uBPD mom, terminal illness, going very limited contact...

[learningtowalkagain]

Sigh.

My uBPD mom has stage 4 breast cancer and her health has been steadily declining over the past year.  Throughout her six year battle with breast cancer I have played the role of primary caregiver, helpful daughter, and punching bag.  As much as I would like to say her behavior is a result of the pain and frustration caused by the cancer, I know it is not.  She has displayed BPD behaviors since I was a child: raging, manipulating, blaming, rejecting, etc etc. 

In the past few months, I have pulled away from her in a huge way.  I am not around her often and I have limited our interactions to ones in which I am not her primary caregiver (this, of course, makes her furious and she compares me to all of her friends children who 'love them enough to take care of them all the time'.  However, even with the new boundaries, I am finding myself getting beaten up and also bamboozled into things. 

For instance, she managed to convince me that I should come help her for a weekend and I agreed, but after thinking about it, I told her that that violated the boundaries that I was very clear about before and I could not do it.  She was, of course, furious about that too and she communicated that in a very passive aggressive way.  Additionally, I was trying to set up having lunch with her next weekend so I could actually visit with her but not caretake for her.  I guess she got the weekend wrong because last night on Facebook she posted 'thanks for lunch' in a clearly sarcastic and mean way on a photo my MIL had posted of me and my husband this weekend. 

Anyway,  because of tons of horrible behavior and a lifetime of damage... .telling me that I have been a b___ since I was 2, comparing me to her friend's children, raging at me, etc.  I have set some pretty stern boundaries.  However, I am now at the point where I am setting more.  I have decided that I will not go see her and that my husband and I will certainly not be spending Christmas with her.  This is very difficult decision as she likely does not have more than a year left to live, but I can't take another year of the abuse.  I know that I also need to block her on Facebook now and have my husband and in-laws do the same, but for some reason I am hesitating on that.

This morning I sent her a text letting her know these things.  I am waiting for a response which will inevitably come and be flaming.

Of course, I feel guilty about all of this and I feel extremely sad that it has gotten to this point.  I even took a mental health day from work today in order to try and manage my feelings and also to zone out and watch some happy TV.  I also feel guilty about taking the mental health day! AHH!

So I'm sad, I feel guilty, and I feel like a crappy kid.  I know that all of these are results of being raised by an uBPD mom but it doesn't make the feelings any less real.

[Harri]

Hi learning.  Your situation is very difficult and you have my sympathies.  A parents death is never easy but it seems even harder to me when there is mental illness added into the mix.  So many conflicting feelings to deal with and being manipulated on top of it all?  So difficult.

My mother died several years ago after having a relapse of her cancer.  She never told us she had been told it was terminal so I can't say I was in your same position but I can say that it was similar.  The conflicted feelings, the guilt, feeling like a crappy kid... .I get it.  When my mother did get very sick (the last week or so and in the hospital for the last 3 days of her life) I finally understood something that has helped me immensely over the years.  I hope it helps you as well.

I realized that my refusal to interact with my mother was not a reflection of my worth or my value as a daughter and person.  I realized I was able to love and love well, she simply acted in ways that made it impossible for me to share that part of myself openly with her. 

I hope you enjoy your mental health day.  I'm not sure what kind of happy TV you like, but if you like wacky British comedy, check out the show 'Miranda' if you haven't already.  It is on Hulu and all the episodes are free on youtube if you do not have Hulu.

 

[Kwamina]

Hi learningtowalkagain

A week has passed, how are things now?

I am sorry that your mother continues to treat you in a hurtful manner. You have done a lot to try and help her these last six years but it's clear that her behavior has taken it's toll on you. Your own well-being is what's most important and I understand why you would take certain steps to take care of yourself.

It's very unfortunate that your mother continues to behave like this while she's so seriously ill, yet it's her choice to do so. I am glad you have been able to set certain boundaries and find ways to protect yourself from your mother's negativity. No matter what she says or does, more likely than not it's all just projections stemming from her disordered mind that really aren't a reflection of who you truly are at all.

This morning I sent her a text letting her know these things.  I am waiting for a response which will inevitably come and be flaming.

Have you heard from your mother since you posted this? Did she respond to your text?

Take care as you go through this difficult time

[beefree]

I realized that my refusal to interact with my mother was not a reflection of my worth or my value as a daughter and person.  I realized I was able to love and love well, she simply acted in ways that made it impossible for me to share that part of myself openly with her. 

This is great Harri... .thanks for sharing!