Bpd and church

[stacma04]

Did anyone ever experience there BPD who was religious. My exBPDbf goes to church every Sunday. Was also baptized years ago while starting his sobriety. I noticed that every time we break up and get back together, he cries at the service saying that he was just so emotional about us getting back together. He also says he never questions god but is so thankful that God brought me back in his life. Just wondering if anyone has experienced this. It just blows my mind that someone who claimed to love God can just be so hurtful.  we have now been NC for 3 months and he is now engaged to the OW. Anyone experienced this

[Terle]

I haven't tried it with a partner but my mum is a uBPD and she got progressivly more catholic during my upbringing. It destroyed her marriage, cause she started out pretty normal and my dad is agnostic. Suddenly when i was a teen, she was SOO religious, and she has tried to convert my brother and me since then, so for cirka 15 years.

Its quite weird, yeah, what you said about how they can claim to love god and be so spiteful and selfcentered. I think for my mum the religion gives her rules and guidelines about how to life and she needs that desperately.

Maybe its the same for your ex?

For my mum its the added aspect of being "pure" cause she was abused as a child, so if she keeps "clean" now, no sex and a lot of praying, i think, she thinks she can sort of cleanse herself of percieved sin.

[stacma04]

I agre with you on them using religion as a guideline. I think he thinks that he's living his life the right way as to what the bible says . Who knows at this point. Maybe if he goes to church he feels like he's the perfect Christian . I have no idea anymore. I honestly believe he doesn't feel like he's done anything wrong. I've completely stop going to the same church because it just seems so hypocritical of him

[balletomane]

I agre with you on them using religion as a guideline. I think he thinks that he's living his life the right way as to what the bible says . Who knows at this point. Maybe if he goes to church he feels like he's the perfect Christian . I have no idea anymore. I honestly believe he doesn't feel like he's done anything wrong. I've completely stop going to the same church because it just seems so hypocritical of him

A lot of people with BPD seem to contradict themselves like this - they say they believe one thing but then act in completely the opposite way. Sometimes they just don't see the dissonance. As far as they're concerned, everything they do is completely normal. My ex, who has a massive cruel streak, once told me, "I have been nothing but kind to you." I've no doubt that he believes that. So it's not hypocrisy as such - it's a real lack of self-awareness and insight. If a person with BPD were able to listen to a Bible reading about being considerate of others and automatically think, "This is true - I shouldn't have done XYZ the other day, I must go and apologise for it" then they probably wouldn't have BPD. Their disorder means that they don't have the ability to be reflective like that. It's an ability they have to develop with treatment and a lot of effort on their part.

[wavelife]

Oh can I relate!

My BPDw is very religious but an absolute hypocrite at the same time.

First we had to be married so we would be inline with her beliefs

Then at the end of every break up (there were a few) she would proclaim that this is how it should be and God wants us together and our marriage is anointed.

To, God does not want me to be with you any more... .

Now she is engaged to who could be her fifth husband while still married to me.  All the while covering her media in blurbs on how to live as a good Christian... .

It was the same as everything with her though. Can talk the talk but can not walk the walk.

I just wonder if she ever takes a step back and wonders... .I am preaching to all my friends but in actual fact I am living in a way that is against scripture?  Or can she just not even see it?  No matter how glaring it is!

I wonder if one of her friends would ever dare calling her on it?  ha

Oh well... .I know its not my place to judge but man its tiring biting my lip!

[SGraham]

My ex and i are both athiests. Though i am an athiests because of what i see as scientific contradictions where as she is an athiest because of what she  perceives as the church being to consevative. I made sure to word that how i did to show that those are just our opinions, i have nothing but love for our religious members on here     

[once removed]

i have several responses, and its hard to know where to start.

religious hypocrisy is not unique to either BPD or christianity. its unique to people. the vast majority of americans profess to be christian. statistically speaking, you will find lots of hypocrisy where a "vast majority" is involved. and its far easier to examine the speck in someone elses eye than the plank in your own.

in this case we have a deep seated personality disorder at work here. i think we all know the difficulties a person with BPD has at accepting an others love, let alone self loving. feeling and accepting the love of a god is no less difficult when you, at your core, believe you are all bad, to the extent you even know who you are.

we all are capable of spinning our own idea of what god wants for us. i strongly believed god intended my BPDex to be my life long partner, at the time. obviously, i am long past that idea, but i believed it very strongly at the time.

you see, my ex had a disdain for religion when i met her. i have a bit of a pattern of choosing people that dont share my faith, which is otherwise a value of mine. i remember making the case for god to her. she was fairly receptive. a few weeks later, she came to me in tears telling me that she had just prayed for my friends and i; to this day it is one of the most heartfelt expressions that i have ever heard, maybe ever will hear. did she retain this heartfelt belief in god after our relationship? no.

to reiterate, a personality disorder and lack of a sense of self are at work here. this means values can come and go within minutes. beliefs, religion, which are part of a sense of self, are no different. while i believe, powerfully, in the possibilities of faith, there is no evidence that it suddenly cures a personality disorder... .or a personality flaw, like hypocrisy. we can explain some of this with BPD. the fact is, the faithful are just as imperfect as you and me.

[Brighter Days]

My husband and I met at church and I thought he was a committed Christian.  He had attended bible college, could quote scripture and pray, and was active in volunteering at the church.  However, after we got married, I struggled with how he could present himself fairly well out in public, but home was a different story.  I would never know what his frame of mind would be when we got behind the closed door of our home.  I now realize he was emotionally abusive to my children and I, and I often would turn it around on us, claiming to be the victim, and blaming us for his outbursts.  It was not a happy time.

I do know that when we were first married, there were times when he seemed to understand that his behaviour was contradictory to what he claimed to believe.  Back then, he would become very remorseful.  But as the years went on, his heart seemed to harden and he was no longer able to see or admit that his faith was not impacting the way he chose to live his life.