No more affection for BPD mom

[Sarah girl]

One of my earliest memories is that of me sitting outside a locked bathroom door, begging my suicidal mother to please come out. That was the beginning of my role as her doomed therapist. After that point, my sole purpose in life was to save her. I was five years old.

Fast-forward to 35 years later, I'm a mom of 2, expecting my third and happily married.

I have lost count of the number of times that I've been accused by my mother of being a traitor. I was called traitor every time I made a friend, bonded with other members of my family or was generally happy in a situation that did not include her as the central figure.

I regularly get accused of being ungrateful. The last time she cursed me saying that she wishes my own daughter treats me the same way that I am treating her.

She is divorced from my dad and has told me that if I ever seek contact with him, I will be dead to her.

She tries to manipulate me and my family with money, food and guilt, all of which we categorically refuse, much to her outrage.

She demands an intimate mother-daughter relationship with me. I'm at a point in my life where I recoil every time I hear her voice. I can't stand her and feel like an awful person for feeling that way. I've reached a point where I can't accept any affection from her nor do I feel any affection towards her. I just go through the motions out of a sense of obligation. I do feel bad for her though.

A friend of mine just lost her mom and I find myself thinking how wonderful it would be to be free of my mom.

My brother worships the ground she walks on. He feels that she's the best human being who has ever lived. I can never tell him how I feel.

I have had counselling and try as best I can to set and maintain boundaries. She fights them vehemently.

My hope is that one day, I can feel at peace with walking away.

[LavaMeetsSea]

  if ok Sarah.

I think when we're given an ultimatum like that so early in life, our psyche can't help trying out, at least in dreams, all the alternatives, just to prepare us.  To blame yourself for emotional self-defense feels like more of her manipulation, with a little societal reinforcement thrown on top.  How many times can people threaten to kill themselves before we're supposed to prepare ourselves for the possibility?  And maybe even - HOPE for it?  Totally normal and human and, unless we wanted the indentured servitudes that were our childhoods to turn into life-long slavery, the only possible way out.  Think of it as a mental line you have to break through to break free, a psychologically bruising Red Rover game that's the only way to get you off this particular field.  She's the one that made these the terms, not you.

You know something I try when I get confused?  Youtube Diana Damrau singing the Queen of the Night's second aria.  You can get the same result from watching "Amadeus", but this is shorter and nobody does ":)er Holle Roche" better than Diana, so take five minutes to just really let her in, while thinking about your own mother.  It should help to restore some sense of perspective, both that this is not about you, because it's such a terrible cliche, and that you aren't gonna make any headway with her.  From what you typed it sounds like you already know that, but the validation should help, or at least inject some beauty into an otherwise just excruciating dynamic.  Please be gentle and good to yourself.

[MiserableDaughter]

Sarah Girl... .I could have written that post! Does she let you live with your husband in peace? Does she try to get your children on "her side?" Does she compete with you for your kids? What does your husband think of all this? I'm 36, married with 3 year old son. My husband and I are moving across the country in a few weeks. She has caused so much damage in our life and our marriage that I just need a break far away... .I need to breathe and heal. I can go through the obligations and motions with her but I can't stand her trying to compete with me for my son and saying weird things to him like he is 30, and not 3. I have an enabling father which makes it worse. My brother has similar experiences but he never reacts and just agrees with her in order to keep peace. Let's talk more. You sound like you have been in a similar boat. I also kept doing it all out of obligation and guilt. But I got blamed over and over again. Nothing I ever did was enough. I got punished for trying to have a life. Mom needs to be the center of everything and every situation... .People go to their moms for support and to help with their problems. My mom has shaken my foundation and creates my problems! My mother also wants an intimate mother daughter relationship. She gives me a million examples of how girls are so attached to their moms. But she doesn't understand that that is a MUTUALLY nurturing relationship! Not just saying how great and right your mom is all the time! And my mom has said the same quote to me "I hope your daughter punishes you the same way you are punishing me."

[MiserableDaughter]

Also, I could not come to peace with completely walking away due to my own guilt of doing that. So my best compromise was moving far away. We will see how well that goes. So far there has been crying and guilt every day and saying how daughters never leave their parents. My brother moves closer with his new wife but they say "we don't care about him. We are attached to YOU. And girls are different!" Ugh... .

[Sarah girl]

Hi,

Thanks so much for the validation and responses. I will definitely check out that aria. Also LavaMeetsSea, thanks for validating my desire to be free of my mom. It's so hard to feel that way and not feel like a terrible person for it.

MiserableDaughter, my mom does try to interfere in my marriage and every other aspect of my life. It has been a long and very painful journey with her. I went from idolizing and protecting her as a child to being angry and resentful of her as an adult.

I am quite tired of the uncertainty of her moods and live in dread of her next psychotic episode. Her last one was in the presence of my children. Now I feel like it's the calm before the storm and that all hell will break loose once my third baby is born and I'm more vulnerable to her blame and rage. The postpartum phase has always triggered the worst meltdowns in her. She drags me through the darkest chapters of her past with each birth and somehow blames me for them. 

My husband won't have any of it. He wants to see me happy and at peace from her emotional grasp. He tries to reassure me when I start fearing or anticipating her next episode.

As for my kids, she plays favourites. She loves and spoils my son while she resents my daughter. Her behavior has thrown a monkey wrench in our parenting. This is why in the past two years, I have worked with a counsellor and have established some very strict boundaries with her. It was the last straw when she didn't come to my daughter's sixth birthday party, blaming her for conspiring against her.

