Do I tell my son ?

[LDJ]

My husband has BPD and obviously it's had effects on our son (13 yrs old).    He doesn't understand why dad reacts/acts the way he does.   I've made excuses, but quite frankly I'm thinking its time to face the truth.   Help please... .pros and cons... .pro advice?   Been a hard 10 years.   

[HopefulDad]

I don't think you tell a 13yr old child.  If your child complains about dad's behavior, you just need to be there for him.  The best thing you can do is offer a stark contrast in such behavior that your child will clearly understand what's normal vs. disordered behavior.

[enlighten me]

Ive told my sons 12 and 14 that I believe their mum has BPD.

I very slowly built up to it and used the fact that my exgf is probably BPD to build an understanding so it was a shock.

My boys hate my exgf and constantly brought up her behaviour. I slowly explained about BPD to them in a sympathetic way. When the boys had a big bust up with their mum and stepdad in Junethey had a lot of questions. Why does mum do this? Why wont mum do that? etc etc.

I sat them down and said "you know what I think the exgf has?" they said yes I said "well that's what I think your mum may have aswell".

They went quiet for a minute and then said "yeh I think your right". After that they spent half an hour comparing both my exs behaviour. Since then they have asked many more questions. They understand that their mums behaviour is driven by something else that is deeply embedded, They still don't like what she did but can understand more why she does things.

I wouldn't recommend just blurting it out without any foundations. I built my foundations up for a year and wasn't expecting to tell them so soon. I thought I might have a couple more years before having to broach it.

It could be a potential minefield as there are so many ways I could go. The child might reject it and blame you, they might throw it in the other parents face and cause more drama or they could accept it.

It all depends on the circumstances.

[livednlearned]

Really good question, LDJ! I worried over this one so much I went to see a child psychologist. She basically said, "Your son knows. He probably doesn't have a word for it, but he knows something is wrong."

I think you can accomplish the goal of raising a resilient child whether you tell them or not -- a lot depends on your situation. My son was 8 when I told him his dad was an alcoholic, and it did escalate the danger factor by a multiple of 100. For example, S8 told his teacher that his dad was an alcoholic, and she told him about AA, and then he came home and told his dad. That was quite a night.

Lesson 5 to the right in the sidebar has some resources about this that might be helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

Here's a few items that might really help:

What to tell kids about a high-conflict co-parent

In this article, Bill Eddy writes, "Many parents have asked us about how to raise a child or children with a co-parent (whether a spouse, former spouse or unmarried partner) who is “high-conflict.” It is very important to avoid being accused of “bad-mouthing” the other parent, by speaking negatively about him or her to the children and providing too much information about adult issues, such as a court case. On the other hand, you want to protect your children from the blaming and uncontrolled behavior of the high-conflict co-parent, and to provide the children with coping skills and help them not blame themselves. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203238.0

TOOLS: Child development and parents with mental illness

As parents, we benefit from understanding the natural developmental stages our children experiences as they grow up. It's good to know that a toddler's "no" is most natural and necessary, for instance. As parents, stepparents, grandparents, and other significant adults who may share in the care of children who have a parent with mental illness, an additional layer of understanding is also needed. How does the child's developmental needs intersect with the parent's mental illness? What are the impacts of a parent's mental illness during different developmental stages? How can we support children so they grow up as resilient as possible? Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167128.0

POLL: From Risk to Resiliency--Protective Factors for Children

The effect of parental mental illness on children is varied and unpredictable. Although parental mental illness presents biological, psychosocial and environmental risks for children, not all children will be negatively affected, or in the same way. The age of onset, severity and duration of the parents' mental illness, the degree of stress in the family resulting from the parents' illness, and most importantly, the extent to which parents' symptoms interfere with positive parenting, such as their ability to show interest in their children, will determine the level of risk to a child. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=93196.0

I'm also a big fan of the lesson validating kids from the same lesson (5). Your son needs to know that how he feels is real, and that someone is listening and validating him. Even if it's hard to hear, even if you wish it weren't true, even if you want to fix it but can't. Validating him will give him something he probably desperately seeks because people with BPD tend to invalidate their kids. They don't have good boundaries and trouble with impulse control, and this makes it hard for them to act in adult ways, which can be very challenging for kids.

LnL