looking for hope

[calminthestorm]

Good morning,

I have been married for almost a decade to my BPD husband, and we are just now getting him diagnosed.  It has been a very tumultuous road, and having a diagnosis doesn't make me feel any better.  It feels more like death sentence.  I feel lost and angry, and I have little faith that his efforts will prevent his rages in the future. I am tired of carrying the emotional burden for our family, and I am tired of being the only stable adult. I deserve better, and our children deserve better. I struggle with guilt that I am ready to give up, and I grieve for our failing relationship. And yet I am not leaving. I want so much for him to heal, and to mature into a stable adult, but I know that this is unlikely.

Has long term therapy worked? what is the success rate? what can I expect?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Butterfly12]

No advice, nothing. But do know you aren't alone.

[LonelyChild]

Has long term therapy worked? what is the success rate? what can I expect?

Hi,

I come from the Leaving board, so please keep that in mind.

Your questions are all about whether your husband will change or not. Maybe you should reconsider: What can you do to change? Are you unwilling to?

Change - for you - might mean (in the end) that you're going to need to detach. Perhaps this is something you're avoiding (as your husband is avoiding facing his problems), which leads to status quo.

To answer your questions:

Long term therapy rarely works for curing BPD. It's more about coping and ALWAYS being mindful about it. In stressful situations, he WILL revert to BPD behaviors. This is NEVER going to change. Over time, behaviors are toned down. This is not specific to pwBPD, but rather due to hormonal changes (and a lot more, I'm sure): People generally tone down everything in their mid 50's-60's.

The success rate for "healing" BPD is ridiculously low. Someone else might fill in with statistics, but the prognosis is horribly bad. This does not mean that not a single pwBPD can get well, but odds are against it and you should not expect it to happen.

As for what you can expect: Definitely not more than you expect for yourself. Are you facing your own fear of abandonment? If not, how could you expect your husband to?

Please take a look at this board, and the Undecided and Leaving boards. The story is the same over and over. I went through some kind of ego death during the separation of my uBPDxgf (please see my posts). Today, I understood that much of the problems (regarding how I felt) was my own, not because of her. So I've detached. I've moved on with life, and it's great. I can enjoy life and I can move forward. She is still stuck; hasn't moved an inch forward. Had I not detached, it would be status quo.

You need to think very carefully about your situation and perhaps accept reality (and accept that your husband is who he is and won't change much) rather than turn to wishful thinking, which is going to cause you more pain down the road.