Mother with BPD - considering restraining order

[Jazzyblue]

Hi there,

I am new to posting but I have visited this site for a while. I used to have such a hard time when I was a child wondering when someone would actually understand how I feel. This site and hearing other stories about BPD has given me a sense of validation with respect to my thoughts and feelings.

A bit about my story...

My mother is BPD. She's brilliant, fun, hilarious, kind but at the same time is hateful, aggressive, manipulative, and just downright cruel.  About 11 years ago, the first repercussion of her behavior happened, my younger brother was removed from her custody. Although CPS was often at our home when we were young, we would always lie for her. I have gone through many stages dealing with my mothers illness. I have tried to help her, tried to stay away from her and I have tried to forgive her.  In a moment of hope and forgiveness I chose to have her at my wedding and pretty much made the whole day around actions and situations that I thought would upset her. No matter how much I tried to prevent anything upsetting from happening, she still knew how to make it about her. The last time I saw my mom was a year and a half ago when security escorted her from my reception. During my honeymoon I cried and cried feeling guilty. All I could think about it how I hurt her and how upset she probably was that she was kicked out. Then I realized I was more worried about her than I was my own feelings and the several scenes she made. I looked at my new amazing husband and promised myself I would never let her hurt me or us again. I have blocked her from calling or texting me but she somehow always finds a way around emails. She has my new email without me giving it to her and she will often change her email address to get through blocking or filters. Today she emailed me three times in a 15 minute period which also included and email she forwarded to herself that I had sent a friend 10 years ago so she has hacked my account. She said she's getting information for a book she's writing. It is not unlike her to spread rumors or lie to people about myself and my siblings. I have even moved out of the city she currently lives in and I'm just afraid she will show up at my home or get into my work somehow. I have thought a lot about a restraining order lately but it also terrifies me. At the end of the day I just want to protect myself and my family from her grasp. If anyone has in fact placed a restraining order on their parent or related BPD I would love to get some insight.

Thank you

[kairorose]

wow Im so sorry to hear that about ur mom! I know its devastating for you but she has an illness that negatively affects u and others. If u really feel ur safety is compromised I would do it ... .but I know its hard cuz its "mom"... .smh

My bf is BPD and I struggle with getting one also if we broke up. I will in a heartbeat if I feel endangered. so sorry though! xoxo

[LavaMeetsSea]

Welcome Jazzyblue!

Is it ok if I say that I'm proud of you for having security escort her from your reception?  Because I am.  The fact that it went there is atrocious, but when it came to your own actions, you stood up for yourself and your new family, and you did so publicly, with appropriate support.  Declaring boundaries like that takes more strength than you are acknowledging.  Take in how big that was, and please take some comfort and pride in how well you took care of yourself and your new relatives.  You protected them from an abuser.  And the fact that this has been twisted into something you use to make yourself feel BAD, well that just shows that no, having your younger brother removed from her custody was NOT the first repercussion of her behavior. 

YOU - the child - couching everything in terms of HER - the parent - was.  I mean it makes sense.  Instinctively, it's smart to pay attention to the dangers around us.  If the bully smacks you whenever he gets angry, gosh you'd better make sure he isn't angry, right?  The thing is, I was just reading a wikipedia blurb on family estrangement that notes the common denominator in most cases is one party's glaring lack of empathy.  After reading your post, I'm just going to say that I don't think this is your particular problem.  I also want to say that while I think your mother's pain and feelings are very real and worthy of compassion, I think what you infer when you try to put yourself in her place is probably extremely inaccurate.  I mention this because I bet you're probably very good at reading most people most of the time.  This isn't really about you, or at least it wasn't to begin with.  Your mother is SPECIAL. 

You knew that already though.  What I think you might be missing is that you haven't taken anything away from her that was ever really there.  What you are grieving is the loss of a relationship, or really more the idea of a possible relationship with someone capable of reciprocating love.  Unfortunately, that requires an actual other person who is capable of seeing you back being there.  Losing a relationship, or even the potential of a relationship, is going to be devastating to someone that's actually IN it.  You were in it.  Your mother (and this is not meant as an attack) was not capable.  She got stuck at some ridiculously young age in some other narrative that she can't NOT re-enact.  What she is grieving is more like a favorite TV show going off the air.  There's a relationship, there's a narrative, but she was never actually IN it, because she was too busy super-imposing her own.  Which, frankly, is not going to be all that hard to get over - for her.  Which doesn't mean that she will "get over it", leave you alone and not fixate.  Yeah right.  More like the opposite.  You will be "replaced" with some surrogate the entire time she's punishing you for not complying to her idea of you.  However - and this is really what I'm getting at - the person you should be compassionate towards is yourself.  Really, YOU are the one in the most immediate pain from what I can see.  Empathizing with someone you're attempting to set boundaries with is often disastrously ineffective if you can't override the decades of programming that lead us to feel guilty for protecting ourselves.  Empathy, like charity, needs to begin at the center.  You deserve e-mail privacy.  Heck, we all deserve e-mail privacy, no matter what the NSA claims.  I'm digressing.

I never did a restraining order, though I've certainly contemplated it.  There's something to be said for having a paper trail, though I doubt anything will be immediately effective if she's in the habit of dedicating a certain amount of time everyday to harassing her offspring.  Might shame her into giving you some breathing room though.  I think what I'd be most worried about would be your state of mind, especially if she did something retaliatory after.  This is horrible, but remember that game of adding "in bed" to fortune cookie slogans?  When I contemplated potential outcomes for actions I took with my mother, I used to add, "and if she followed that with a suicide attempt?  Would I be ok?"  It's a weird head space to be in, but I had to get to a place where I knew what I could accept in terms of MY OWN actions, not hers.  All we can do is conduct ourselves with integrity.  What do your other siblings think about it?  Do you have a plan in case she DOES just show up?  That may help in terms of anxiety.  Please take good care of yourself.

lavameetssee