Having more contact with exBPD ... is it good or bad?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

Just for my own sake and sanity I admit talking to my exBPD 2 days in a row. I have had no contact in 2 months. My exBPD is living in another state with family. I need closure in some way, I can finally after 5 years talk about my feelings, it makes me feel lighter and remind myself why we are not together. Getting the attention of a BPD person and holding it is very difficult. I guess there is a point for all of us that we do go back and have contact whether damaging or not, maybe it boils down to validation for me once and for all that this person is really not good for me. Does anyone think in those terms?

[Eye438]

Hi all,

Just for my own sake and sanity I admit talking to my exBPD 2 days in a row. I have had no contact in 2 months. My exBPD is living in another state with family. I need closure in some way, I can finally after 5 years talk about my feelings, it makes me feel lighter and remind myself why we are not together. Getting the attention of a BPD person and holding it is very difficult. I guess there is a point for all of us that we do go back and have contact whether damaging or not, maybe it boils down to validation for me once and for all that this person is really not good for me. Does anyone think in those terms?

[SGraham]

I understand the drive to get closure and validation but im afraid that your ex might string you out and then not even give you said closure. I don't mean to sound alarmist or convince you that she certainly wont give you closure, but that does seem more probable. Whatever you do, just try to maintain your emotional strength and you'll know if it's right.

Best wishes,

SG

[Turkish]

From your tone, it sounds like this might be a good thing for you. I co-parent,.and therefore still have to talk to my Ex, though I try to minimize it. Still, I find that sometimes I enjoy talking to her (about the kids).

I think your point about finding validation for you is good. Focus upon what you feel more than her.

[Eye438]

I understand the drive to get closure and validation but im afraid that your ex might string you out and then not even give you said closure. I don't mean to sound alarmist or convince you that she certainly wont give you closure, but that does seem more probable. Whatever you do, just try to maintain your emotional strength and you'll know if it's right.

Best wishes,

SG

thank you, I am trying to prove to myself she is incapable of comprehending closure, I am detached, but still trying to figure out why I was with such a mentally ill person. I need to breakthrough for me so I can put all of this behind and have a sense of self and move forward.

Am I fooling myself here?

[Eye438]

Hi Turkish

You are right, there maybe not a one size fits all heeling process. It's all just hard stuff to work and doing it in a healthy way is necessary. Thank you for understanding I feel a lot less jittery as a result.

[SGraham]

I understand the drive to get closure and validation but im afraid that your ex might string you out and then not even give you said closure. I don't mean to sound alarmist or convince you that she certainly wont give you closure, but that does seem more probable. Whatever you do, just try to maintain your emotional strength and you'll know if it's right.

Best wishes,

SG

thank you, I am trying to prove to myself she is incapable of comprehending closure, I am detached, but still trying to figure out why I was with such a mentally ill person. I need to breakthrough for me so I can put all of this behind and have a sense of self and move forward.

Am I fooling myself here?

I get what you are saying, though i dont think it will be a "break through" moment of realisation, more like a constant process of realisation.

[Schermarhorn]

When I last talked to my ex, it let me see how delusional she is.

I think we need to remember what we are dealing with. We forget how abusive they can be.

[Skip]

Just for my own sake and sanity I admit talking to my exBPD 2 days in a row. I have had no contact in 2 months. My exBPD is living in another state with family.

Eight weeks is enough to break the daily connection... .

I need closure in some way, I can finally after 5 years talk about my feelings, it makes me feel lighter and remind myself why we are not together.

BPD or not, you need to be careful with this… most of the time the other person can only take a small does of this and when they back away from it, you may try to pull them back or react to the rejection, and you will not feel satisfied or closure.  We can't heal our wounds with our ex - BPD or not - it just doesn't work that way.

If the discussions are relieving separation tensions that is good.  I'd just be careful not to hand all your feelings out there - you might re-open some wounds.

[Eye438]

I just want to respond to Skip here. I am in total agreement with you, the risk of being engaged again is high. I am solid about really seeing the mental illness in action. My BPD ex is bipolar 1, has been diagnosed with that in her early 30's, having said that I don't really know which illness is right it's a fine line. My point is I have had to deal with some real extremely delusional episodes, many hospital stays and ECT treatments, she was diagnosed as having a virtual rats nest at mayo clinic and BPD last year.

I don't think I can go through any of that again, I am convinced she is very mentally ill and I have a beautiful daughter and new grandchild that I hold dear.

I am grateful for the support here, it has helped me immensely. I am trying to get to the point of seeing clearly again and I lack patience. I am an artist as I have said before and takes on its own spin with taking risks, but in a good way, trying to get back to the focus of painting but it's hard to stay focused, I get frustrated that I am having so much trouble.