When Does It Stop Being Painful to be Run into Them?

[mrwigand]

Hey, all... .Everything is okay with me, I'm just feeling a little funky because I just ran into my dexBPDgf.

There is a little neighborhood bar I live super close to that serves free food on Mondays, and I go pretty consistently. Today I went and I saw my ex walk in. Nothing weird happened. Once I saw for sure it was her, I kept my gaze intentionally averted so we wouldn't have to acknowledge each other's presences. As soon as I could I surreptitiously left.

We're on good terms basically. I used to be really angry, but I'm over wanting to confront her about things, and she's even apologized for some things as well. I've forgiven her, and I've asked forgiveness for times I didn't behave maturely.

But I can't deny that even when I'm just barely in her presence I have an immediate pain reflex. I can't fully articulate what is going through my head or why. It's just pain. Heartbreak. I know there is/was nothing I could do in that relationship, and that hurts to think about.

We've been broken up for 7 months, and I still have this pain reflex when I run into... .when I think she'll be somewhere, when I think I spot her car at the grocery store (I'm not constantly thinking about this, when stuff comes up it definitely provokes a response). We've been broken up 7 months, but we've had to maintain limited contact so she could pay me back some money, so it's not like I've been totally inoculated from her. And truthfully, it's going to be hard to achieve that because we have a lot of mutual friends. It's lucky I haven't run into more than I have.

How long do these "pain reflexes last"? Is it weird that I'm still having this kind of reaction?

[SGraham]

No it's definitely not weird, we all have our own unique rates and paths for healing. I still cant see my ex without it pretty much ruining my day... .And she lives down the street from me  so i have to be pretty crafty to avoid her.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi mrwigand,

In my experience of previous breakups in healthier relationships, the pain reflex has lasted for years. Basically, I think it lasts for as long as it takes me to grieve fully over the relationship and the triggers embedded within it. The problem for me was that my emotions were shut down because of a traumatic childhood, so I didn't do that. All the pain of a lifetime piled up inside me until I was like the walking wounded. I was in so much pain, I was having to do all sorts of things to just cope with it. When I re-connected with my emotions, I had to grieve over a lifetime of wounds, losses and trauma, gradually working back from less threatening to more threatening pain or current situations to situations in my early childhood. It has been a massive job and the task continues.

On the positive side, I have found the pain reflex (unpleasant as it is) to be a really useful indicator that there is a healing opportunity lying just beneath the surface. When I explore that further, I often find that I am looking at who this person reminds me of in my past, things that they did or said that wounded me. When I really grieve for those underlying traumas (and for me it takes connecting with sadness and expressing it in some way), I have naturally started to detach and the pain reflex goes, so I can see the person without disabling pain. Basically, my BPDxbf has done me a massive favour. I have grown more in this relationship than in any other.

So, I think I'm saying that there may be something you can do to speed up the process... .and that there's a big payoff too.


Love Lifewriter

[enlighten me]

Hi Mrwigand

Im forced to have contact with my exs as we have kids together. I also had these pain reflexes.

It takes time but I have become desensitised now. I split from my exgf last May. I think If I didn't have as much contact it would have taken me longer. Im a firm believer in desensitising yourself if there is a chance of or if you have to interact. Its a bit of a balancing act though as you could fall in either direction. If your not ready for it you could end up suffering more.

[mrwigand]

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "desensitizing". Could you explain further? I know what the word means certainly, but what exactly would that entail for me? Being more exposed to situations possibly involving my ex until I get over it? Something like that?

[enlighten me]

Pretty much. You could call it aversion therapy.

I know if my exgf popped up on facebook I would have the anxiety and pain reflexes. Now I didn't even bat an eyelid at it.

I liken it to when you had to stand up at school and speak. Before you did it you would panic about it. The first time you did it you were nervous and hated it. Slowly over time it got easier. Im not saying that it ever got to be an enjoyable experience (it certainly didn't for me) but it did get easier.

I hope that makes sense?

EM