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troisette
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« on: September 14, 2015, 12:43:41 PM » |
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Hello, I'm posting here hoping to get some clarity. Whether my imagination is working overtime or whether I am recovering from a break-up with someone with BPD. The best way is for me to tell you as much of my story as I can because I am so confused.
Three years after my divorce from someone who I thought had strong narcissistic tendencies (I'm not qualified to say whether he did have NPD), I met a man who I thought was lovely. We are both in our sixties and all of the people I refer to are of the same age.
Sweet,kind, gentle and a creative - he'd been married twice. He constantly criticised his first ex to whom he'd been married for 18 years. It seemed to be an emotionally volatile relationship with infidelity on both sides. He saw himself as the victim.
He idealises his second partner, they were together for 15 years, saying how gentle she was. But she has a strange and symbiotic relationship with her (now) adult daughter. His relationship with her ended when she insisted on moving away to be near her daughter. The daughter's marriage has now ended due to her mother's close involvement in the household. The ex seems to be a passive manipulator, had his house in her name and still owes him money. He blames the break up mainly on her daughter, seemingly not aware that the ex was complicit in events to sell the house and force him to move. He ended the relationship.
He has two sons, ten years apart - aged 32 and 42. The older son is an alcoholic and will not speak to his father, he has had many emotional problems. His father is angry at him but is resistant to suggestions that, as his father, he makes an adult attempt at reconciliation for both of their sakes. He idealises his younger son who appears unable to form long-term relationships and is in therapy. His younger son appears stable although is somewhat immature. His mother, so I'm told, acts like his "rock chick girlfriend" and his father appears to want to be his best friend. His father also has a lot of control over him as the younger son lives in a flat, at cheap rent, owned by the father in a town some distance away.
When I met him, my ex told me that he lives in a bubble, that he has a very happy life with his group of friends in our local town - as he remembered his life when he was ten (The friends are not childhood friends). He describes them as his family but they seem to be superficial people who don't know much about each other, in some ways, party people. I noticed that all of the women are immature, behaving like teenagers rather than adults. But he has high regard for them and they give him a structure in his life. I became involved with him and he said "you are now in my bubble" - but I didn't realise that this meant living our life according to his rules.
Very early on he started setting out delineators: he would never marry, or live with someone again. This was okay with me as I didn't want either of those things. About two months into the relationship he called me to say that a fabulous house was on sale and, if we sold both our homes, we could buy it. He also told me, right from the beginning that if we ever had an argument, our relationship would end. Luckily the house was sold.
At this point I was blinkering myself to these things, he was telling me how lovely, gentle, understanding I was. The relationship was on his terms and I began to feel disempowered. He cooked and I fell in with that, then I noticed that I had lost confidence in my own cooking. (I had been known as a good cook.) We spent some lovely, domestic times at his house, not often at mine, socially we mainly saw his friends. I noticed that he was very flirty with the other women in the group, married and single, who all adored him. There was little forward planning, I seemed to be fitting in around his life. There was very little flexibility. He told me that when I am happy I am beautiful, when angry I am ugly.
I went on a long distance trip and phoned him on my return from the airport, he was having "a big catch up and a lovely dinner" at the house of one of these women. He'd had a brief relationship with this woman in between marriages and they had stayed friends - I had not met her. A couple of weeks later, he told me that we were giving her a lift to a birthday lunch for another person in his group.In advance, he told me that this woman would be unpleasant to me during the journey but that she would only do it once. She was unpleasant, starting an excluding conversation. I seethed and said something in a quiet aside to him once we had arrived. He was obviously very nervous and tense. The return journey was worse; she talking about how she expected him to live to 94 and die in a sports car with a tart by his side. We dropped her off and returned to my house where I told him that I thought her comments rude and outrageous. He said that she is fragile and that I was not being fair to her and left.
I was distraught at the unfairness of his attitude and took myself away. He contacted me by email after trying to phone me, and a a reconciliation took place within a few days.
Meanwhile, he was annoyed because his ex wife was arranging Christmas festivities with his son and excluding him so we arranged to spend Christmas together - his son to visit on Boxing Day. This was my first meeting with his son and I realise how adoring he is of his son and how jealous he is of his ex wife's relationship with him. They seem to be in competition for their son's affection. I liked his son and got on well with him.
Then New Year's; he was giving a party and I assumed it would be "our" party - we had been together for six or seven months by then. But I realised that it was his party and I only had peripheral involvement. During the party his first dance was with another of the women in his group and he made it an exhibition dance. I felt humiliated and embarrassed as a circle of admirers applauded at the end. I told him so at the end of the party - he did not apologise or appear to have understanding of how I had felt. I was unsure if I was making too big a thing of it. I do remember my emotions of hurt, and disappointment as I thought it was going to be our party.
At about this time he told me that life was black and white,no shades of grey - despite being a photographer and I tried to illustrate the many shades of grey with a b&w photograph -he is a photographer. But he was adamant that life is black and white.
I also had been realising that he is very insecure. He does not like to see photos of himself, or look at himself in the mirror. Although a good looking man, he considers himself ugly. Similarly he told me that he didn't understand what I saw in him, referring to what he considered his ugly body. At the same time he was telling me that he had never had such a wonderful sex life, I said it was because we were making love. (Although he never told me he loved me.)
