It's been ten weeks :(

[whitebackatcha]

She's unfriended me from ever site except one (  and liked something of mine there a few weeks ago that she had already seen long ago, only to unlike it afterwards  ). I texted her once at one week NC, and once at 5 or 6 weeks. Nothing. Our last conversation was her still wanting to talk. Now it's like I was never born.

I still feel sad. I still miss her. I started DBT to work on my on becoming who I want to be, now that I don't have that relationship taking almost all my energy. The changes are good. I have no idea how she could ever fix this mess she made. You don't pretend someone doesn't exist after a multiple year relationship. Yet I still hope... .something.

I will be beside myself when (and I'm assuming it's only a matter of time, it must be) she finally unfriends me on that last site. It's the only evidence I have that she still want me in her life in some way. And here I thought she would never truly leave.

I hate that I'm still sad, when she can just go on like nothing happened.

[enlighten me]

Hi Whitebackatcha

It can seem heartless the way we are discarded. The disorder is complicated and we can only guess at their motives. The being dropped as if we never existed is all too common. I personally feel that it isn't a case that we meant nothing to them and they have forgotten we existed. They like us are trying their best to forget as it is too painful for them. The reason why they left is often unknown and we hardly ever get closure from them.

I have seen many times how we are painted black in the end and realise that I as many others here also do this. We need to paint them black to help with detaching from them as seeing the good only makes it harder. Therefore if we do this then isn't it feasible that they are doing the same?

The more they paint you black could be that they are struggling to really find anything to vilify you with so have to go over the top to counter the good times.

A lot of people struggle with how they move on so quick and seem so happy. How do you think you have portrayed yourself to the world? Have you got on with your life as if nothing is wrong? Have you posted things on fb saying how miserable you are? or have you put on a front that your ok? Maybe you've even made it look as if your doing fun things to show the ex what she's missing.

If we can do these things then is it a surprise if they do?

[whitebackatcha]

Enlighten me,

Thanks for that reminder. I know you're right. I think I have a LITTLE more sense as to why she left than some, because she mentioned the difficulty of having a long distance relationship. I know that is valid. I guess I hate feeling so powerless. She can choose to respond or not, and there is nothing I can do about it. Also, it isn't healthy for me to attempt to contact her again, so I have to accept that there isn't a magical way of working this out on my end.

I appreciate the reminder, since it comes from someone who understands BPD. I'm sure I'll reread it in the future.

[shatra]

Whitebackat wrote

I will be beside myself when (and I'm assuming it's only a matter of time, it must be) she finally unfriends me on that last site. It's the only evidence I have that she still want me in her life in some way. And here I thought she would never truly leave.

I hate that I'm still sad, when she can just go on like nothing happened

-----Her keeping that one site connection could be her hanging on in a way. She may feel sad too, just doesn't allow hersefl to feel it (a defense, since the pain would overwhelm her).  Or blocking it out since the memories would hurt her too much if she felt the good memories.  Or it could be splitting, and she sees you as 100% black right now?

[enlighten me]

Hi Whitebackatcha

If Im honest (which I like to think I am) I didn't listen to much advice on how to move on. Well not in the beginning anyway. I hadn't heard of BPD and my friends although sympathetic just didn't get it.

Its a very personal thing and we each have to go at our own pace. I did do things that worked for me. I will now bore you as I have so many others with what I think the best thing I did was. I booked a holiday on my own to Turkey for two weeks and I learnt to scuba dive. It was something that I had always wanted to do. The experience was amazing. I didn't have to talk about myself at the end of the day as everyone was too busy talking about diving. I couldn't talk about anything during the day as its hard to hold a conversation underwater. I came back a changed man and even my ex wife said how different I was when I collected my boys. What was nice about it was that it was a totally selfish act. I had spent so long running around for my ex wife and looking after my kids that I had neglected myself.

You sound as if your heading in the right direction. Remember we are always here when you need some support.

EM

[whitebackatcha]

Her keeping that one site connection could be her hanging on in a way. She may feel sad too, just doesn't allow hersefl to feel it (a defense, since the pain would overwhelm her).  Or blocking it out since the memories would hurt her too much if she felt the good memories.  Or it could be splitting, and she sees you as 100% black right now?

All possible. It's just that wondering why she doesn't follow it up with further contact, and then wondering how long before she doesn't want that connection anymore either. I'm on this message board to figure out how to deal with her behaviors, yet SHE left ME. It's cruel.

[whitebackatcha]

Hi Whitebackatcha

If Im honest (which I like to think I am) I didn't listen to much advice on how to move on. Well not in the beginning anyway. I hadn't heard of BPD and my friends although sympathetic just didn't get it.

Its a very personal thing and we each have to go at our own pace. I did do things that worked for me. I will now bore you as I have so many others with what I think the best thing I did was. I booked a holiday on my own to Turkey for two weeks and I learnt to scuba dive. It was something that I had always wanted to do. The experience was amazing. I didn't have to talk about myself at the end of the day as everyone was too busy talking about diving. I couldn't talk about anything during the day as its hard to hold a conversation underwater. I came back a changed man and even my ex wife said how different I was when I collected my boys. What was nice about it was that it was a totally selfish act. I had spent so long running around for my ex wife and looking after my kids that I had neglected myself.

You sound as if your heading in the right direction. Remember we are always here when you need some support.

EM

I love that. I've actually been learning to do the things I was too scared to do before. I very much lived vicariously through my ex. She obviously had her issues, but wow, she was as amazing as she was difficult. I realized I needed to create that amazingness for myself. It's been good, and necessary. How long were you married?

[enlighten me]

Hi whitebackatcha

I was married for 10 years and with her for 3 before that.

I think this amazingness is part of the difficulty. After my ex wife I got together with an exgf from 20 years previous. She was one of these amazing people. She is also the reason that I learnt about BPD because along with the amazingness was the "difficulty" to put it in a very very polite and toned down way.

A lot of amazing and talented people have PDs and I think this is where the talent comes from. A friend of mine is bi polar and he was saying that when he had a manic episode he used to achieve amazing things. He was driven and creative.

Ive done a lot in my life. I have been to some incredible places and done thing that some people only dream about yet when my exgf would talk about something it was captivating and sounded so exciting. I realise now that it had a child like quality to it. It was like seeing the world through a childs eyes. Exciting and new.

Amazing can be found anywhere you just have to see the world through more innocent eyes.

EM