I'm free

[JLK1011]

Good morning

I've been single now for about 3 months, and I know it is the right decision. I have no regrets about leaving. I'm happier and so are my children. We were never married and he never went through the process of establishing paternity. He has no rights to them, but keeps trying to enforce laws about visitation that he thinks he is entitled to. Now, when we were together I had to practically beg him to hang out with us as a family. When we left, he hardly requested to see my children. Now, (I believe) he is dating someone new and wants to appear as a loving father, and he has someone who will watch over my children while he does his thing.

I have limited contact with him. I have recently blocked his e-mail, but kept text and phone open. When I drop the children off to him he is somewhat pleasant and no words are exchanged. He has to call throughout his visits to ask questions about how to take care of them.

At pick up, he gets nasty, making claims and just being rude without provocation. Before the last visit, I asked to meet in a public and neutral place. At drop off we met at Target. For the pick up, he claimed he was into something he couldn't get out of, and asked if I could meet him down the street from his house. There, he was rude.

I am not comfortable having someone drop off and pick up my children.

His comments hurt because they are not true, but I keep my mouth shut to limit interaction.  When will his rudeness stop?  It makes me want to stop all visitation until the court orders me to resume it.

[LimboFL]

JLK, I haven't posted in a while but when I read your story, I felt the need to post something quickly.

You don't deserve the pain that he is inflicting on you so I am wondering why you would put yourself through all of this, but more importantly put your children through it, if this man is neither the Father nor has he any rights to the children.

I have a 14 year old son (not with my exBPDgf). I  still love my ex deeply and miss her (no communication short of a couple of spurts, in the last 8 months... .she broke a boundary that I could not accept) and have tremendous empathy for her and all pwBPD, so I can completely understand how kind you are being and your motivations.

However, I see no upside either for you or for your children nor do I see that he has any legal leg to stand on. He doesn't sound like a good parental figure so your children likely gain very little from being with him and the pain that your experiencing is clearly taxing you enough to write a thread on BPD Family. The courts will award your ex nothing in the way of visitation rights. Your statement that you would rather take them away from him until the courts force you to comply is confusing. The courts will never award an ex boyfriend with no legal ties to your children visitation rights, no matter how hard he might try to fight it, which it doesn't sound like he will. Unless I am missing something. Please don't take my word for it, consult with a lawyer to give you peace of mind.

The only possible concern might be that your children might be impacted from having him extracted from their lives but if he was never a good parent then would the impact be that great? Have you sat down with them and asked them how they would react to no longer seeing your ex?

You sound like an amazingly sweet person who, despite enduring the pain, is still willing to exhibit your humanity but at what cost to you and your children?

He doesn't sound like he deserves any of what you are offering out of the kindness of your heart, keeping in mind my complete understanding of BPD.

I hope that you see my comments as motivational rather than accusatory. My ex and I would likely be in communication but I won't have it. While she wanted to be a good parental figure to my son and I know she cared, she wasn't and my son was happy that she was no longer in our lives. Maybe your kids feel the same as my son did/does.

Either way, I wish you strength and hugs.

[Turkish]

How are your children dealing with this, and how attached are they to their dad?