Negotiating time alone

[globalnomad]

Hello all. I am running into a recurring issue and was wondering if anybody had any advice or similar experiences to share.

My BPD partner HATES it when I go out in the evening to spend time with friends. The background is that I work a busy job during the day -- and she is not working at the moment. She is therefore able to catch up with her friends in the daytime. I am not able to do this because of my schedule. Yet she expects me to spend all my evening time with her.

Once in a while I am invited to dinner/drinks in the evening with close friends. I have asked her to join in the past, but she doesn't like going out in the evenings. She is also less sociable than I am and generally has less need than I do to interact with friends. I feel it is entirely reasonable for me to go out in the evening occasionally (I'm only talking once every week or two), and have encouraged her to do the same. I think a little time out from time to time is healthy for any relationship.

However, every time this comes up we end up in a huge fight about it. If I do go out she imposes unrealistic conditions (be home by 6:30, for example, which would only leave me with 30 minutes after work for catching up for the said friend). When I get home, I usually face either anger, or sometimes hours of silent treatment. The goalposts are always changing too (you came home too late, you shouldn't be drinking on weeknights, it's not "normal" that you don't want to spend time with me, etc etc). Bottom line: it triggers some kind of feeling of rejection in her that triggers an episode.

I want to be sensitive to this, however I am worried that I am becoming increasingly isolated from my friends. And I do not think it's healthy for either of us if I do what she wants and just stay home to avoid conflict. Just today a close friend that I have barely seen for a couple of months asked if I want to get a drink after work on Friday, and I feel a sense of dread already because I know I am going to have to fight a big battle over this again.

Any advice on "having a talk" about this? Has anybody dealt with similar situations?

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[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Sorry, I don't have much advise (that has worked for me anyway)... .but I know what you're going through... .

I don't think you listed anything that I haven't also gone through.  My w is a little more hard core, I think she'd go every time if I invited her... .so instead I get the "what are you hiding" treatment (after all... .who wouldn't want to spend 100% of the time they could with their spouse).  It's difficult to be  on the receiving end of "if you think that then I'm going to think this"... .but you have to recognize it for the manipulation strategy it is.

[globalnomad]

Sorry, I don't have much advise (that has worked for me anyway)... .but I know what you're going through... .

I don't think you listed anything that I haven't also gone through.  My w is a little more hard core, I think she'd go every time if I invited her... .so instead I get the "what are you hiding" treatment (after all... .who wouldn't want to spend 100% of the time they could with their spouse).  It's difficult to be  on the receiving end of "if you think that then I'm going to think this"... .but you have to recognize it for the manipulation strategy it is.

Thankyou, it is at least somewhat comforting to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this issue!

[Wrongturn1]

Nomad:  Going out with friends once every week or 2 is completely reasonable behavior.  I'd advise that you don't try to negotiate about it; just do it.  Spending time with your friends is a healthy activity... .would it seem reasonable for you to have to negotiate being allowed to exercise, or being allowed to eat nutritious foods?  No!  Taking part in healthy activities is not something that you need permission do to. 

If your partner chooses to get dysregulated about it, that's her problem, and you have a right to implement boundaries and walk away from accusations and verbal abuse from your partner about these events.

I can't stress enough how it is important that you not let your BPD partner isolate you from friends and family.  BPDs tend to want to want to isolate and control their partners, which is way unhealthy for both parties.  You need a support group and healthy dose of reality-based people in your life, so I strongly encourage you not to cede an inch of this ground.   

[globalnomad]

Nomad:  Going out with friends once every week or 2 is completely reasonable behavior.  I'd advise that you don't try to negotiate about it; just do it.  Spending time with your friends is a healthy activity... .would it seem reasonable for you to have to negotiate being allowed to exercise, or being allowed to eat nutritious foods?  No!  Taking part in healthy activities is not something that you need permission do to. 

If your partner chooses to get dysregulated about it, that's her problem, and you have a right to implement boundaries and walk away from accusations and verbal abuse from your partner about these events.

I can't stress enough how it is important that you not let your BPD partner isolate you from friends and family.  BPDs tend to want to want to isolate and control their partners, which is way unhealthy for both parties.  You need a support group and healthy dose of reality-based people in your life, so I strongly encourage you not to cede an inch of this ground.   

Many thanks - this is exactly what I needed to hear. I think one of the difficult things about having a BPD partner is that slowly but surely, over time, you start to doubt yourself. You start to question your right to do things that are in fact perfectly reasonable. But you are right. There is no need to negotiate. I need to simply do this, and enforce stronger boundaries if (likely when) the dysregulation occurs.

[maxsterling]

I deal with the exact same issues.  My W's worries stem from abandonment, extreme neediness, no capability of being alone, and worries that I will say bad things about her to my friends.  I'd love it if she would hang out with my friends with me, but the times we have she gets so anxious and negative, I'd more often than not rather her not be there. 

The long and short - I *have* become more isolated from friends and family.  I'm trying to reverse that.  I feel removing my isolation as a life or death situation.

In my case, it's not just spending time with friends.  If a have to go out in the evening or the weekend for any reason, whether it be for work or just to the store, she can't stand it.  Even if I go into the other room to use the computer, she can't stand it. 

[globalnomad]

I deal with the exact same issues.  My W's worries stem from abandonment, extreme neediness, no capability of being alone, and worries that I will say bad things about her to my friends.  I'd love it if she would hang out with my friends with me, but the times we have she gets so anxious and negative, I'd more often than not rather her not be there. 

The long and short - I *have* become more isolated from friends and family.  I'm trying to reverse that.  I feel removing my isolation as a life or death situation.

In my case, it's not just spending time with friends.  If a have to go out in the evening or the weekend for any reason, whether it be for work or just to the store, she can't stand it.  Even if I go into the other room to use the computer, she can't stand it. 

Yeah, in my case too it does not only happen when I want to spend time with friends. If I want to take two hours out on the weekend to watch a football game, similar result. Suddenly there will be 101 urgent other things that need to be done around the apartment, and because life is a zero sum game, the fact that I want to relax and watch a football game means none of those other things will EVER get done.

It is exhausting.

[formflier]

 

This is not an issue you "negotiate".

How you say it matters... .but you need to live your life... .do not make apologies to "keep" a disordered person happy.

They won't stay happy long if you give in... .they will move on to another issue... .or take more time.

FF

[Jungle_jake]

Wow I can relate to this.  My best friend of 15+ years doesn't have a car (he shares with his wife) and some days they are on opposite schedules so I help him out with rides home from work.  He usually wants me to hang out for a little bit after, but it upsets the BPDgf.  Non stop texts and calls asking when I'm coming back.  I don't make enough time for her, he's more important than her, she really needs me today, blah blah blah.  Keep in mind this is only for an hour or two a few days a week.  Like you I work long days and she doesn't work.  I used to feel guilty.  But everyone here is right about making time for yourself.  If I wanna hang out for a bit, I just do it.  I ignore the texts/calls.  I don't let the guilt get to me.  It works.  She gets over it.  I'm not saying this approach will work for you but you gotta do you once in awhile.