I am at a point where I'm ready to start letting go and reconnect with extended family. This will be hard since I was instructed from a very early age that they are all bad and that having a relationship with any of them would constitute betrayal.

I don't want to live in her shadow as her possession to flaunt to others. I am more than that. I get the "girls have a greater duty towards their mothers" speech from her all the time. Despite the fact that she expects less of my brother, he can do no wrong in her eyes. He's 100% devoted to her emotionally which makes it difficult for him to commit to any relationship with a woman. I do not envy him.

I'm so grateful for having found this message board and hope for healing and a more peaceful future. I know I have a long way to go until my guilt subsides and I stop being so guarded with everybody.

I think moving will be good for you. We are thinking of doing the same once the little one is born. In the meantime, I'm trying to be brave and enjoy moments without feeling that the happiness should be my mom's and not mine.

[MiserableDaughter]

Your words resonate with me so very much. Seriously, your posts could be my own. Yes, I too feel like a possession to flaunt as is my son to her. Your husband calms you down, you said. You are lucky. My husband is so angry now that she has ruined so much of our marriage and our lives, that I cannot share my stress with him anymore. He just gets more angry and wants me to cut contact, and doesn't understands why I can't. We both (ages 36 and 42) have major ailments, likely resulting from years of stress. I have MS and he had a massive heart attack two years ago. I just couldn't take being stuck in the middle anymore. My mother always puts me on a roller coaster. I never know what day is what mood. I never know what will offend her. I'm always being pulled by her for more. On one side I have her and the other side my husband whom I cannot talk to about this. However, he feels my stress because it becomes obvious through my demeanor which makes him more angry. I have seen a therapist for 8 years. I've been able to draw some boundaries but she fights them and makes me feel so awful about them. The only option without fully cutting contact is to move. I need to focus on my life and my marriage. If I keep dealing with her in person and trying to keep my marriage I will end up in the looney bin. They can truly make you crazy. It's great that you have a loving husband. Congratulations on your pregnancy! There are way to mentally separate without physically doing it... .But frankly I haven't been able to achieve that... .

[MindfulPresent]

Wow - agree with Miserable Daughter on the similarities!

Pregnancy should be a time where you get to put your physical and emotional needs first as you are at your strongest and most vulnerable all at the same time!  - as you said before, she has blown up in front of your children and you expect the same for post-partum.  You are not selfish to think of your needs and those of your new child and children first.  One thing I've discussed in therapy is to focus on what is best for you at this very moment.  If you need NC/LC to re-evaluate and move forward, that's ok and it doesn't mean that you can't re-establish contact when you are more comfortable and firm in your boundaries and she respects them.  You also have a duty to protect your children from what you have experienced - if she is already blaming your six year old... .imagine what will happen when she turns 13.   

Advice from experience - moving can create its own set of issues, although helps with the LC - it does make it more difficult for the trips you do have to take because the fear of abandonment looms large and makes the visit prone to blow ups.  Also, set expectations with family reconnections - know that often times BPD/npd can be an entire extended family dynamic - so you may find wonderful people, or you may find whole new sets of issues.  Either way - it's a journey and a learning experience! 

[Sarah girl]

MiserableDaughter, I'm so sorry you are going through so much stress. I very much believe that stress leads to health issues. It seems to me like you are at a point in your life where you need to think about self-preservation first and foremost. No matter how sick you get, it will not change your mom's BPD.

Marriage is hard on a good day. I do remember a time when my mom's behavior monopolized all of my relationships; especially the one with my husband. She immediately hates anyone that I form a bond with and makes it her mission to convince me to hate that person too. It's been a pattern since I can remember.

The thing that has helped our marriage is changing our focus. We always remind ourselves why we are together in the first place. I think about why I love my husband and cherish what we have. You deserve quality time together. You deserve a happy marriage. The time you have together belongs to you - remember that the next time your mind wanders to your mom's anger when you're with him. Remember the happy times and give yourself permission to create new ones. Your mom's misery isn't going anywhere and it'll be there whether you enjoy your marriage or not.

My husband is also angry with my mom. He has suggested NC in the past and we have fought about it for years. He has a really hard time with how it has affected the dynamic with our children. He understands my torn feelings because his parents have narcissistic tendencies that have had a similar impact on his life and on our married life. We've learned to support each other over the years and not let others' toxic behaviors seep into our relationship. It's a daily struggle though and nothing is ever perfect.

MindfulPresent, you brought up a valuable point. Whenever I limit contact with my mom, things get a lot more volatile. It's been extremely difficult to cut contact down to once every other day. Not calling her every day and not visiting every time she asks has led to a lot of hostility and tension. Things are quite tense these days and I can feel her rage simmering just beneath the surface. It's only a matter of time until she unleashes it.

I am learning to be ok with her disapproval. I'm learning that feeling uncomfortable with someone's disapproval is better than feeling resentful for having compromised myself or my family. I am not at that point where I can have no contact. I still feel too concerned for her but I don't know if I love her. This is why I sometimes feel that it would just be better if we were separated by circumstances.

The next big step is to have a birthing experience without her. I don't want her at the hospital or anywhere near me when it all goes down. When my son was being born, she wouldn't leave the delivery room even though I kept telling her that I didn't want her there. She was trying to push my husband out of the way. It was traumatic. She also stood there criticizing my doctor and telling her what to do. The next day she came to the hospital and told me that she should be my son's legal guardian because I was clearly not capable of parenting. Sorry I ranted - it's still very painful.

I'm glad you're moving. It seems like it couldn't happen soon enough. Please concentrate on your own health. You have a family and a life and this is more important than her emotional blackmail.