Feeling lonely

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi Everyone!

I'm 26 years old. I had been married for almost for 3 years. My wife suffers from BPD. Officially we have divorced at the end of June. Now I'm working in KSA as a mathematician. I cannot able to process this situation. I really love her and I would like to stay with her. Her thoughts about me is rapidly changing. Nowadays she told me please leave her alone for good, since she cannot able to love me as her husband anymore. But we have discussed that we are going to take a break until next summer and we give a shot for us. I am confused, since I would like to speak with her but we agreed that we will speak rarely. I really miss her and I'm alone in KSA. I hope this community can able to help me.

[feipaat]

Hi Everyone!

I'm 26 years old. I had been married for almost for 3 years. My wife suffers from BPD. Officially we have divorced at the end of June. Now I'm working in KSA as a mathematician. I cannot able to process this situation. I really love her and I would like to stay with her. Her thoughts about me is rapidly changing. Nowadays she told me please leave her alone for good, since she cannot able to love me as her husband anymore. But we have discussed that we are going to take a break until next summer and we give a shot for us. I am confused, since I would like to speak with her but we agreed that we will speak rarely. I really miss her and I'm alone in KSA. I hope this community can able to help me.

[UndauntedDad]

Hi Feipaat,

Welcome!  If your ex suffers from BPD, then this community can very likely help you.  You may be lonely, but you're not alone, not really.  I'm not trying to make light of your isolation; I know how it feels to believe there is nobody else, nobody in the world, except one person you care for, and she does not want to be with you.  I am still married and living with my wife but I was lonely and isolated for years, while my wife wanted little to do with me.  It was not fun.

No matter what happens with your wife, whether she gets better or not, whether you get back together or not, it will help you to try to make connections around you.  I know it's hard in a new place; I moved to another country when I was a bit older than you and it was really hard.  But I tried to make connections, weak ones at first, and it got better.  I also brushed up my social skills   

It will even help to spend time here, posting, reading, replying.  These virtual connections also ease loneliness, and if you were living with BPD behaviors for years, you may find a lot of common ground here.

Second, it will also help you and your relationship with your ex if you try to distract yourself with other things, do whatever you can to give yourself a break from thinking about her. Hobbies, traveling, even walking around a new place, anything you can do to have fun by yourself. I know it's hard.  But with practice it will get easier.

Finally, can I ask, was your wife diagnosed with BPD?  How does she view herself?

Good luck, and keep hanging around!

[Herodias]

You are so young- I understand the loneliness, but you need to try and move on. She feels abandoned and if you even try to see her she will consistently bring up that you abandoned her. Try to learn why you got in this situation in the first place and learn to not do it again... .I'm so sorry for you and I feel your pain. My divorce will be final in Jan. My anniversary is Saturday- I'm lonely and he is with someone new! But I'm 50 and it's harder to start over at this age. You will be fine- just work on you! Your mantra needs to be, move on... .Take care of you!

[feipaat]

Thank you for your nice comments!

UndauntedDad: Yes, she was diagnosed in 2013. Furthermore, she spent 4 months in a psychiatry. Unfortunately that treatment was bad and made the things worse.  Last year we have found a good psychiater and it seems she can able to help her. She also has got eating disorders more than 10 years. According to her words the institute of marriage is too much to her. She asked me in June that we need to divorce in order to live in a good marriage. Couple of days ago she told me leave her alone and she consider me as a good friend not her husband. It was really hard for me. I hope that the break and the treatment will lead her to the route of healing and we can live together again. Now she stays in Hungary (my home country). I don't want to give up our life. I think I need to have a "little" patience.

I am going to take your advice about distracting myself with other things.

[joeramabeme]

Couple of days ago she told me leave her alone and she consider me as a good friend not her husband.

Ditto!  And that is after being married for 10 years. 

One thing I notice about myself and others on this board is that our happiness seems to come from these broken relationships but, if someone else were telling our stories to us, we would likely advise them not to do what our hearts tell us we want to do.

With that said, I think someone else has already mentioned this but it is worth repeating.  Learn why you are attracted to someone who is A) Emotionally unavailable  B) Is telling you they do not want to be with you  C) Gives such confusing messages such as come here and go away. 

The answers to these questions will start to provide awareness' that lead to the internal happiness that you are chasing.

[ForeverDad]

Years ago there was a paperback book entitled, "I Hate You!  Don't Leave Me!", written by an anonymous woman who eventually recovered from BPD but only with long term intensive professional therapy.  There is a definite push pull to these close relationships.  The closer the relationship is, the more evident the erratic behaviors.  That's why her moods and perceptions flip from one extreme to the other so quickly and so often.

Sadly, the behaviors can be described, categorized, taught in classrooms from textbooks, patterns identified, but it still won't make sense.  That's why it is called a type of mental illness.  By definition it doesn't make sense.  So don't twist yourself into a pretzel - or let her do it - trying to figure it out.  Accept it for what it is, a disorder that devastatingly impacts close relationships.

Will she make real progress toward recovery?  None of us can say either way for sure but we do know that recovery will be a difficult journey if she chooses it and if she sticks with it.  That's the key, as an adult it is her journey whether she takes it or not.  Yes, you could be there as a support if she chooses it but recovery is hers to own or deny.  What YOU can do is learn how to improve yourself and your boundaries so that whatever contact you have with her is as healthy as it can be.  Appeasing, being compliant, being passive or choosing inaction are not productive strategies.