Was individual counseling for your BPD more helpful than couples?

[michel71]

Hello all. I am posting this question on the staying board although I am not convinced that any type of counseling can save my marriage. The reason I ask is this. My uBPDw says that it is more painful and counterproductive to have to go to couples counseling and listen to me "make her into a monster". Of course that is not what I am trying to do but we have to talk about ways that we have been hurt. My wife says that she wants to work on some things in individual counseling, which is GREAT. We have tried couples counseling several times and have seen 4 different therapists, the latest one being a Ph.d. I have my own therapist.

We were getting along pretty well until our therapy session last night. After the session she was testy all evening and basically told me to leave her alone.

I just don't know if it is worth it, for my sanity and hers. Maybe we are not at a point where we can "come together" for couples therapy. It is too threatening for her. Maybe we can in the future.

Has anybody gone through a similar thing? I am very supportive of my wife wanting to work on her issues. I think that is awesome, no matter where that takes her or our marriage.

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[Cat Familiar]

My husband felt as though he was attacked every time we went to couples therapy. It was only marginally helpful after a year and the end sum was that we could communicate slightly better.

A far better choice for us was when I started doing therapy individually with the psychologist who saw us as a couple. I didn't have to explain anything about him because she had seen it all. I went with the intent of seeking help managing our relationship better and it's been a godsend. Between therapy and this site, I'm much better equipped at dealing with a personality disorder. It's disappointing to realize that I will always be in "management mode" rather than be able to relate with him as I would with a non, but he's the one I chose to be with. 

Probably because I've "destigmatized" going to therapy by doing it myself, he's recently started. I just hope that he doesn't paint the therapist black. Currently he likes him. I had to suppress a smile when he told me that he thought his therapist was "impressed" by him. He is extremely intelligent and he also needs a lot of approval. I hope this guy is sharp because even with his BPD, he can outthink lots of people.

[Cloudy Days]

I have seen a few things where couples therapy can actually do more harm than good in a BPD relationship. Because either the person with BPD spends all their time blaming the other person or they get very hurt by their spouse pointing out their flaws. I do know that individual therapy does help them. They can't spend the entire time blaming anyone and they basically have the entire time to work on what they are dealing with at the moment.

When my husband started going be would be in a really bad mood after therapy and I began to dread the days that he would go but it got better and he really likes his therapist. He actually tried to go to a different person because it is a long drive to see his current therapist and he said he missed her. Which to me is a good thing.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, based on my experience, two different times in MC, I'd say it's gotten us nowhere. Well, I take that back. I feel worse. BPDh sits there, zoned out, until he wants to blast me with blame, and our MC I think has a total wrong perspective on a huge issue we have. His view on dealing with BPD's daughter is not the same as any other T's, including BPD's original therapists. His old T, at least told him he needed to have some boundaries, but our MC just says "wait it out". Basically, continue to allow me, his wife to be excluded from family functions. How that is okay on any level is beyond me. I like our T, but I do not want to spend ever session talking about BPDh's kids, and that is what happens almost every time. What about our other marriage issues? Why is our marriage therapy all about his dysfunctional kids? Oh, and what I find weird is that MC talks about how he never lets his son's disrespect his wife, but he says it's different with second wives. What?

I think because of BPDh's issues with blame, and black and white thinking, that MC is not going to do US any good until he gets in a better place. And the few good things the T has suggested, BPDh has ignored. He only likes the advice that allows him to keep in his dysfunctional relationship with his daughter with zero boundaries.

[SurfNTurf]

Individual counseling FOR ME in dealing with my uBPDh was more productive than couples counseling. We tried MC one time, one session, and he then backed out, claimed I was 'colluding' with the therapist, that the therapist was 'too nosy' about his family of origin, etc. He refuses any counseling now, in any shape or form.

Attending my own counseling was the best  moment for me; my therapist pointed me to some legitimate research about behavior disorders, web sites, books. From that, we worked on me. I'd still love to do marriage counseling, but I also know that will never happen.

It also helps me to pray a prayer of gratitude every day, it makes me mindful of the many blessings I do have.

[thisagain]

I have seen a few things where couples therapy can actually do more harm than good in a BPD relationship. Because either the person with BPD spends all their time blaming the other person or they get very hurt by their spouse pointing out their flaws. I do know that individual therapy does help them. They can't spend the entire time blaming anyone and they basically have the entire time to work on what they are dealing with at the moment.

They can totally spend the entire time blaming you during their individual therapy, and a T who isn't savvy about BPD might fall for it and make the whole situation worse. As far as I can tell, my partner's therapist actually believes that I am the cause of most of her psychological problems as well as our relationship problems. So her individual therapy has been actively counterproductive because it accelerates her toward painting me black and blaming me for everything. And makes her feel like the empowered, healthy, assertive thing to do is come home and rage at me about it. She has often come out of therapy with a less balanced view of a conflict than before. It makes her see our problems as more black-and-white (or victim-perpetrator drama triangle with the T as rescuer).

I don't think couples T OR individual T for the pwBPD is useful until they're ready to face up to their issues in a balanced way. If they want to blame you for everything, they're going to do it in any format unless the T is really skilled at intervening. And if they have that skilled T but aren't ready, they'll paint the T black and stop going.

[Herodias]

Going together was useless. Totally useless... .in fact I now know you shouldn't even dare try. If they do DBT, that is their only hope. They just get new ideas from going to counselors and they know how to manipulate the bad ones. They won't continue to go to the good ones. Mine took advantage of getting pills for anxiety as well! That was horrible! He would take 10 xanex in a day! It was hell... .They won't stick with the good ones, so sorry to say... .didn't work for me. Mine blamed me for everything or wouldn't let me speak and spent the whole time talking to the counselor about the blinds on her window! Useless!

[Cloudy Days]

I do want to say if you do find a good DBT therapist is can be helpful to see their therapist together. For my husband I went with him on the first three visits just to make sure he would go. It was mostly talking about past stuff, Yes codependent but I didn't know about any of that then. Then he did start going and every now and then he would ask me to go in with him. Sometimes it would be rough, but sometimes we would actually talk about real things and his therapist was very good at pointing out relationship dynamics that is affecting us, not blaming either one of us just pointing out facts. DBT therapy really is the trick.