Life went on and I realised that I was losing self confidence, feeling undermined, and anxious.
We went on holiday and the first two days in a hotel were lovely. Then we went to stay with friends of his and he was flirting with the wife. I noticed things like filling their wine glasses and leaving mine empty, heavy drinking and telling me that I must eat food that I would normally avoid. I found her an unpleasant and again, childish woman.At this point I should say that he was very tight, I paid half of everything. We were going on to a house that we had rented for five days and he told me that the wife had invited herself over for lunch and he had said yes - I had been looking forward to a quiet break away from everyone and felt that the lunch would turn into a drinking session, entailing the couple staying over. Taking a day and a half out of our quiet time. I made this point and said that I thought he should have conferred with me before accepting and that I did not want her to come. This caused much bad feeling - to be expected. When we arrived at the house she has sent a very spiteful email about me to him. I lost my temper as my behaviour to her during the four days we were in her company was very polite. He said that I was being unfair to her. I felt distraught at the unfairness of his comments and we both said the relationship must end.
He went into the kitchen and came out and said he'd been crying. I responded that if anyone should be crying it should be me. He had a sort of mini-fit, lasting about a minute - kneeling in front of the sofa and saying "I can't bear it", I put my arms around him saying "it's alright,you're safe" he pulled away, saying he wasn't. Then several days of placating him during his depression while we waited for our homeward sailing. I felt gutted, putting my energy into him whilst so upset for myself as well.
Once we got on the boat, he gave me a big hug, made reference to if we came back to France and was touching me on the leg etc during the sailing. I was confused and wary, wondering what was going on. Was he having second thoughts? Was he game playing?
We got home after a dreadful row in the car during which he said I shredded him. It was a reciprocal argument, started by me and my comments were stronger than his. He dropped me off at my home.
He sent me an email the following day about how he felt, not enquiring about how I felt. Arrangements were made to return possessions and keys - however he left his motorbike in my garage. When he came over he said that we could never get back together again and I agreed, but I'm not sure if that was the answer he was looking for. He came on to me. I said I would not have sex with him.
I felt terrible, worse than I've ever felt after a break up and stayed indoors for much of the time, he was with his group. Four weeks later he went overseas again on his own - he'd booked the trip as soon as we got back. He was away for three weeks. We had maintained slight contact and he told me that he was going to leave his cat on her own. (I have always been concerned at his behaviour to the cat, leaving her for two months once, without a cat flap, just a neighbour to feed her. He also described the cat as schizoid but I found her loving and lovable.)
During his absence he sent me brief emails and I got the feeling that he wanted a reconciliation. During this time I was broken hearted He got home, was cool, then came back unexpectedly, four hours later and came on to me. He then said he'd return the next day for the cat, he did and was cool again. So much emotional confusion on my part. And I suspected game playing for control and manipulation. I did not respond and told him that I would not have sex with him.
This pattern continued when he collected his motorbike, asking me out for a day and over to his house for dinner. I was self protective by then, confused and still very attracted to him despite his behaviour. He seemed to have got under my skin. I spoke to friends who suggested that I should go for dinner and ask him what he wanted of us.
I went, it was a lovely evening. Our favourite film, he cooked, I cuddled the docile cat then he put on some poetry readings, came back to the sofa laid down and put his head in my lap. I watchful but emotionally drawn. I then asked him what he wanted of us. He said "I knew you'd say that, we can never go back together again, you shredded me". He was circling, referring to the past saying how his loyalty was towards his friends, I said that the intimacy we had experienced also implied loyalty to me as well as his friends. To which he did not reply. In the end I said that I was going forward, that it was over and I left his house.
During the dinner he said that he was going away for a few days with his son and would miss my birthday. I reminded him that my birthday had been two weeks previously. He had made me a card and given me a small gift. I got the impression that he was annoyed that I was celebrating with friends. He also posted on my Facebook wall so I was perturbed that he had forgotten it but wondered if he was game playing
The next morning he phoned, early, while I was out asking if we could still be friends as now we both knew where we stood. I phoned back and said we couldn't.
While he was away a mutual friend told me that she had been asking him for a recipe for months. Had seen him, asked again, he wrote out the recipe in detail as an oriental scroll but with the name of another friend, and delivered it to the other friend. The mutual friend was concerned at this memory lapse and asked me if I had experienced any such lapses. I told her about my birthday and she suggested onset of Alzhiemer's. I thought it might be stress but was concerned. I now wonder if it was disassociation although his mother had Alzheimer's,
Today, four weeks later, still confused, still emotionally attached, although I haven't seen him, I phoned him to arrange to deliver his remaining possessions to him.
In the meantime,a friend has told me that I am describing classic symptoms of BPD.
He is an art director and it feels to me sometimes as though he has branded himself as a very nice, kind, caring, tender person, labelled himself as such but my experience is that the contents don't match the packaging.
I am sorry this post is so long. I am confused. My misery continues, I don't know why I am so attached to him. Intellectually I see his behaviour as awful, emotionally I'm still trapped. I would be very grateful for any comments you can offer as to whether or not I am recovering from a relationship with someone with BPD. It is four months since we returned from our holiday and I can't get him out of my head.
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