Do DBT programs vary?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was watching a Youtube video, made by a young woman who was attending DBT classes. She went into great detail about the paperwork and how her DBT classes work. I attended one of BPDh's DBT therapy sessions(he asked me to).

What I've noticed, is that BPDh's T seems much less "intense", and less structured, I guess you'd say? He doesn't seem to have much required reading, and what little he has, he crams, if he does it at all. This girl in the video was talking about taking notes, and she was really taking her T seriously. She wanted to feel better!

How much does DBT therapy vary? BPDh is only supposed to be in it a year, but he's actually gotten worse again lately. What I read and here on here is that most DBT programs last a couple years? And that sometimes pwBPD goes back, if things get difficult again?

I was so happy that BPDh was at first seeming interested in this therapy, but he's since seemed to have lost interest, and he's back to going to T and blaming ME. He's now insisting I'm the one with the issue, and back to twisting every innocent thing I say. I'll take blame(or a better word is responsibility), when it's mine, but he's back to blaming all on me, even the physical abuse.

I'm focusing on my own issues in my therapy, such as why I stay, having better boundaries, and working on my anxiety. I'm just curious as to if this is just a "low" in his DBT therapy, like his psychiatrist warned us could happen, or if he's just not serious about the DBT, or getting better(which I personally think is the case)... .?

[Ceruleanblue]

I was watching a Youtube video, made by a young woman who was attending DBT classes. She went into great detail about the paperwork and how her DBT classes work. I attended one of BPDh's DBT therapy sessions(he asked me to).

What I've noticed, is that BPDh's T seems much less "intense", and less structured, I guess you'd say? He doesn't seem to have much required reading, and what little he has, he crams, if he does it at all. This girl in the video was talking about taking notes, and she was really taking her T seriously. She wanted to feel better!

How much does DBT therapy vary? BPDh is only supposed to be in it a year, but he's actually gotten worse again lately. What I read and here on here is that most DBT programs last a couple years? And that sometimes pwBPD goes back, if things get difficult again?

I was so happy that BPDh was at first seeming interested in this therapy, but he's since seemed to have lost interest, and he's back to going to T and blaming ME. He's now insisting I'm the one with the issue, and back to twisting every innocent thing I say. I'll take blame(or a better word is responsibility), when it's mine, but he's back to blaming all on me, even the physical abuse.

I'm focusing on my own issues in my therapy, such as why I stay, having better boundaries, and working on my anxiety. I'm just curious as to if this is just a "low" in his DBT therapy, like his psychiatrist warned us could happen, or if he's just not serious about the DBT, or getting better(which I personally think is the case)... .?

[UndauntedDad]

Hi Cerulean,

I think they do vary--our health are provider offers the prescription "heavy" DBT class my wife is in, it seems like, umm, 12 weeks, then 8 weeks, then another 8 weeks, with homework, 4-8 people enrolled, waitlisted.  My wife strongly "encouraged" me to take a DBT class, as she believes I have trouble now with my anger, so I signed up for the "light" version which is four weeks, rotating topics, about 20 people, no homework, feels like an AA meeting.

I got some use out of the DBT light class.  But even there I can tell, a lot of the people are worse off than many non's who post here, and worse off than my wife.  Anyway, my wife is seriously  trying to change, but even there I worry about how long it will last, whether it will "stick" and I'm pretty sure if she was in the "light" class it would not do much.

she did take a CBT class 4 years ago, for anger, and I snuck a look once at her notes-nothing there.  I shouldn't have looked, but it was consistent with her nonseriousness, and resulting lack of change.  It's better now. 

Better enough?

Not sure.

[sweetheart]

Hi CB,

I was wondering in response to all your recent threads two things,

What thoughts do you have on why your threads have been moved to this board? ( given that you are not undecided)

How have you changed your responses and behaviours toward your h in recent months, what feedback have you found the most helpful?

[unicorn2014]

Hi Cerulean, I don't know if I replied last night or not, so if I didn't, here it is. DBT only works if the patient applies themselves. For those wBPD it takes daily effort to practice the skills. If your pwBPD does not have this motivation and is not making the effort, its not going to happen. What do you think his motivation and interest level in DBT are?

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, I'm really not "undecided", but I do have a backup plan, so to speak. I'd be crazy not to, as much as he threatens, plus, he's left once before. He's still angry that I filed last time he left, but I don't regret it, because he was no contact, he was out sleeping around, and he gave me no hope we'd work things out. I want things to work, but I have no immediate plans to leave, and as always, I'm working on ME.

The advice that has helped the most has been those who empathize(you know, because that is nil at home for most of us), and the ones who've said to expect little of him(change-wise, as only he can do that), and to focus on me. I felt I was already doing so, but it motivated me to do it even more so. I like me, and if he doesn't, it's his loss, and I try not to take it personally. He'd likely be this way with anyone, at least during the idealization phase.

As for DBT, he waxed and wanes, but I truly do not see him ever reading the materials, or using any of the skills he should have learned by now. He has time to spend myriad number of hours on his computer doing graphics, but he can't seem to devote any time to getting emotionally healthier. I don't expect him to be like me, but it just seems he'd research DBT a little, or show some interest. He throws himself whole hog into other things, he's very all or nothing, but it seems DBT is in the "nothing" category, unless you count going to the DBT therapy weekly, and using it as a gripe session.   He LOVES therapy, even though it does him no good. I don't get it. He forms weird bonds with his therapists, another thing I don't really understand.

[unicorn2014]

Cerulean, have you thought about doing DBT yourself?

[Ceruleanblue]

I have not thought of doing it myself, but I sure would if I had BPD, or even had an anger problem. I've done a lot of research on it, and am reading the book "The High Conflict Couple", which teaches DBT skills. I actually do practice a lot of the DBT skills, and from what I've seen of his DBT, I think I already know more than is being offered. He seems to just do a lot of talk therapy, and the one session I attended with him, was way less than inspiring. I think he does way too much talking, and not enough learning. I've also watched youtube videos from people who are in DBT, and his program really does not resemble theirs at all.

He was recommended for individual not group therapy, because they didn't think he had extreme anger, well what is physical abuse, and his rages then? I think perhaps, he'd benefit from group, because he's certainly not getting much out of what he's doing. Of course, group won't help if he's just not interested either, which I think is the real issue.

If I had an alcoholic spouse, I'd definitely do al anon for the family support, and ideas. I sure wish there was something similar for family and spouses of people with personality disorders.

[unicorn2014]

I suggest you might think about doing DBT yourself. I think anybody that is married to a pwBPD could benefit from dbt. i've definitely benefited from it and i'm engaged to a pwBPD.