Hi budi.sudaryo,
this is a good question and my gut feel is similar to yours and I would say - the examples you are giving are patronizing.
I think it is a wonderful idea, as we all need acknowledgement from time to time that our efforts are appreciated. However, I feel it's important to be mindful of not overpraising and not making a big deal out of it, or it may in fact sound patronising (or fake), as you mentioned. Personally, I usually make a semi-casual and brief statement and say something like "By the way, thank you for your apology. It means a lot." And then something like "Love you." and a tight hug or a peck on the cheek. Then I go about my business.
I guess this would also depend on the situation, the amount of effort exerted and in which circumstances. For me, it's important to find the balance between communicating my appreciation but not making him feel like I am watching his every move.
Exactly, fake is no good and invalidating and btw.
Raska. As you say avoiding that the pwBPD feels controlled is important. Physical contact combined with a well targeted validating message can often be a powerful move
The way I see this is the pwBPD is working through changes. These are difficult changes, some are painful and some other are just darn difficult as they go against all their long developed instincts.
Speaking of instincts I strongly believe that we tend to want to recover our love and want to be loved but in these relationship we have to focus on recovering respect first and foremost. Boundaries are super critical.
Praise is a tricky thing. While it sounds good and possibly gives us a fuzzy feeling it also is judgment. Judgment is liked to power and control - thus can easily be patronizing. In real life(tm) this does not matter but we are living in a world where minor details can matter a lot.
What is important
- they are doing it for themselves. We must leave ownership by them.
- judgment is problematic - perceiving and reflecting back is generally validating and better
If in doubt I would always go with SET. This is good stuff and we want to get the message though
S: Hey, I really wanted to let you know <important here: with positive voice tone to signal that the next sentence - which is referring to past conflict - is not belligrent>
E: it wasn't easy for you to apologize
T: it made a big difference to me.