Hurting badly in need of advice- Letting my BPD move home was a bad mistake

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPD ex moved home last week... .I thought maybe she would settle down and get some clarity being back home in her normal routine but after a few days... .she started right back up with her crazy behavior... .I come to find out she is on a dating site talking to tons of strangers looking for a new relationship. She has been sleeping on a futon in the guest room, though she tried to sleep in bed with me Saturday night, saying that she still has no feelings for me but only did this because she had a couple of beers.

She actually got on the phone with an internet stranger right in front of me. It set me off. After this, We had an intense conversation where she basically painted me to black and minimized all 4 years of the relationship, saying it is in the past and she never loved me... .that I am not what she wants and alluded to the fact that she does not care at all about me... .said she is going to date other people and she doesn't care what I think... .she just wants to be friends and live in the house... .but the other day when I said I was thinking of moving 3000 miles away, said she wants to go to and will move anywhere I go. I do not understand this at all.

I lost it. I told her to sit and listen and basically told her off, told her how she has hurt me, manipulated me, lied to me... .explained the hurt she has caused me, how disappointed I am in myself for staying with her. How broken hearted my deceased mother would be that, to honor her memory, I used her ring for my proposal on a woman who did not deserve my love. I told her a part of me hates her for what she has done to me. I told her that, the fact that I was only 26 when we met and had just lost my father to bone marrow cancer, making me an adult orphan, made me vulnerable to her and I felt like she used this to her advantage. I told her that, had my father been alive when we got into the relationship, I would be a stronger person and probably would have left her two months in after she began to act out and I saw the red flags. I told her that, her knowing what I had gone through, yet stringing me along and manipulating me into letting her in for so long was a horrible and bad hearted thing to do. She really got in the way of my grieving process. I told her that I cannot believe she made up someone and pretended to be this fake person she created whom she thought would gain my approval and love over the last 4 years and that she tricked me into falling in love with a pretend person... .that I never even knew her, thus how could the love have ever been real. She had tears in her eyes and started to cry a couple of times but fought it and blew it off. I UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS PROBABLY A BAD THING TO DO WITH A BPD, BUT THE HURT WAS SO IMMENSE I FELT LIKE I WAS COMPELLED TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF. As soon as we returned home, she got right on the phone again with strangers.

I know it is time to cut ties now because she breaking my heart and killing me inside. I have lost about 15 pounds over the 2 months we broke up and continue to drop weight. I am losing sleep. I am hurting day in and day out... .I really do believe if I let her stay in my life, it will kill me or at the very least, I will become a tired, drained, ill shell of myself and it will drive me crazy. I don't understand why it is so hard for me to put her out on the street. I almost wish she would run off with someone else, one of the strangers, and leave and never look back.

It is just incredibly painful to realize they never even cared about you when you loved them so much.

I feel  hopeless. I don't know why I cannot muster the courage up to kick her out... .I don't understand why I care about the well being of someone who cares nothing for me.

[CharWood]

My BPD ex moved home last week... .I thought maybe she would settle down and get some clarity being back home in her normal routine but after a few days... .she started right back up with her crazy behavior... .I come to find out she is on a dating site talking to tons of strangers looking for a new relationship. She has been sleeping on a futon in the guest room, though she tried to sleep in bed with me Saturday night, saying that she still has no feelings for me but only did this because she had a couple of beers.

She actually got on the phone with an internet stranger right in front of me. It set me off. After this, We had an intense conversation where she basically painted me to black and minimized all 4 years of the relationship, saying it is in the past and she never loved me... .that I am not what she wants and alluded to the fact that she does not care at all about me... .said she is going to date other people and she doesn't care what I think... .she just wants to be friends and live in the house... .but the other day when I said I was thinking of moving 3000 miles away, said she wants to go to and will move anywhere I go. I do not understand this at all.

I lost it. I told her to sit and listen and basically told her off, told her how she has hurt me, manipulated me, lied to me... .explained the hurt she has caused me, how disappointed I am in myself for staying with her. How broken hearted my deceased mother would be that, to honor her memory, I used her ring for my proposal on a woman who did not deserve my love. I told her a part of me hates her for what she has done to me. I told her that, the fact that I was only 26 when we met and had just lost my father to bone marrow cancer, making me an adult orphan, made me vulnerable to her and I felt like she used this to her advantage. I told her that, had my father been alive when we got into the relationship, I would be a stronger person and probably would have left her two months in after she began to act out and I saw the red flags. I told her that, her knowing what I had gone through, yet stringing me along and manipulating me into letting her in for so long was a horrible and bad hearted thing to do. She really got in the way of my grieving process. I told her that I cannot believe she made up someone and pretended to be this fake person she created whom she thought would gain my approval and love over the last 4 years and that she tricked me into falling in love with a pretend person... .that I never even knew her, thus how could the love have ever been real. She had tears in her eyes and started to cry a couple of times but fought it and blew it off. I UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS PROBABLY A BAD THING TO DO WITH A BPD, BUT THE HURT WAS SO IMMENSE I FELT LIKE I WAS COMPELLED TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF. As soon as we returned home, she got right on the phone again with strangers.

I know it is time to cut ties now because she breaking my heart and killing me inside. I have lost about 15 pounds over the 2 months we broke up and continue to drop weight. I am losing sleep. I am hurting day in and day out... .I really do believe if I let her stay in my life, it will kill me or at the very least, I will become a tired, drained, ill shell of myself and it will drive me crazy. I don't understand why it is so hard for me to put her out on the street. I almost wish she would run off with someone else, one of the strangers, and leave and never look back.

It is just incredibly painful to realize they never even cared about you when you loved them so much.

I feel  hopeless. I don't know why I cannot muster the courage up to kick her out... .I don't understand why I care about the well being of someone who cares nothing for me.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Hi,  Felling hopeless.  Its understandable when in love.  I know your pain.  When my ex moved in she was an addict.  I loved her so much.  Wait through cheating, paying off her legal fees, keeping her out of jail paid her rent, car bills, eventually she did move in and thought we turned a corner,  she became clean, got a job, stopped cheating.  Yet in the end, she could not love me.  I thought ok.  Maybe it could still work, but no of course not,  it only worked because she needed me.  And when she didnt.  Well, you can guess what happened.  I had a life of balance and 400k when she moved in.  Shortly after she moved out I was broke and jobless.  It took ounce of will power to not punch her lights out and calmly ask her to leave.  I know how a partner in my life who loves me for me.  I can not support this new partner emotionally of financially.  None the less she loves me for me.  life is to short.  I didn't have this new relationship lined up.  Honestly I just didn't want to physically hurt my BPD ex one day.  She had a few guys she cheated on me with who hit her real badly a few time.  I understand why even though it isnt right.  I am so sorry for you.  Please keep reading post,  you can send a email if you have any questions.  Sorry again.

[OnceConfused]

good luck my friend. Now you have learned a new lesson, that people don't change that easily.

You need to take this time out to see why you did what you did. It will reveal so much about your characters and your weaknesses. Hopefully, you can learn from this and correct your weaknesses and be stronger for the next beautiful person you meet.