This Grieving is Devious

[Depression = 72% of members]

Haven't posted a thread in a while, haven't even been reading many posts lately. Which I take as a good sign, a sign that I'm detaching, that I'm losing interest.

But this grief is so devious. Every time I think I'm really starting to feel better, that I've reached the final turning point, I find myself making a face plant back into the pain.

I was doing so well last week. Though my ex was still on my mind, the pain elicited by thoughts of her was significantly less than before. As if this lead ball I have been dragging around had gotten lighter; Or, rather than my sorrow being this thick layer of miasma, it had become a thin veil of mist.

But this week I keep plunging back, back into the poison. Intrusive thoughts of her betrayal surface again and again. Memories of the sick repulsive things she had done or said plague me and take on a new meaning. I repeat to myself, "she's so fuking sick." I say, "why? Why did you entrust your heart to that women. She put out her cigarettes in it, she stabbed it through with a knife. Why did this have to happen?" ... .it just did. I accept it, I accept it as radically as I can, moment to moment. Some moments I'm more accepting and compassionate towards myself than others.  But I wish this pain would end.

I've played through the horrific thoughts and memories countless times. When will I stop rewatching these reruns? I know how the story ends. It ends in pain, not resolution. Pain of some of the greatest magnitude I have ever experienced. Pain that is life changing. Pain that I would not wish upon anyone. (Except, from time to time, my ex - secretly hoping she feels the weight of her actions) but I know deep down she has suffered enough. I truly believe she is deeply ashamed for what she did to me. So putrid. I dare not even repeat it. Vile. When sucked in it's hard to do anything other than condemn her.

I'm upset with myself. I seem to have some morbid desire to feel my pain. I don't know if it's normal or not. But it's certainly strange. I listened to a song my ex sent me after she told me about the cheAting. Bad blood from Taylor swift. Which described our situation so perfectly. So yah, she recognized her wrongdoing. But, God damnit, haven't I learned my lesson! Did I want to experience that pAin again? It's as if I picked a scab just when it was really starting to heal up nicely. But no, I had to take a screw driver to it and make it bleed some more.

It's so hard to disengage from the pain and ruminAtions at times. They have this gravity that just pulls me in.

I'm focusing on negatives. But the truth is, this is a step back After taking like 3 steps forward.

Venting about this helps.

Thanks for reading.

[Darsha500]

Haven't posted a thread in a while, haven't even been reading many posts lately. Which I take as a good sign, a sign that I'm detaching, that I'm losing interest.

But this grief is so devious. Every time I think I'm really starting to feel better, that I've reached the final turning point, I find myself making a face plant back into the pain.

I was doing so well last week. Though my ex was still on my mind, the pain elicited by thoughts of her was significantly less than before. As if this lead ball I have been dragging around had gotten lighter; Or, rather than my sorrow being this thick layer of miasma, it had become a thin veil of mist.

But this week I keep plunging back, back into the poison. Intrusive thoughts of her betrayal surface again and again. Memories of the sick repulsive things she had done or said plague me and take on a new meaning. I repeat to myself, "she's so fuking sick." I say, "why? Why did you entrust your heart to that women. She put out her cigarettes in it, she stabbed it through with a knife. Why did this have to happen?" ... .it just did. I accept it, I accept it as radically as I can, moment to moment. Some moments I'm more accepting and compassionate towards myself than others.  But I wish this pain would end.

I've played through the horrific thoughts and memories countless times. When will I stop rewatching these reruns? I know how the story ends. It ends in pain, not resolution. Pain of some of the greatest magnitude I have ever experienced. Pain that is life changing. Pain that I would not wish upon anyone. (Except, from time to time, my ex - secretly hoping she feels the weight of her actions) but I know deep down she has suffered enough. I truly believe she is deeply ashamed for what she did to me. So putrid. I dare not even repeat it. Vile. When sucked in it's hard to do anything other than condemn her.

I'm upset with myself. I seem to have some morbid desire to feel my pain. I don't know if it's normal or not. But it's certainly strange. I listened to a song my ex sent me after she told me about the cheAting. Bad blood from Taylor swift. Which described our situation so perfectly. So yah, she recognized her wrongdoing. But, God damnit, haven't I learned my lesson! Did I want to experience that pAin again? It's as if I picked a scab just when it was really starting to heal up nicely. But no, I had to take a screw driver to it and make it bleed some more.

It's so hard to disengage from the pain and ruminAtions at times. They have this gravity that just pulls me in.

I'm focusing on negatives. But the truth is, this is a step back After taking like 3 steps forward.

Venting about this helps.

Thanks for reading.

[SGraham]

Im sorry to hear that darsha, yeah its odd how the pain can sneak attack us right when we are feeling better.

I'm upset with myself. I seem to have some morbid desire to feel my pain. I don't know if it's normal or not. But it's certainly strange. I listened to a song my ex sent me after she told me about the cheAting. Bad blood from Taylor swift. Which described our situation so perfectly. So yah, she recognized her wrongdoing. But, God damnit, haven't I learned my lesson! Did I want to experience that pAin again? It's as if I picked a scab just when it was really starting to heal up nicely. But no, I had to take a screw driver to it and make it bleed some more.

I think it's perfectly normal to almost want to feel the pain, a lot of the time i end up torturing myself with memories, it really is quite terrible. Anyway, just wanted you to know im in the same boat.

[balletomane]

I came to the forum tonight to write this very post. You wrote it for me. Every word. I can't say anything to help, but I can say that I'm here too and I understand.

[rotiroti]

Hey Darsha500,

Good to see you again, and even better to hear of your continued healing. I have also been posting and reading much less -- I think it was a means of holding onto the last threads of my BPDexfiancee. I know when I'm fully detached, I will want to return to pay the kindness and support forward.

We all process the stages of grief differently... .I even find myself cycling through the various steps all the time. What you wrote about being upset at yourself is a HUGE step -- it means you are seeking resolution from within.

[dan1966]

Darsha,

Reading your post helped me to feel a little less isolated. I wrote an apology email today, trying to take ownership of my part of things. I didn't send it. I flipped back to thinking of how poorly she treated me and am questioning why I am still trying to take more of the responsibilty for how things ended. It really is astonishing to me how we have all gone through such a similar experience with BPD relationships.

I had started to read less on the forums and post very little but have been triggered lately by some minor exchanges I had with the udexBPDgf. Every time it seems like you I am right back to square one in the grieving. Pain, regret, ruminations and wanting to bargain my way back to a relationship that left me more broken than I thought was possible.

I'm determined to recover but it is one tough road.

Dan