told him, according to him, that he didn't need DBT because he knew it already. I find that odd as I did it for 2 years and I'm still learning about it. I just don't talk to him about DBT anymore and that solves that problem. I don't want to hear about how he already knows it, I find that irritating when he hasn't even taken a single class. He claims his life experience and his spiritual background taught him these things. I think he's full of it. Like I said, if he was so keen on DBT, then why did he dysregulate 3 weeks ago and call me a stupid little girl and tell me to go away and tell me I was abusive and couldn't have a relationship with anybody? The mind boggles at the absurdity of it all.

[misuniadziubek]

My pwBPD actually has never done DBT, what I was saying is that his therapists told him, according to him, that he didn't need DBT because he knew it already. I find that odd as I did it for 2 years and I'm still learning about it. I just don't talk to him about DBT anymore and that solves that problem. I don't want to hear about how he already knows it, I find that irritating when he hasn't even taken a single class. He claims his life experience and his spiritual background taught him these things. I think he's full of it. Like I said, if he was so keen on DBT, then why did he dysregulate 3 weeks ago and call me a stupid little girl and tell me to go away and tell me I was abusive and couldn't have a relationship with anybody? The mind boggles at the absurdity of it all.

Even moreso a manipulation to show you as the bad guy.

Here's the thing, even with DBT skills, you have to consistently practice them. He might have learned 'some' skills of mindfulness for example, somewhere in the past, but if he's not consistently using them and maintaining any skill he has, the effect shrinks and he's more susceptible to dysregulation once more.

[unicorn2014]

My pwBPD actually has never done DBT, what I was saying is that his therapists told him, according to him, that he didn't need DBT because he knew it already. I find that odd as I did it for 2 years and I'm still learning about it. I just don't talk to him about DBT anymore and that solves that problem. I don't want to hear about how he already knows it, I find that irritating when he hasn't even taken a single class. He claims his life experience and his spiritual background taught him these things. I think he's full of it. Like I said, if he was so keen on DBT, then why did he dysregulate 3 weeks ago and call me a stupid little girl and tell me to go away and tell me I was abusive and couldn't have a relationship with anybody? The mind boggles at the absurdity of it all.

Even moreso a manipulation to show you as the bad guy.

Here's the thing, even with DBT skills, you have to consistently practice them. He might have learned 'some' skills of mindfulness for example, somewhere in the past, but if he's not consistently using them and maintaining any skill he has, the effect shrinks and he's more susceptible to dysregulation once more.

He wasn't dissing my DBT skills, he was more saying he didn't need to take it because he already has those skills, however he does say he's going to take it when he moves out to my area. He says its not available in his area. I think what's more important here is for me to use my skills, which is what I am starting to do.

[misuniadziubek]

He wasn't dissing my DBT skills, he was more saying he didn't need to take it because he already has those skills, however he does say he's going to take it when he moves out to my area. He says its not available in his area. I think what's more important here is for me to use my skills, which is what I am starting to do.

Sorry, I think you misunderstood what I was saying.

You asked how it was possible for him to dysregulate and call you names if he has all these ':)BT Skills'. I'm saying you can learn skills of mindfulness (as he claims) and lose them over time due to non-practice. Using your skills is always important

I took a mindfulness based stress reduction program course at the beginning of the year. I find that with prolonged non-practice, I start to lose the benefits of the program.

[unicorn2014]

He wasn't dissing my DBT skills, he was more saying he didn't need to take it because he already has those skills, however he does say he's going to take it when he moves out to my area. He says its not available in his area. I think what's more important here is for me to use my skills, which is what I am starting to do.

Sorry, I think you misunderstood what I was saying.

You asked how it was possible for him to dysregulate and call you names if he has all these ':)BT Skills'. I'm saying you can learn skills of mindfulness (as he claims) and lose them over time due to non-practice. Using your skills is always important

I took a mindfulness based stress reduction program course at the beginning of the year. I find that with prolonged non-practice, I start to lose the benefits of the program.

I'm sorry, I should've indicated I was being sarcastic when I was talking about him having skills he doesn't. I knew if he really had DBT skills he wouldn't have behaved that way. I don't want to mess up your thread. I will see if I can start a thread of my own on this subject on the staying board.