Yup They don't ever really go away

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Happy Monday, everyone!  I used to shake my head when my T would say to me "they don't ever really go away!"  I've been out of my 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf for nearly 2 years.  I hadn't seen her in over a year and hadn't heard from her since around the first of the year.  Life has changed pretty dramatically for me over the past year +.  I've been in a reciprocating love r/s with a fabulous non PD lady for a little over a year and we are now buying a home together. 

A couple weeks ago, my partner shared with me that one of her narc ex bf's texted and called her recently.  We laughed about the exchange and I said "hey, it's been months since I heard from my ex gf!"  Famous last words!  So, I was at a veterinary clinic having my dog checked out and I noticed a text that just arrived.  It was from a number that I didn't initially recognize and thought it was from someone else.  The texter referenced a concert coming up for a band we used to follow together and an invitation to go with her.  The text was pleasant enough and ended with her saying "I hope you are well".  I immediately figured out it was and had to chuckle.  First, I just told my partner that I hadn't heard from ex gf in months and it was very ironic that I was at a vet clinic when the text arrived.  You see, my ex is a veterinarian and was ridiculously jealous of my little dog.  Anyway, in the past I would have just hit delete and probably been bothered by the text.  This time, again I chuckled and just replied "thanks, you too."  I certainly didn't answer her question about going to the concert.  I did hardcore NC for months and now a quick response was ok.

I took a couple things away from it all.  One was the words of my T saying "they don't ever really go away".  So true in more than one way.  Yeah, she'll most likely throw a text or email out to me which is actually ok.  It helps me understand how fortunate I am to be out of that kind of r/s and to be in a happy and healthy reciprocating r/s.  She'll also never really go away from my life experiences and references that helped mold who I am today.  I have said in the past many times that it took about a year to recover and detach.  I think it really took longer, especially the detachment part.  I can see now that detachment for me means I can live my life not feeling attached to her or the feelings/energy from that r/s.  I can also fully live my life and not feel I have to hide from the feelings or experiences of the past.  Again, they helped make me who I am... .

[Madison66]

Happy Monday, everyone!  I used to shake my head when my T would say to me "they don't ever really go away!"  I've been out of my 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf for nearly 2 years.  I hadn't seen her in over a year and hadn't heard from her since around the first of the year.  Life has changed pretty dramatically for me over the past year +.  I've been in a reciprocating love r/s with a fabulous non PD lady for a little over a year and we are now buying a home together. 

A couple weeks ago, my partner shared with me that one of her narc ex bf's texted and called her recently.  We laughed about the exchange and I said "hey, it's been months since I heard from my ex gf!"  Famous last words!  So, I was at a veterinary clinic having my dog checked out and I noticed a text that just arrived.  It was from a number that I didn't initially recognize and thought it was from someone else.  The texter referenced a concert coming up for a band we used to follow together and an invitation to go with her.  The text was pleasant enough and ended with her saying "I hope you are well".  I immediately figured out it was and had to chuckle.  First, I just told my partner that I hadn't heard from ex gf in months and it was very ironic that I was at a vet clinic when the text arrived.  You see, my ex is a veterinarian and was ridiculously jealous of my little dog.  Anyway, in the past I would have just hit delete and probably been bothered by the text.  This time, again I chuckled and just replied "thanks, you too."  I certainly didn't answer her question about going to the concert.  I did hardcore NC for months and now a quick response was ok.

I took a couple things away from it all.  One was the words of my T saying "they don't ever really go away".  So true in more than one way.  Yeah, she'll most likely throw a text or email out to me which is actually ok.  It helps me understand how fortunate I am to be out of that kind of r/s and to be in a happy and healthy reciprocating r/s.  She'll also never really go away from my life experiences and references that helped mold who I am today.  I have said in the past many times that it took about a year to recover and detach.  I think it really took longer, especially the detachment part.  I can see now that detachment for me means I can live my life not feeling attached to her or the feelings/energy from that r/s.  I can also fully live my life and not feel I have to hide from the feelings or experiences of the past.  Again, they helped make me who I am... .

[Reforming]

Hi Madiison66

Not long after I separated from ex I read here that is was common for BPDs to get back in touch and that it was important to be prepared.

Mine reached out over a year after we'd speared and texted me. Ironically I was just finishing up a session with my T. At that time I wasn't ready for any contact, but it was very upsetting and I didn't respond.

Thankfully I'm in a different place now and better equipped to deal with any interaction though to be honest I still don't feel it would be healthy to for us to get in contact.

Reading some of your first posts here I'm struck by some strong similarities in some of the things that you're ex and my ex said. Mine was sexually abused and would say that I thought she was broken and needed to be fixed.

I knew she'd been deeply hurt and that it had marked her, but I tried the best I could to love her for who she was. I now realise that the biggest problem was that she couldn't love herself and nobody else's love could ever fill that hole.

It's very sad, but one of the biggest lessons I've learned is that no matter how badly you've been hurt it does not give you the right to hurt others. We're all responsible for our actions.

It sounds like you've worked really hard to get yourself into a good place. You deserve a lot of respect and the love of someone who can love you back in the way that you need. And it sounds like you're getting that.

Well done and the best of luck.  

Reforming